Mohawk
I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today.
He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red.
He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f* are you looking at?"
I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
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Three Phases
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of
are there?
The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.
Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?
The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, its like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, its like a Christmas tree.
A Christmas tree? the daughter asks.
Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
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Victoria's Secret
An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife.
"See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean."
When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?"
"Surprise," says the old man and hands her a sexy tiny teddy.
The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on.
She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small.
She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening.
Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely nude and pretends to model it in front of him.
Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."
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Books
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."
The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book."
The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book.
This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening.
He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond.
In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."
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Talking Frog
A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.
The old man puts the frog in his pocket.
The frog screams, Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.
The old man looks at the frog and says, At my age Id rather have a talking frog.
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An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
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Panties
A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall.
When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties."
"Okay, mommy," the little girl replied.
The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirty, so she asked, "You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your panties, have you?"
"Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."
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College
A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college.
After about three years, he comes back home.
They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
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The 3 Bears
Its a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mother Bear who set the table.
It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the porridge yet!"
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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BATHTUB ANXIETIES
A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together.
The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
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And a cutie:
