Mens Rules For Ladies
We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; :facepalm:
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TEXAS Declares War on the USA
The president was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, Mr. President a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack in Luckenbach , TEXAS and I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declarin' war on ya!"
"Well Archie," the president replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole high school 6-man football team. That makes nine!"
The president paused, "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. President, the war is still on! We have managed to git some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" the president asked.
"We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."
The president sighed , "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"That's a bunch", said Archie, "I'll be gittin' back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the president. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, said Archie, "we all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."
TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
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50 years together
Goldberg and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. The three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the old folks house. Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like wine.
"Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed son # 1..."I'm sorry I'm running late...had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is and I didn't have time to stop to get you guys a present!"
"Not to worry!" said the old man..."The important thing is, we're together!"
Son #2 came rushing in. "POPS! you're lookin' good! And MOM! you're still beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a big deal! Came straight from the airport, and didn't have time to buy you a gift...I'm so sorry!"
"It's nothing," said Goldberg...we're together, that's the main thing!"
Daughter: "Mom, Dad, the firm is shipping me to Europe for a conference....I gotta run as soon as din-din's over...didn't have time for a shopping trip!"
Goldberg sighed, "I don't care, we just like being together!"
Halfway through the meal, Goldberg, in a reflective mood, said.."Listen,you three...something's been on my mind, and I want to tell you about it.....your Momma and I...well, we came to this country during the war, penniless, desperate... and in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we never got around to getting married.... we just knew we loved each other, and after a few years, it didn't seem important, so...."
The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, "DAD! You mean...you mean to say...we're...BASTARDS?"
"YEAH, and CHEAP ones at that!" retorted the old man.
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If women only trusted their husbands!
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... For example... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine."Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
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Proposal
The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.
One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.
It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.
He had proposed to his date Greta.
But what she answered he just couldnt seem to remember.
Morton picked up the phone and dialed.
Hi Greta, said Morton, I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?
Oh my gosh gushed Greta, Im so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldnt recall who it was!
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LOL
John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom. It read: Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom.
How could he have failed?!
And all his Mom has to say is that shes Laughing Out Loud?!
Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: What was up with the LOL? his text said.
I just wanted to send you Lots Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.
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Construction workers language
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked Any of you men know Jesus Christ?
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, Why?
The worker yelled back, Cause his mums here with his lunch.
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Giuseppes secret to a happy marriage
At St. Peters Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.
At the session last week the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay
married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, Wella, Iva tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her but, besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!
The priest responded, Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Giuseppe proudly replied, I gonna go picka her up from Italy.
The Enda.
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Link;
http://33.media.tumblr.com/f56565250ed33849c89d802a7dbc660b/tumblr_n5tvg3yupv1s2yegdo1_400.gif