UK - Inside the mind of the paedophile - and the wife standing by him

[southcitymom]

Sounds like he is; it bothered him enough to try to kill himself to prevent it.
BTW, Blaize, geat find.

Crypto6

Three times - and came close to succeeding twice.

 

[blaize]

Yes - the wife has made a decision to stand by him through this and part of that decision has to involve some rationalization IMHO. I don't fault her for it - she obviously loves this man and feels like he is a good man in other ways. I am a cheerleader for those who choose to extend themselves in love to people that much of society believes to be monsters.

The same rationalization this couple shares appears in my own marriage. My husband and I are both recovering drug addicts - the odds are very high that neither of us will stay clean and yet both of us hope, pray, believe that we can! My husband believes this in the face of one massive relapse I had after a number of years clean.

Sexual addiction (and this man is both a pedophile and a addict, IMO) and drug addiction have similar components - mainly the obsessive/compulsive nature of getting your fix. When the man in this story described calling his wife and lying about a problem at work so that he could go back and look at online in secret, he describes behavior I have engaged in many times so that I could go do drugs in secret.

I much appreciated the husband and wife's public honesty. I was fascinated by the incident in which he found pictures of himself online and had a moment of clarity that what he was doing was not at all harmless. I was also interested to read how he developed his attraction to children.

I think most pedophiles offend and reoffend because pedophelia is a sexual orientation and it is so difficult to NOT act out on your own sexuality. I feel compassion for them - I can't imagine a life where acting out on my sexual desires would always harm someone else and be a crime.

The man in this story seems to have a grip on how the odds are stacked against him and other pedophiles - he recommends almost lifelong monitoring of some sort or another.

Articles like this are so important - the more we know about pedophiles, the better able we will be to protect out children.

Your hard won compassion is much appreciated. I understand that there is a school of thought that says that paedophilia is a sexual orientation but I have my doubts about that.

All through history children have been viewed as commodities, to be traded and used because as children they had no real rights and no power.

Here's another thought provoking article posted in [FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA] The Journal of Psychohistory in 1998 by [/FONT][FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]Lloyd deMause. I can't vouch for the veracity of his claims but it makes for uncomfortable reading. The article is called "[/FONT][FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]The History of Child Abuse[/FONT][FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]". This is a very peculiar and sometimes bizarre article so take what he says with a pinch of salt.

Thanks again to everyone for reading and participating in this discussion.
[/FONT]

 

[MissieMt]

You guys are probably right, I'm jjust going off of personal experience. I've had a paedophile look me in the eye, say he's sorry for what he had done. And yet, he was still denying some things he had done.
I probably shouldn't be so judgemental towards this guy, since my experience was so different.

 

[crypto6]

Three times - and came close to succeeding twice.

Exactly. If you've ever "connected" with someone in that much despair and partially experienced how they feel, you know that's a horrible place to be.

Crypto6

 

[blaize]

You guys are probably right, I'm jjust going off of personal experience. I've had a paedophile look me in the eye, say he's sorry for what he had done. And yet, he was still denying some things he had done.
I probably shouldn't be so judgemental towards this guy, since my experience was so different.

Each individual case is going to be different. The paedophile who claimed he was sorry to you but still denied that certain things were done is trying to minimize his responsibility for his actions. Trying to downplay the impact on the victim and pretend he was motivated by something other than a predatory instinct that he couldn't or wouldn't control.

 

[blaize]

i read things like this and i want to scream at these women. at least most the time, at least in this situation he seems to be actively seeking and getting help. i was a few years ago witness to a similar situation where my ex and his then new wife would both contact me. she would complain about him having online relationships with 15/16 year old girls. she would ask me what to do and i suggested turning his butt into LE. instead she believed whatever his excuse was and believed that God would heal him. a little while later he was then being investigated with something dealing with her daughter. i don't know what, don't want to...i had to block and delete all contact. i couldn't understand the stupidity of sticking by someone, asking for advice then doing nothing about it and letting the actions continue.

as i said i give this couple at least credit of actively getting help.

That reflects part of the problem doesn't it, that the mother abdicated her responsibility as a parent to keep her dysfunctional relationship with this person going.

 

[southcitymom]

Your hard won compassion is much appreciated. I understand that there is a school of thought that says that paedophilia is a sexual orientation but I have my doubts about that.

All through history children have been viewed as commodities, to be traded and used because as children they had no real rights and no power.

Here's another thought provoking article posted in [FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]The Journal of Psychohistory in 1998 by [/FONT][FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]Lloyd deMause. I can't vouch for the veracity of his claims but it makes for uncomfortable reading. The article is called "[/FONT][FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]The History of Child Abuse[/FONT][FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]". This is a very peculiar and sometimes bizarre article so take what he says with a pinch of salt.[/FONT]

[FONT=VERDANA, ARIAL, HELVETICA, GENEVA]Thanks again to everyone for reading and participating in this discussion. [/FONT]

Thanks for that link, blaize. That is an interesting article and there are truths in it, to be sure, IMO.

I am a huge believer that children have been abused - sexually, emotionally, phsically - by family and others in humanity's past and in its present. But articles like this make me hopeful, because I believe we are changing for the good - some cultures come more slowly to this than others and we are by no means out of the woods - but we are evolving upwards.

Things are better now. The beliefs and behaviors accepted years and years ago about abusing children are falling away slowly in our generation. We still have a long way to go, but we are going in the right direction and that heartens me tremendously.

As far as pedophelia being an orientation, it is termed in psychiatrist language as a "paraphilia" - a family of persistent, intense fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving sexual arousal to nonhuman objects, pain or humiliation experienced by oneself or one's partner, or children or other nonconsenting individuals. Paraphilias are not considered normal or healthy, but they are an orientation - in my mind.

I actually don't know if pedophelia is the main cause of sexual molestation of children.

LE describes two type of child sexual offenders - the first is a bonafide pedophile - someone who is predominantly or only attracted sexually to children and who acts on that.

The second type is called a situational offender - this type might actually mainly have relations with adult men or women, but they take advantage of children sexually because the opportunity presents itself and they have no boundaries. Often substance abuse, mental illness, education, cultural and other socioeconomic factors play into a situational offender's crime.

All this is to say that - in my mind - there are people who sexually abuse and harm children who are not true pedophiles. But they are equally as dangerous.

The article you reference seems to lend support to the idea of situational offenders who harm children sexually because they, as adults, have the power. Their reasoning - to get a young child to sleep at night like the Japanese women mentioned in the article or because they are drunk and horny and the child's mother is out of the house - is unique to their situation - but it is all boundary violation and abuse.

 

[southcitymom]

That reflects part of the problem doesn't it, that the mother abdicated her responsibility as a parent to keep her dysfunctional relationship with this person going.

I'm confused - I know you were responding to a specific post, but the couple in the article - it never said whether or not they had children, did it? I just re-read it and couldn't find anything about that.

 

[blaize]

I'm confused - I know you were responding to a specific post, but the couple in the article - it never said whether or not they had children, did it? I just re-read it and couldn't find anything about that.

Lol sorry SCM, I was referring to Athy's post where she spoke on her own experience.

[edited to add] I don't think they have children because in the article they make reference to his sexual dysfunction & to be blunt about it if they had children I don't think they've have done this interview because it would cause an uproar and demands for the children to be taken into care.

Originally Posted by athy
i read things like this and i want to scream at these women. at least most the time, at least in this situation he seems to be actively seeking and getting help. i was a few years ago witness to a similar situation where my ex and his then new wife would both contact me. she would complain about him having online relationships with 15/16 year old girls. she would ask me what to do and i suggested turning his butt into LE. instead she believed whatever his excuse was and believed that God would heal him. a little while later he was then being investigated with something dealing with her daughter. i don't know what, don't want to...i had to block and delete all contact. i couldn't understand the stupidity of sticking by someone, asking for advice then doing nothing about it and letting the actions continue.

as i said i give this couple at least credit of actively getting help.

 

[blaize]

Thanks for that link, blaize. That is an interesting article and there are truths in it, to be sure, IMO.

I am a huge believer that children have been abused - sexually, emotionally, phsically - by family and others in humanity's past and in its present. But articles like this make me hopeful, because I believe we are changing for the good - some cultures come more slowly to this than others and we are by no means out of the woods - but we are evolving upwards.

Things are better now. The beliefs and behaviors accepted years and years ago about abusing children are falling away slowly in our generation. We still have a long way to go, but we are going in the right direction and that heartens me tremendously.

As far as pedophelia being an orientation, it is termed in psychiatrist language as a "paraphilia" - a family of persistent, intense fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving sexual arousal to nonhuman objects, pain or humiliation experienced by oneself or one's partner, or children or other nonconsenting individuals. Paraphilias are not considered normal or healthy, but they are an orientation - in my mind.

I actually don't know if pedophelia is the main cause of sexual molestation of children.

LE describes two type of child sexual offenders - the first is a bonafide pedophile - someone who is predominantly or only attracted sexually to children and who acts on that.

The second type is called a situational offender - this type might actually mainly have relations with adult men or women, but they take advantage of children sexually because the opportunity presents itself and they have no boundaries. Often substance abuse, mental illness, education, cultural and other socioeconomic factors play into a situational offender's crime.

All this is to say that - in my mind - there are people who sexually abuse and harm children who are not true pedophiles. But they are equally as dangerous.

The article you reference seems to lend support to the idea of situational offenders who harm children sexually because they, as adults, have the power. Their reasoning - to get a young child to sleep at night like the Japanese women mentioned in the article or because they are drunk and horny and the child's mother is out of the house - is unique to their situation - but it is all boundary violation and abuse.

Hopefully as a society we're capable of evolving to a point where all abuse of children & in fact any vulnerable person or section of society is abhorrent to us.

I imagine the situational offender is more common, someone who commits 'opportunistic' assault or abuse, because they can or believe they have the right to.

As an aside recently on one of the British channels over here there was a documentary on the founder of the boyscout movement, Baden Powell. By all accounts he was a brave man who served his country and in forming the boyscout movement did a very good thing. It also emerged in that documentary that he and some of his friends liked looking at pictures of naked young boys and that behaviour wasn't seen as overly odd at the time, in fact it may have been considered a form of benign paedophilia. There is no way on this earth that Baden Powell would be let anywhere near a young boy now so at least we've evolved beyond that paternalistic acceptance of the 'nudge, nudge, wink, wink' form of paedophilia, (hopefully).

 

[SewingDeb]

Yes, thank God we have evolved beyond that kind of acceptance.

I thought this was interesting from the article:

Henkel says he believes that all sex offenders should be subject to extended sentences that would involve 15 to 20 years' community supervision after release from jail.

"Human rights groups might protest," he says. "But what about a child's right not to be abused? Which carries more weight? I know from my own experience that sentences must not only be longer but more appropriate to sexual offending.

"No monitoring period should be less than ten years, and if necessary it should be for life."

Henkel believes tough legislation should be passed to force the Internet Service Providers to clamp down on illegal activity online.

He says: "We've been hearing for years that it's too big a job, but it's not true. The ISPs simply have to monitor the smaller servers, and if they discover that much of their content is illegal - be it child or access to illegal drugs or dangerous chemicals - they should shut them down.

"It wouldn't catch everything, but that measure, combined with stiff penalties for those providing or promoting illegal material, would make a huge difference."

 

[Taximom]

Welcome everyone.

The thing is the wife was making a distinction between the actual physical rape of a child and the online depiction of the act. The mental gymnastics involved in that nice little delusion leads me to believe that if he had acted further on his desires she would have found some way of rationalizing that too.

I have to commend Henkel though on his clear eyed understanding of his own behaviour & his ongoing attempts to manage his condition & impulses. I think his identification with other victims of child sex abuse, (he & his brother were both sexually abused as children), may be the one thing that if worked on with his councillors will keep him from offending.

One would think his wife would be a constant reminder of that since she was also abused as a child according to the article.

I think that says a lot about why she remains with him as well.

 

[blaize]

One would think his wife would be a constant reminder of that since she was also abused as a child according to the article.

I think that says a lot about why she remains with him as well.

Quite so, but he probably doesn't or didn't see the child victim in her so her past suffering didn't impact him other than intellectually before he began therapy. She may also believe she can save the 'good' man in him.

 

[southcitymom]

Hopefully as a society we're capable of evolving to a point where all abuse of children & in fact any vulnerable person or section of society is abhorrent to us.

I imagine the situational offender is more common, someone who commits 'opportunistic' assault or abuse, because they can or believe they have the right to.

As an aside recently on one of the British channels over here there was a documentary on the founder of the boyscout movement, Baden Powell. By all accounts he was a brave man who served his country and in forming the boyscout movement did a very good thing. It also emerged in that documentary that he and some of his friends liked looking at pictures of naked young boys and that behaviour wasn't seen as overly odd at the time, in fact it may have been considered a form of benign paedophilia. There is no way on this earth that Baden Powell would be let anywhere near a young boy now so at least we've evolved beyond that paternalistic acceptance of the 'nudge, nudge, wink, wink' form of paedophilia, (hopefully).

This is my deepest desire, blaize.

Even in my own childhood - my youngest sister was abused by a pedophile who was her godfather(!) and there was a huge scandal at my school with a pedophile that didn't come out for years later and was, in fact, covered up at the time - there was more of that "well, let's just sweep this under the rug and move on" attitude about child abuse than I believe exists today.

Today - these issues are more present in our conscience. We must keep them in the light like this so that we can work towards a safer world for all children and, indeed, people.

 

[southcitymom]

Lol sorry SCM, I was referring to Athy's post where she spoke on her own experience.

[edited to add] I don't think they have children because in the article they make reference to his sexual dysfunction & to be blunt about it if they had children I don't think they've have done this interview because it would cause an uproar and demands for the children to be taken into care.

That was my assumption as well! I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss this - as it would be a pertinent piece of the story.

 

[blaize]

Yes, thank God we have evolved beyond that kind of acceptance.

I thought this was interesting from the article:

Henkel says he believes that all sex offenders should be subject to extended sentences that would involve 15 to 20 years' community supervision after release from jail.

"Human rights groups might protest," he says. "But what about a child's right not to be abused? Which carries more weight? I know from my own experience that sentences must not only be longer but more appropriate to sexual offending.

"No monitoring period should be less than ten years, and if necessary it should be for life."

Henkel believes tough legislation should be passed to force the Internet Service Providers to clamp down on illegal activity online.

He says: "We've been hearing for years that it's too big a job, but it's not true. The ISPs simply have to monitor the smaller servers, and if they discover that much of their content is illegal - be it child or access to illegal drugs or dangerous chemicals - they should shut them down.

"It wouldn't catch everything, but that measure, combined with stiff penalties for those providing or promoting illegal material, would make a huge difference."

Yes, a lot of ISP's don't want the trouble it would take to monitor their own servers because I imagine if they were to accept that there's a problem then they have to partly take responsibility for the process of dealing with it.

As an other aside did anyone here follow the livejournal purge revolt that was triggered by the group 'Warriors for Innocence'? What apparently happened was that the group "Warriors for Innocence" threatened LiveJournal that they'd contact their advertisers and say that LJ was promoting paedophilia, the sexual abuse of minors, and other illegal activities if LJ did not immediately take steps to delete accounts with such content. LiveJournal over-reacted and deleted several accounts, including those of abuse survivors, people writing fan fiction and so on. There was a general revolt by the LiveJournal membership and LJ had to climb down and reinstate several of the deleted accounts. They were lambasted by their members for their handling of the matter but at least it brought the matter into public light and discussion.
Here's a link discussing it [LJ Purges].

As to monitoring sex offender's Bill Henkel is probably right, monitoring, longer sentences for offenders and intensive therapy to try make the offender see the child as a person and not just as a sex object.

 

[blaize]

This is my deepest desire, blaize.

Even in my own childhood - my youngest sister was abused by a pedophile who was her godfather(!) and there was a huge scandal at my school with a pedophile that didn't come out for years later and was, in fact, covered up at the time - there was more of that "well, let's just sweep this under the rug and move on" attitude about child abuse than I believe exists today.

Today - these issues are more present in our conscience. We must keep them in the light like this so that we can work towards a safer world for all children and, indeed, people.

I'll share a story too. I live in County Wexford, Ireland & about twenty years ago there was a priest here named Father Sean Fortune who was a known paedophile who liked to prey on young boys. The nasty truth is that the church was aware of his 'activities' but considered them a moral problem more so than anything else. It took years for the full horror of what had gone on to finally emerge in the report of the Fern's Enquiry. Sean Fortune wasn't the only active paedophile priest named in the enquiry, in fact one that has always piqued my interest is a guy called Michael Ledwith. He was a priest in Wexford, Ireland from 1967 to 2005. He resigned and agreed a financial settlement - without liability -with a man who alleged Ledwith had abused him as a minor. Michael Ledwith is now a teacher at Ramtha's School of Enlightenment in a small rural Washington town. I certainly hope he's learned to keep his hands to himself but why the US government allowed him into the States is beyond me.

 

[White Rain]

Yes - the wife has made a decision to stand by him through this and part of that decision has to involve some rationalization IMHO. I don't fault her for it - she obviously loves this man and feels like he is a good man in other ways. I am a cheerleader for those who choose to extend themselves in love to people that much of society believes to be monsters.

The same rationalization this couple shares appears in my own marriage. My husband and I are both recovering drug addicts - the odds are very high that neither of us will stay clean and yet both of us hope, pray, believe that we can! My husband believes this in the face of one massive relapse I had after a number of years clean.

Sexual addiction (and this man is both a pedophile and a addict, IMO) and drug addiction have similar components - mainly the obsessive/compulsive nature of getting your fix. When the man in this story described calling his wife and lying about a problem at work so that he could go back and look at online in secret, he describes behavior I have engaged in many times so that I could go do drugs in secret.

I much appreciated the husband and wife's public honesty. I was fascinated by the incident in which he found pictures of himself online and had a moment of clarity that what he was doing was not at all harmless. I was also interested to read how he developed his attraction to children.

I think most pedophiles offend and reoffend because pedophelia is a sexual orientation and it is so difficult to NOT act out on your own sexuality. I feel compassion for them - I can't imagine a life where acting out on my sexual desires would always harm someone else and be a crime.

The man in this story seems to have a grip on how the odds are stacked against him and other pedophiles - he recommends almost lifelong monitoring of some sort or another.

Articles like this are so important - the more we know about pedophiles, the better able we will be to protect out children.

southcitymom you were an addict? I was too...my drug was meth...will be clean 2 yrs in August.

 

[White Rain]

I was molested at the age of 4 by a maternal cousin...I never told a soul...fast forward approx. 10 yrs it happened to two more kids...so not only do I have to bear the guilt of what happened to me, but also two more small kids as well. :sick:

 

[southcitymom]

southcitymom you were an addict? I was too...my drug was meth...will be clean 2 yrs in August.

Still am! I'm just not using today. Congrats on two years clean - that is amazing and I am very happy for you. :blowkiss: Keep staying the path - it is worth it.

My path has not been perfect. I've been in recovery for 12+ years. I got 1 year clean and then relapsed briefly; got 7+ clean years and then relapsed hardcore; got 3+ years clean and then relapsed briefly. As I type this, I have almost 90 days clean.

My drug of choice was....MORE! But I'm particularly given to narcotic opiates. I know lots of folks who have gotten clean off meth. It's tough in the beginning, but - as you know - so worth it to be free!