Curious. How is it expressed in the military? Any stereotypical behaviors? You don'have to answer or be very specific if you answer. TIA!
Oh, my. I will warn you now...this is a hot button issue for me.
Well, first, let me say, this is NOT the same as "anticipatory grief" which is a real aspect of grief that has become almost a psychological phenomenon with spouses and some parents of service members deployed to combat zones. They deal with seeing so much death, they deal for so many long months of intermittent communication with their loved ones that they almost begin to feel like the death of the service member is all but a sure thing.
The "Grief W#0@3" for lack of a better term (same term is used in military circles) typically is the first person to post about a mishap (military speak for an accident) or a combat death on Facebook before the Casualty Team has even had a chance to make official notifications to the Next of Kin. This was a problem even before Facebook, even before the Internet (they used call trees back then) but the advent of social media has made this a nightmare for the military to manage.
Then come the posts about how they knew the person, how badly the feel, how the person was super awesome that one time they barely interacted (if at all). The degree to which they knew or associated the person ends up becoming exaggerated. First it is that their service member was stationed at the same base, or they lived in the same neighborhood, and then suddenly it becomes that the one time that deceased person smiled at them was the most meaningful moment of their lives.
It becomes almost competitive. People begin to try to out do one another. "Oh, you lived in the same neighborhood? Well, I was his next door neighbor."
It spirals pretty quickly. Who can post the more poignant memorial on FB? Who can shed the most tears? Sometimes it involves direct contact with the family of the deceased. The unit the service member is attached to is supposed to be the one that takes the lead on supporting the family, but often someone else will swoop in. They want to be the one coordinating the meals, speaking to visitors (and often saying that the parent unit is not doing enough).
The thing is, they often don't realize they are doing it. They don't set out to draw attention to themselves, but it does bring a sense of status when you know someone who has died. Strange as that may seem, some people derive a sense of self worth and self importance from being "in the know" - especially those who have never actually experienced it themselves first hand. There isn't any malice in it - it just happens. Like rumors, it spreads like wildfire and dies out quickly pretty much right after the funeral.
It becomes a real challenge for the military commands to rein in and control. There have been some horrific occurences of wives finding out that their husbands have died by way of someone else's Facebook post. I am sure it is just as hard for LE to stay on top of in these types of cases.
So....sorry for the lengthy response. You just asked about something I am passionate about!
P.S.
I should add...there is one school of thought that this "hanger on" mentality IS a legitimate part of the grieving process or coping with the impact to the community but others believe it has to do with status.
