RESETTING YOUR PASSWORD can be tedious
Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.
Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
No, you must get a new one.
I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Sorry, you must get a new one.
OK, roses
Sorry you must use more letters.
OK, pretty roses
No good, you must use at least one numerical space.
OK, 1 pretty rose
Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
OK, 1prettyrose
Sorry, you must use additional spaces.
OK, 1uckingprettyrose
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK, 1UCKINGprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1uckingprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK, 1UCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourazzifyoudon'tgivemeac cessrightuckingnow
Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.
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Can You Help Me (Call to Customer Support)
Help Desk; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with typing."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
...."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut."
"A power... A power cut? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're not ready to own a computer."
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Just One Thing
This guy dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter gets out his book on this guy's life and says, "You know, you've lived a pretty average life, You haven't done anything so bad that I would feel really right about sending you down below, but you haven't really done anything that good either. I'll tell you what--if you can tell me just one thing you did during your life that was really good, I'll let you in."
The guy says, "okay, well I was driving down the highway when I saw this gang of bikers assaulting this girl. So I slammed on my brakes, grabbed my tire iron, jumped out of my car and ran straight at the leader of the pack. He was huge, with a mohawk haircut, hairy all over, and he had a huge link chain running from his nose to his ear. So I grabbed his chain, pulled as hard as I could, and whapped him on the head.
Then I turned to his gang and screamed, 'who wants some of this!! Who wants some pain!!!'"
St. Peter is extremely impressed, and says, "wow, I had no idea. That is really something. When did this happen?"
And the guy says, "oh, about 2 minutes ago."
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7 Kinds of Sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
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The Irish Farmer
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue
determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an
investigator out to interview him.
> "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!",
> demanded the investigator.
>
> "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
> for three years. I pay him 200 Euro a week plus free room and board.
>
> "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 Euro per
> week plus free room and board."
>
> "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
> about 90% of all the work around here.. He makes about 10 Euro a week.
> He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey
> every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
>
> "That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said the agent.
>
> "That would be me," replied the farmer.
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Geography of the Sexes
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially
for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes
twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 10 and 80, a man is like Iran ruled by a couple of nuts.
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Rides in Heaven
Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"Whats the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
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Home Remedies
these really work!!
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
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