LisaB
Well-Known Member
Thanks for posting this. I was an overworked single mom to an 8 year old daughter, when I met a man who seemed to be a dream come true. He was big enough to seem intimidating, was protective of Lauren and myself, but a big teddy-bear most of the time. He was looking for a wife, told me he owned his home, 4 vehicles he paid cash for, and a cabin on 19 acres in West Virginia. He seemed to love not only me, but my daughter, and I was thrilled he took an interest in her, since she was a non-negotiable part of the package deal. I worked long hours, while he worked just a few hours a week collecting rent on properties he told me he owned with a partner, and occasionally doing minor repairs. I had enrolled my daughter in summer camps for the entire first summer, but more often than not, she preferred to stay with Donnie, running errands, swimming in a nearby creek, building birdhouses and just hanging out. When the next school year began, I was planning to enroll her in before-school and after-school programs at the school, which were run by the YMCA. Lauren's dad said he was not willing to pay his share, since Donnie was available to watch Lauren during those hours.
Donnie and I got married shortly before the start of that school year, and for the next two years, he made sure she got up, showered, had breakfast, and got to school on time. He also molested her numerous times. At the time she did not know that what they were doing was a "sex thing" and it was not hurting her physically, quite the opposite in fact. She never mentioned it to me. If she had, we would have been out the door, but on the surface he seemed like an exceptional stepfather although he was a horrible husband.
In the first few months after we married, I learned that he had purchased two of his vehicles with money borrowed from friends and family that had never been repaid, did not own his house, but did odd-jobs for the man he had claimed was his partner in exchange for the rent on the house we lived in (that man is currently incarcerated for 53 years for molesting boys). He had lied about a lot of things... telling me he had attended a prestigious prep school, when in fact he had been kicked out of two "disciplinary academies" before being admitted to a mental hospital where he stayed for a year and a half. He got his diploma while there, and was released when he turned 18. He did not have a cabin on 19 acres, he had a decrepit, dry-rotted pop-up camper (crank was broken so he tied it up to a tree so it was always open) filled with bees, ants, and squirrel-nests that he had illegally parked on land he did not own, or even know the owners of. He had several children I was not aware of (for whom he provided no financial support), a felony conviction for drugs, and developed an addiction to pain medications that spanned the duration of our marriage. He chain-smoked cigarettes, and drank more alcohol than I have ever seen anyone drink before or since (and I was raised by alcoholic parents!).
He stopped working and I was left to support the three of us. He soon declared bankruptcy to the tune of $60K for unsecured loans, and had the nerve to include the debt to his mom for one vehicle and to his employer/"partner" for the other. The remaining two were claimed by their owners. I paid for food, rent, utilities, vehicle insurance, gas, and maintenance, as well as his cigarettes, alcohol, medical insurance, copays, and prescriptions. I was so overwhelmed that maybe I missed some signs there was an inappropriate relationship going on between him and my child. Once his bankruptcy was discharged, his attorney told me we could file a joint tax return without repercussions, but a letter from the IRS informed me otherwise. Unbeknownst to me or his attorney, he had failed to file a return one year 15 years prior and was being hit for thousands of dollars in fines and interest. The IRS seized my $1700 refund to cover a portion of it.
When she was in 5th grade, my daughter learned from a sex education class that sex acts between an adult and a child are illegal. She did not understand that she had done nothing wrong and put an end to the sexual interactions because she was afraid she would be arrested. It was several years before I learned what had transpired, and even then, it slipped out accidentally. She had been in counseling since I discovered she was cutting herself, and had steadfastly denied ever having been molested. One day, it slipped out accidentally. I asked her why she had denied it for so long and she said "I didn't think they meant THAT".
She is 23 now, and her molester is up for parole this summer. She is not ready for the possibility of encountering him once he is released, nor am I. We both experience panic attacks when we see someone who resembles him or hear someone who sounds like him. He also introduced a lot of "housekeeping rules" and made-up words for things that we still use to this day, and it surprises me how much a part of our lives he is each time I catch myself using one of "his words" or doing things "his way". Lauren is a basket case. She is promiscuous in the extreme, posts nude photos to the internet regularly, belongs to a fetish community, and attends "swinger" parties. She can't seem to hold a job, keep a boyfriend, manage money, or even maintain a routine personal hygiene regime. I recently had to ask her to move out of my house after giving her numerous chances to stay by meeting simple requirements that she get back into counseling (she has now been out of counseling and off meds for 18 months and that is not a good thing), look for work, and have her criminal record for shoplifting expunged (before she gets into any other trouble that will prevent her being able to do so). It broke my heart, but I was out of options.
Sorry this has meandered WAY off topic, but my point was that I was not "neglectful" just overworked and grateful to have someone who seemed to love my daughter to take up some of the slack. I stayed with a man I knew was an @$$#01e for two years because I believed it was in Lauren's best interests that I do so. The abuse that occurred did not hurt her, she enjoyed the special attention, and was not traumatized by it until she was old enough to understand what had happened was wrong, but NOT her fault. The abuse ended when she was 10, but 13 years later, she still suffers the aftereffects, and I don't know whether there is a happy ending for her. I have been in counseling off and on over the years, and while it helps, nothing will make the panic attacks (diagnosed PTSD) go away for ME, so I can only imagine what it is like for her. She believes she is fine and that her lifestyle is a choice. Those who love her see things from a different perspective and though we reach out to offer her our support and advice, our words fall on deaf ears.
