I was physically and mentally abused growing up. For me, the pain of the emotional abuse has lasted longer than the physical pain. I feel like I'm a a shell of the person I was supposed to be. I sometimes wonder about the things I could have accomplished in my life if it wasn't for the years and years of being taught that I was stupid, annoying, of being made fun of, of getting yelled at and berated for accidents (like dropping a glass. Once my mom told me all I ever do is f*ck everything up and to never do the dishes again. She was always saying things like that to us). But there is a blockage in my brain that keeps me from getting over that stuff and cannot get over it. I find it hard to make friends because my mind won't let me talk. I have things to say but I ruminate and become so deathly worried that what I'm going to say is going to sound stupid that I don't say anything. I am painfully shy. Being this way has ruined my life and who I think I could have been. I have no self esteem left, no confidence.
I am married and I have a daughter who I love. It's good to have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally and makes me feel loved and appreciated and smart. He's amazing. But I cannot get it in my head that I am worth something and that I'm smart and worthy. So I am happy overall. Just sad about my lost potential.
Oh that is so sad, being silenced as a child leaves you with such a sense of powerlessness, and because it is embedded in our brains at an an early age it can be hard to shift. I also grieve lost potential, lack of acknowledgement, validity, and self worth the list is endless...
In that sense it was helpful for me to know what I was tackling, old repeated messages that I absolutely know are not true about me, and probably aren't true about you either. It's like a wittering nagging voice in my head that wants me to be that small defenceless child (parental tapes on a permanent loop) again. So I tell it to shut up and go bother someone else!
In psychoanalytical terms this is direct contact between the parent (superego) and the child (id) and has the effect of leaving us bouncing between the two extremes with the added result of the adult (ego strengths) being impaired. Which accounts for our inability to feel confident, able, and empowered, and assertive.
The tapes have to go, they are no longer news just repeated empty words that have no relevant meaning in my life as an adult. I work at it every day to give my inner child space and compassion, pats on the back for not succumbing to false nonsense, and give permission to myself to just be who I am. In a sense, I am re-nurturing that little child, who did nothing to deserve such treatment, and I find all sorts of ways for the child to tell
her side of the story, via art, poetry, dance or anything creative. I play her lovely music and try to show her everyday the wonders of the world. I try to be as loving a mother as I can to that little wounded inner being. I validate her, comfort her, and give her what I never had.
I also need to check my reality daily to remind me that while my efforts are not appreciated by those who should love me unconditionally, there are others that absolutely do, and I think your husband and daughter would agree with that about you!
Phew, that was a big long one, now watch it disappear into the interwebs!
This all just my own opinion, based on my own life experience
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