I'm sorry to read that L. Nurmi has cancer. Having lost my father to brain cancer and having nearly lost my husband to leukemia, I'm all too familiar with the battle he is facing, and I wish for him a full recovery.
That said, I also hope for his sake that he finds the strength within to let go of his anger--so palatable in what I've read, and his targets seem to be many.
He says he refuses to allow cancer to take over his life and how he lives it. Why then allow a twisted sadistic murderer to do so?
He says he hopes that in the writing of his book it will become clearer to him what the "gift" was in an otherwise unbearable experience. I wish that he could open his mind and heart enough to see the gift that has been there all along. It is only because Nurmi has judged Travis so harshly that he can't see that young man's life and words as the gift he's seeking. Look, Nurmi, open your eyes.
We "The Trial Watchers" understand fully that Travis was flawed, that he struggled to live up to all that was expected of him, that he failed sometimes, that he wasn't always honest with himself or with others, that he didn't always make the best decisions, that he was insecure in some basic ways but that his show of ego often masked his insecurity.
Sound familiar?
The gift, Nurmi, is understanding that to be flawed in all those ways is simply to be human. The gift is to be able to forgive oneself for being imperfect, AND, as Travis insisted upon doing, always working towards being a better person. The gift is in seeing huge obstacles- the very things one feels "trapped" by, as "stepping stones." Remember?
The gift, if you choose to see it, genuinely is in the legacy Travis left that has inspired so many others. Travis was a flawed wonderful human being, who with every excuse and reason available to him to sink into self-hatred, despair, and aimlessness, chose instead to be generous, compassionate, successful, and spiritual. His choice. He made that choice daily, even on the too many days in the last few months of his life when he faced losing everything he had worked so hard to attain.
I have a feeling, L. Nurmi, that part of your condemnation of Travis comes from a belief that he was weak. Too weak to live the life he wanted, too weak to decisively banish his killer from his life. I think that it is on this point you understand him not at all.
Of course Travis liked having sex with the killer, but that's not why he allowed her to remain in his life. As his friends have all said- Travis felt sorry for her. He helped her financially and emotionally because he was generous and compassionate, because, as he told his disapproving friends, he believed she didn't have anyone else. Perhaps he even identified with her in that? Perhaps he remembered all too clearly his high school days, friendless, feeling nerdy and outcast and needy?
Even after she had invaded his privacy a thousand times over, even after she had interfered with his relationships and friendships, this is a man who told friends that what bothered him most of all was knowing that she was causing herself pain by doing so. Can you imagine, he told Taylor, how much it must have hurt her to hear me say I love you to Lisa?
That is not weakness. Naiviety, perhaps, but more so compassion, empathy, love.
Travis lived his belief that there is divinity within all of us. He was as intent upon nurturing it in others as he was in developing that quality within himself. Even on May 26, even at the most angry he likely had ever been as an adult, for most of the conversation with his killer he was trying to get her to admit to her lies for herself. As he said- " don't you see that YOU are the cause of what is wrong in your life"?
One of the very last things Travis ever wrote, just over a week before he was killed, was this in his journal:
"It's better to trust too much than too little."
Those aren't the words of a weak man, L. Nurmi, nor of a coward. They are the words of an exceptionally courageous young man determined, despite the risks, to live fully and to keep his heart open.
L. Nurmi- forgive yourself and move on. And for your own sake- postpone writing book 2 until you've given yourself a chance to find some peace.
That said, I also hope for his sake that he finds the strength within to let go of his anger--so palatable in what I've read, and his targets seem to be many.
He says he refuses to allow cancer to take over his life and how he lives it. Why then allow a twisted sadistic murderer to do so?
He says he hopes that in the writing of his book it will become clearer to him what the "gift" was in an otherwise unbearable experience. I wish that he could open his mind and heart enough to see the gift that has been there all along. It is only because Nurmi has judged Travis so harshly that he can't see that young man's life and words as the gift he's seeking. Look, Nurmi, open your eyes.
We "The Trial Watchers" understand fully that Travis was flawed, that he struggled to live up to all that was expected of him, that he failed sometimes, that he wasn't always honest with himself or with others, that he didn't always make the best decisions, that he was insecure in some basic ways but that his show of ego often masked his insecurity.
Sound familiar?
The gift, Nurmi, is understanding that to be flawed in all those ways is simply to be human. The gift is to be able to forgive oneself for being imperfect, AND, as Travis insisted upon doing, always working towards being a better person. The gift is in seeing huge obstacles- the very things one feels "trapped" by, as "stepping stones." Remember?
The gift, if you choose to see it, genuinely is in the legacy Travis left that has inspired so many others. Travis was a flawed wonderful human being, who with every excuse and reason available to him to sink into self-hatred, despair, and aimlessness, chose instead to be generous, compassionate, successful, and spiritual. His choice. He made that choice daily, even on the too many days in the last few months of his life when he faced losing everything he had worked so hard to attain.
I have a feeling, L. Nurmi, that part of your condemnation of Travis comes from a belief that he was weak. Too weak to live the life he wanted, too weak to decisively banish his killer from his life. I think that it is on this point you understand him not at all.
Of course Travis liked having sex with the killer, but that's not why he allowed her to remain in his life. As his friends have all said- Travis felt sorry for her. He helped her financially and emotionally because he was generous and compassionate, because, as he told his disapproving friends, he believed she didn't have anyone else. Perhaps he even identified with her in that? Perhaps he remembered all too clearly his high school days, friendless, feeling nerdy and outcast and needy?
Even after she had invaded his privacy a thousand times over, even after she had interfered with his relationships and friendships, this is a man who told friends that what bothered him most of all was knowing that she was causing herself pain by doing so. Can you imagine, he told Taylor, how much it must have hurt her to hear me say I love you to Lisa?
That is not weakness. Naiviety, perhaps, but more so compassion, empathy, love.
Travis lived his belief that there is divinity within all of us. He was as intent upon nurturing it in others as he was in developing that quality within himself. Even on May 26, even at the most angry he likely had ever been as an adult, for most of the conversation with his killer he was trying to get her to admit to her lies for herself. As he said- " don't you see that YOU are the cause of what is wrong in your life"?
One of the very last things Travis ever wrote, just over a week before he was killed, was this in his journal:
"It's better to trust too much than too little."
Those aren't the words of a weak man, L. Nurmi, nor of a coward. They are the words of an exceptionally courageous young man determined, despite the risks, to live fully and to keep his heart open.
L. Nurmi- forgive yourself and move on. And for your own sake- postpone writing book 2 until you've given yourself a chance to find some peace.
