I am catching up on posts still (at #375) but am watching the presser (little bit late).
I have been HERE for years. I have never been so emotionally, mentally and physically upset over a case like I am over this. And there are some seriously horrifying cases here at WS, as everyone knows. Maybe, it is because I can relate to some of this, although not at the level I am learning from the presser. I grew up in a very abusive and highly religious home. Just reading and listening to this presser is bringing back all kinds of things I actively push down and tuck away. Talk about triggers. I am not even sure I should be paying attention to this case (I am sure the few people in my life who know about my childhood would advise me not to), as I am highly sensitive to things like this. I tend to have panic attacks over another child who may get spanked, for example.
Obviously, I have not dealt with the crap I went through on a professional level. I cant even talk about it because that means im having to relive it all and I am not at a place I can handle that. But I seem to be forcing myself to read and watch this case as a way of trying to process my own hell I grew up in. Maybe? I think the pain I feel with this case is not really about me but more about my heart dying for these kids knowing the pain they have been living and will probably live with forever.
The youngest little boy (the ring barer) in the Vegas video, kills me. He looks like one of my brothers, when we were kids. And I witnessed him being abused. Seeing that little boy, I see my brother. That pains me more than the abuse I went through. My mother was the main abuser with my father not ever stepping in to help or stop it. He has his own violent issues though. I hated my mother from very very young age and never felt love for her nor from her. She was never a mother to me. I have felt actual hate for her most of my life. I cut off any legit contact with my parents so many years ago, even though they try and make contact now and then. My teenage daughter really doesnt know them. She doesnt really care to either.
Today I found out she has advanced neck cancer and is suffering from alzheimer's that the young age of 65 and diagnosis is very bad. My mind is a total clusterF today on how I am suppose to feel. I am not sure why I am here reading all of this.
I read Iona's story and it touched me on a deep level. Bless you (if you see this). Not sure why I am sharing this. Needed to get it out to strangers I guess as I dont really share this kind of stuff with anyone. Just too deep and painful.
Sorry for making something about ME on this horrifying case. Thanks for listening. Back to just reading.
