Found Alive CA - Sherri Papini, 34, Redding, 2 November 2016 - #23

[JaneEyre]

Yeah.. I'm not being judgy (well, I am) but a couple of mine and my OH's friends had been together some time, had their own SM accounts and all that normal stuff, until they split up because he slept with someone else, she left their family home, lived with us for a month or just over, then they got back together. Now they share SM accounts it's ****and*****Smith for every damn thing.

I'm not saying this is the case for everyone who does this but in my experience of these people, it's definitely because there is a lack of trust there. Actually, it's not a lack of trust, it's no trust at all.

I do think it is sometimes that one simply doesn't want to bother with updates and checking notifications, so they combine with the other, more outgoing one. I have a couple of male friends who have their own accounts, but if I actually want them to see something, I post it to the wife's account so she will point it out. Otherwise, they might not see it for a year. Those people would be the kind it would make sense for. These are the same people that you add their spouses to the class reunion group instead of or in addition to them or they will never know about it.

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[JaneEyre]

Ive found two types who do this. It's a trend among some fundamentalist Christians. Actually preached about. You're supposed to be one person and separate accounts is seen as temptation.

Then there's people who like your friend, have cheated or one spouse is auper possessive and jealous.

Thanks for that insight. It actually explains one of my friend's accounts, I think.

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[LadyL]

yes and when FB/myspace etc. first came out, tons of people didn't use social media yet ... and many people really did only use it to share photos/updates with family/neighbours/close friends (no one had acquaintances/co-workers/strangers as 'friends') - hence 'family' acc'ts ... also many men didn't use social media so the wives would just make the acc't with both their names

It bothers a lot of people! But honestly, those I know who do it are not insecure. I have no idea why they do it, though. It seems to me like having matching husband and wife outfits!

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[kkdj]

With what we know about some of SP's past ie stealing from family members, breaking in (?) etc. do you think that frame of mind she was in when she did those things was more wild immaturity or something that revisited last November? I'm just curious if there could be something cyclic perhaps. Just a thought.

 

[JaneEyre]

To those being judgy about married couples choosing to have shared social media accounts:

According to a survey by the UK’s DivorceOnline, Facebook was implicated in a third of all divorce filings in a recent year. Moreover, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, over 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys have witnessed a rise in the number of divorces linked to social networking. A study published in July 2014 in the journal, Computers in Human Behavior, revealed that the use of social networking sites “is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness, and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and thinking about divorce.”

Author Jason Krafsky, who wrote Facebook and Your Marriage, states that when couples deal with social media sites: “It is not enough to have good intentions. Most affairs do not start because someone says to themselves ‘I think I’ll have an affair.'” He states that Facebook “puts temptation in the path of people who would never in a million years risk having an affair.”

Many research studies are referring to “internet infidelity” and “virtual adultery” as a national epidemic.

https://www.divorceify.com/divorcei...-social-media-related-to-higher-divorce-rates

Oh, very true. It connects people up in ways life otherwise wouldn't. I can't think of another situation that puts you in a position to hear from multiple school mates you never see that they had a crush on you when you were 16. Innocent enough if it stops there, but it rarely does. And if you are feeling unappreciated that week, well, the flirtation might feel good. I've had to delete men from school who have tried to chat me up whom I otherwise would not have been in contact with. People don't realize that cracking the window by accepting messages and flirtation like that opens the whole dang door.

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[LadyL]

I know SO many people of all different ages who don't use social media and for every one of them, their reason is that they're too busy with real life (I'm not judging ... I personally do use it a LOT)

We've heard from the beginning that KP and SP are a very private family, one that doesn't use social media.
There has to be a reason why. It isn't normal for a young couple to not have a presence on social media. Especially with SP having a side business selling stuff online. Why wouldn't she use FB and/or IG to help promote her business? Why wouldn’t they use social media to post photos of their growing family and to allow distant family and friends to keep up with them? Obviously it’s a choice whether or not to use social media and I’m not looking down on anyone who doesn’t. I’m just saying that if you are in your thirties and you don’t use social media, there is a REASON why you don’t.

 

[DatelineFan]

I don't think it was linkedin. That is strictly for employment.

Unfortunately, I had a ceo try to hire me for sex through LinkedIn à couple of weeks ago. And my profile indicates NOTHING of the sort. It happens.

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[PoirotryInMotion]

Omg, I completely agree. It bothers me a lot to see “joint” Facebook accounts more than I can explain.

Yeah.. I'm not being judgy (well, I am) but a couple of mine and my OH's friends had been together some time, had their own SM accounts and all that normal stuff, until they split up because he slept with someone else, she left their family home, lived with us for a month or just over, then they got back together. Now they share SM accounts it's ****and*****Smith for every damn thing.

I'm not saying this is the case for everyone who does this but in my experience of these people, it's definitely because there is a lack of trust there. Actually, it's not a lack of trust, it's no trust at all.

Ive found two types who do this. It's a trend among some fundamentalist Christians. Actually preached about. You're supposed to be one person and separate accounts is seen as temptation.

Then there's people who like your friend, have cheated or one spouse is auper possessive and jealous.

To those being judgy about married couples choosing to have shared social media accounts:

According to a survey by the UK’s DivorceOnline, Facebook was implicated in a third of all divorce filings in a recent year. Moreover, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, over 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys have witnessed a rise in the number of divorces linked to social networking. A study published in July 2014 in the journal, Computers in Human Behavior, revealed that the use of social networking sites “is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness, and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and thinking about divorce.”

Author Jason Krafsky, who wrote Facebook and Your Marriage, states that when couples deal with social media sites: “It is not enough to have good intentions. Most affairs do not start because someone says to themselves ‘I think I’ll have an affair.'” He states that Facebook “puts temptation in the path of people who would never in a million years risk having an affair.”

Many research studies are referring to “internet infidelity” and “virtual adultery” as a national epidemic.

https://www.divorceify.com/divorcei...-social-media-related-to-higher-divorce-rates

I remember reading about the Christian fundamentalist thing too, but it seems to me when I see posts from those accounts it's the wife who is doing everything. And other times, like you said - someone in the relationship is controlling and suspicious.

And who can say whether or not one of them has a secret Facebook account? (MANY people do.)

Hm, how awful. I just would never stay in a relationship where I felt compelled to have a joint account because of lack of trust. It's not worth it and there is always someone better out there.

People cheated long before social media. I grew up in the 80s-90s and I can't begin to tell you how many of my friends parents divorced due to infidelity, including my mom who's first husband cheated on her with her best friend. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I'm in my early 40s, so not her age, and while most of my classmates do have a Facebook page, very few are active on it. Many people do still value their privacy, or have anxiety over making posts they know might be judged. I don't find it abnormal, and I would love to leave it but can't because of an obligation to a charity I have to keep on top of. Someday, though, I will get to live my hermit's dream and get rid of it.

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It bothers a lot of people! But honestly, those I know who do it are not insecure. I have no idea why they do it, though. It seems to me like having matching husband and wife outfits!

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Re, the joint Facebook thing...

I do not have a joint Facebook with my spouse, and never have, although some might label us as 'fundamentalist' Christians. (Not big into labels myself, but yes... I do ascribe to the fundamantals of the faith.) Personally, I've never heard it stated in my conservative circles that, as a believer, one "should" have a joint account. Never, ever. So I think this might be a very narrow subgroup of an already somewhat smaller faith subset that is adamant about this (if this is what's supposedly going around). Now, having a joint account *may* have been espoused by someone, somewhere, in this subset--but, just saying...if this were a thing to do in devout circles, I've certainly never heard of it. I have well over a few hundred Facebook friends, ranging from outright, vocal atheists to extrememly conservative Christians. Roughly half my friends are as devout as I am, and of these, exactly ONE couple has a joint account. They are semi-retired and do marriage counseling, so maybe that explains it. But essentially, with them, the wife is the one who does most of the social media posting, they have many, many couples friends, and for them, this just is simpler. In their case at least, this has NOTHING to do with religion, insecurity, possessiveness, or control. They are individually amazing people, and as a couple they have a long-standing, healthy, mature, relationship of mutual respect and trust. It's just more efficient for them to have one account, since the husband is seldom on Fbk...it helps him keep up with their mutual friends, the grandbaby pics, etc.

On a somewhat related side note...I used to change out my individual profile pic every month or so just for fun on my account (an account which has always clearly stated I'm married). However, after an uncomfortable and somewhat surprising situation this past spring, I now keep a favorite photo of hubby and myself as THE perennial profile pic for my account (changing it out for a temporary one only very occasionally). And that decision came about solely due to attempting to influence or redirect other people's perceptions--(something I dislike having as a driving force for my decisions, but if it makes my life less complicated, so be it.)

There are many people I've made Fbk friends with over the last decade, both male and female, professionally and casually, whom I've actually never met in real life. I am completely comfortable exchanging public banter and comments with them on a regular basis, while at the same time enjoying in real life a marriage past the 35-yr mark. The joint photo I've decided to keep as my individual account's profile pic is to reassure possibly insecure family members of these internet friends that I am quite happily married, and not on the prowl for their parents or husbands. Not in the least. So...all that to say, sometimes sending a message of marital unity on Facebook is not so much for the couple's insecurity as, perhaps, for the insecurity of others. (And I would agree that the social media era *can* present new opportunities for crossing that line...though I also think that, if so, it's often due to an Achille's heel in the relationship to start with.)

 

[flute4peace]

LOL. Nope. [emoji38]

I love my friend dearly but when she says she trust him and they are back to normal, I know she is lying to me.

Well yea, because how does she know he doesn't have his own fb that's a different name or hidden from her? My DH has his fb under a made-up name because he's creeped out by "everyone" knowing who he is. Except that he has me listed as his wife and our kids etc, so everyone knows anyway lol.

Long way of saying that, as you said, it's very likely a false sense of security for your friend .

That said, I don't have feelings one way or the other about those who share an acct. Whatever floats their boat.

 

[rsd1200]

I do think it is sometimes that one simply doesn't want to bother with updates and checking notifications, so they combine with the other, more outgoing one. I have a couple of male friends who have their own accounts, but if I actually want them to see something, I post it to the wife's account so she will point it out. Otherwise, they might not see it for a year. Those people would be the kind it would make sense for. These are the same people that you add their spouses to the class reunion group instead of or in addition to them or they will never know about it.

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I have FB to keep up w/my kids and just a few friends, and relatives. Love to see the photos, and share photos, etc... I have my own personal acct. My better half, is not a techie, at all, nor do they care to be, at all. He still has a clam-shell style cell phone (it will take a grainy photo, and text, but that is all). If I find something funny, or the kids post pics, I show them to him. He has his own laptop but uses it so little that it has a ton of updates ready when he turns it on. I don't think he's ever used the email account I set up for him. Just gives everyone mine!

 

[rsd1200]

Oh, very true. It connects people up in ways life otherwise wouldn't. I can't think of another situation that puts you in a position to hear from multiple school mates you never see that they had a crush on you when you were 16. Innocent enough if it stops there, but it rarely does. And if you are feeling unappreciated that week, well, the flirtation might feel good. I've had to delete men from school who have tried to chat me up whom I otherwise would not have been in contact with. People don't realize that cracking the window by accepting messages and flirtation like that opens the whole dang door.

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I've seen this very same thing happen in the workplace though, especially friends whose spouses worked at large factories. A couple of people start eating in the break room, then sit at the same table, converse, they had an argument at home, commiserate, they go out for lunch that day, yada, yada, yada, and next thing you know, there's a divorce.

 

[gitana1]

[bbm]

why would they release a partial recording without informing the public that it's a partial recording/transcript?

They do it all the time.

Re, the joint Facebook thing...

I do not have a joint Facebook with my spouse, and never have, although some might label us as 'fundamentalist' Christians. (Not big into labels myself, but yes... I do ascribe to the fundamantals of the faith.) Personally, I've never heard it stated in my conservative circles that, as a believer, one "should" have a joint account. Never, ever. So I think this might be a very narrow subgroup of an already somewhat smaller faith subset that is adamant about this (if this is what's supposedly going around). Now, having a joint account *may* have been espoused by someone, somewhere, in this subset--but, just saying...if this were a thing to do in devout circles, I've certainly never heard of it. I have well over a few hundred Facebook friends, ranging from outright, vocal atheists to extrememly conservative Christians. Roughly half my friends are as devout as I am, and of these, exactly ONE couple has a joint account. They are semi-retired and do marriage counseling, so maybe that explains it. But essentially, with them, the wife is the one who does most of the social media posting, they have many, many couples friends, and for them, this just is simpler. In their case at least, this has NOTHING to do with religion, insecurity, possessiveness, or control. They are individually amazing people, and as a couple they have a long-standing, healthy, mature, relationship of mutual respect and trust. It's just more efficient for them to have one account, since the husband is seldom on Fbk...it helps him keep up with their mutual friends, the grandbaby pics, etc.

On a somewhat related side note...I used to change out my individual profile pic every month or so just for fun on my account (an account which has always clearly stated I'm married). However, after an uncomfortable and somewhat surprising situation this past spring, I now keep a favorite photo of hubby and myself as THE perennial profile pic for my account (changing it out for a temporary one only very occasionally). And that decision came about solely due to attempting to influence or redirect other people's perceptions--(something I dislike having as a driving force for my decisions, but if it makes my life less complicated, so be it.)

There are many people I've made Fbk friends with over the last decade, both male and female, professionally and casually, whom I've actually never met in real life. I am completely comfortable exchanging public banter and comments with them on a regular basis, while at the same time enjoying in real life a marriage past the 35-yr mark. The joint photo I've decided to keep as my individual account's profile pic is to reassure possibly insecure family members of these internet friends that I am quite happily married, and not on the prowl for their parents or husbands. Not in the least. So...all that to say, sometimes sending a message of marital unity on Facebook is not so much for the couple's insecurity as, perhaps, for the insecurity of others. (And I would agree that the social media era *can* present new opportunities for crossing that line...though I also think that, if so, it's often due to an Achille's heel in the relationship to start with.)

It's a known fundamentalist trend. I'm surprised you don't see more if it. I see it everywhere.

He and his wife Lori, like other Christian couples around the country, share one e-mail account as a safeguard against the ever-expanding temptations of the Internet.
"It's what we believe as Christians: We are our brothers' keepers. It's about biblical accountability."
It's impossible to know how widespread the practice has become. Still, the phenomenon has become common enough to merit a post on "Stuff Christians Like," a popular blog in which creator Jonathan Acuff, an evangelical and son of a pastor, good-naturedly mocks Christian culture and himself.
Acuff shares one account with his wife of eight years, Jenny, and estimates that one-third of their married friends also use one e-mail address.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/09/05/christian-couples-staying-faithful-on-facebook-twitter.html


At the most basic level, this is simply a question of remaining above reproach. It's a way of staying accountable to one another and to the rest of the world. The apostle Paul urges Christians to steer clear not only of evil itself but even of the mere appearance of evil (I Thessalonians 5:22). This is something believers need to take seriously, both in their marriages and in their interactions with others.
We should add that sharing passwords or, if appropriate, maintaining a shared account can also be a way of building a hedge around your marriage. It's a strategy for protecting your relationship against outside threats. Whether you've been married for thirty days or thirty years, you're never really immune to the threat of an extra-marital affair.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/fam...-passwords-best-practices-for-married-couples




[A]ccording to the Pew Research Center’s latest survey, several new symbols of romantic devotion have taken hold among couples: the shared password, the joint email address and the fused social media profile.
Along with having The Talk and meeting parents, creating joint accounts and passing passwords have apparently become relationship benchmarks. Moving inboxes together is the new moving in together.
Among partners who’ve been together fewer than ten years, 8 percent share a social networking account, while 14 percent of couples together over ten years have a shared profile.
A similar pattern holds true for email, Pew found. Ten percent of couples who’ve been together five years or fewer use the same email account, a figure that jumps to 24 percent for couples together six to 10 years, and climbs to 38 percent for couples who’ve been together over a decade.
“Psychologically, when couples share social media accounts, it more likely than not is a sign of codependency or insecurity,” Suzana Flores, the therapist, told Mashable. “It’s almost like the couple is ... too enmeshed.”
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/11/sharing-facebook-profile_n_4768508.html


There's a new trend in social media, and it's not a fresh platform or a new app. Apparently, more and more couples are sharing social media accounts.


A recent study from Social Psychological and Personality Science cited in Mashable shows that this is very much a thing—and furthermore, that couples who post more about their relationships on Facebook say they feel happier and more secure with their partners.
https://www.today.com/health/would-you-share-facebook-twitter-instagram-your-partner-I543575


And besides Focus on the Family, a couple other Christian sites advocating it:


Pro's:
It holds me accountable to what I post and reply to.
I think about my husband, all. of. the. time.
I get to see the things that interest him by the things that he "likes".
It shows that we are one and rids us of any temptations that might come our way from the internet.
I got rid of a lot of "facebook friends".
http://www.agodlymarriageinanungodlyworld.com/2013/10/the-truth-about-combined-facebook.html


Why My Husband and I Share a Facebook Account
https://intentionalbygrace.com/why-my-husband-and-i-share-a-facebook-account/

 

[Russian Blue]

I don't think it was linkedin. That is strictly for employment.

No Linkedin is not strictly for employment, yes that is its core use, but it has evolved to sharing of information and connecting. Not facebook but still a communication vehicle. Another victim Missy Bevers whose case is still unsolved was texting or communicating with several people on Linkedin.

 

[rsd1200]

They do it all the time.



It's a known fundamentalist trend. I'm surprised you don't see more if it. I see it everywhere.

He and his wife Lori, like other Christian couples around the country, share one e-mail account as a safeguard against the ever-expanding temptations of the Internet.
"It's what we believe as Christians: We are our brothers' keepers. It's about biblical accountability."
It's impossible to know how widespread the practice has become. Still, the phenomenon has become common enough to merit a post on "Stuff Christians Like," a popular blog in which creator Jonathan Acuff, an evangelical and son of a pastor, good-naturedly mocks Christian culture and himself.
Acuff shares one account with his wife of eight years, Jenny, and estimates that one-third of their married friends also use one e-mail address.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/09/05/christian-couples-staying-faithful-on-facebook-twitter.html


At the most basic level, this is simply a question of remaining above reproach. It's a way of staying accountable to one another and to the rest of the world. The apostle Paul urges Christians to steer clear not only of evil itself but even of the mere appearance of evil (I Thessalonians 5:22). This is something believers need to take seriously, both in their marriages and in their interactions with others.
We should add that sharing passwords or, if appropriate, maintaining a shared account can also be a way of building a hedge around your marriage. It's a strategy for protecting your relationship against outside threats. Whether you've been married for thirty days or thirty years, you're never really immune to the threat of an extra-marital affair.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/fam...-passwords-best-practices-for-married-couples




[A]ccording to the Pew Research Center’s latest survey, several new symbols of romantic devotion have taken hold among couples: the shared password, the joint email address and the fused social media profile.
Along with having The Talk and meeting parents, creating joint accounts and passing passwords have apparently become relationship benchmarks. Moving inboxes together is the new moving in together.
Among partners who’ve been together fewer than ten years, 8 percent share a social networking account, while 14 percent of couples together over ten years have a shared profile.
A similar pattern holds true for email, Pew found. Ten percent of couples who’ve been together five years or fewer use the same email account, a figure that jumps to 24 percent for couples together six to 10 years, and climbs to 38 percent for couples who’ve been together over a decade.
“Psychologically, when couples share social media accounts, it more likely than not is a sign of codependency or insecurity,” Suzana Flores, the therapist, told Mashable. “It’s almost like the couple is ... too enmeshed.”
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/11/sharing-facebook-profile_n_4768508.html


There's a new trend in social media, and it's not a fresh platform or a new app. Apparently, more and more couples are sharing social media accounts.


A recent study from Social Psychological and Personality Science cited in Mashable shows that this is very much a thing—and furthermore, that couples who post more about their relationships on Facebook say they feel happier and more secure with their partners.
https://www.today.com/health/would-you-share-facebook-twitter-instagram-your-partner-I543575


And besides Focus on the Family, a couple other Christian sites advocating it:


Pro's:
It holds me accountable to what I post and reply to.
I think about my husband, all. of. the. time.
I get to see the things that interest him by the things that he "likes".
It shows that we are one and rids us of any temptations that might come our way from the internet.
I got rid of a lot of "facebook friends".
http://www.agodlymarriageinanungodlyworld.com/2013/10/the-truth-about-combined-facebook.html


Why My Husband and I Share a Facebook Account
https://intentionalbygrace.com/why-my-husband-and-i-share-a-facebook-account/

I have two folks who mesh theirs. One, I think it's mostly b/c he is on there, and just answers/posts for both of them, and she doesn't care much for the internet, and the other, I think, is the more evangelical, combined, type. I just get that feeling. It kind of annoys me too b/c I don't really know for sure who is posting. They should initial their posts.

 

[cujenn81]

But at one time they did have a Facebook. A joint facebook - it was like "KeithandSherri Papini" or "SherriandKeith Papini", I don't remember which. To me, that is a bigger red flag than not having Facebook at all. A joint Facebook SCREAMS insecurity to me, especially for a couple in their 30s.

This ecard immediately comes to mind.



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[Lilibet]

This ecard immediately comes to mind.



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:silly:

 

[rsd1200]

This ecard immediately comes to mind.



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:laughing:

 

[cujenn81]

To those being judgy about married couples choosing to have shared social media accounts:

According to a survey by the UK’s DivorceOnline, Facebook was implicated in a third of all divorce filings in a recent year. Moreover, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, over 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys have witnessed a rise in the number of divorces linked to social networking. A study published in July 2014 in the journal, Computers in Human Behavior, revealed that the use of social networking sites “is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness, and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and thinking about divorce.”

Author Jason Krafsky, who wrote Facebook and Your Marriage, states that when couples deal with social media sites: “It is not enough to have good intentions. Most affairs do not start because someone says to themselves ‘I think I’ll have an affair.'” He states that Facebook “puts temptation in the path of people who would never in a million years risk having an affair.”

Many research studies are referring to “internet infidelity” and “virtual adultery” as a national epidemic.

https://www.divorceify.com/divorcei...-social-media-related-to-higher-divorce-rates

I graduated with a degree in psychology in 2009. We had to choose a topic for this huge research project during our final semester. I chose to conduct my study on the negative implications of excessive use of social media. I created a questionnaire of 100 true or false statements (along with questions about how often they logged into their accounts and how much time they typically spent on the site on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis) and PSY 101 students participated online for extra credit in their intro class. A large majority indicated that social media had negatively impacted their romantic relationships. A large number of participants also admitted they used social media to spy on their partner. Some even admitted to posting things on their page and/or someone else's page with the sole intent of making another person jealous.


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[Hippiemomof5]

This ecard immediately comes to mind.



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Yes, this is what I always think too. Although, I feel the same about vow renewals. It doesn’t mean that’s always the case.

I’ve never had a shared account with my husband and we both left Facebook two years ago, just too much drama, mostly from a family member. I still have a business account for my Etsy shop but have no friends so there’s no feed.

My brother and sister in law had a shared account for a short time and I know it was due to trust issues.

 

[rsd1200]

Yes, this is what I always think too. Although, I feel the same about vow renewals. It doesn’t mean that’s always the case.

I’ve never had a shared account with my husband and we both left Facebook two years ago, just too much drama, mostly from a family member. I still have a business account for my Etsy shop but have no friends so there’s no feed.

My brother and sister in law had a shared account for a short time and I know it was due to trust issues.

I don't get the "vow renewal" deals, either. My first marriage was just hysterical. lol The 2nd was classed up a tad. I've no desire, nor energy, to fool with a "vow renewal". I've kept them this long, so I'm good.