We all bring a framework of experience to our points of view and I'm no exception. I was married to an abuser for 4 years. Two of those years were suffering through the contentious divorce. I, as a domestic violence survivor, and as a woman who ultimately left that marriage not because what the man did to me, but because of what he did to my child, do not see MR in the same light as some of you.
In my eyes, in part from what his ex-wives have said about him, MR was not an ideal father nor an ideal husband. YET, these relationships he had lasted a long time, over a decade each. For some reasons we are prohibited from discussing, I also see MR as less assertive both socially and in an interpersonal sense than his ex-spouses. In his own home, perhaps he did stand his ground occasionally. His reticence to be in the forefront of this is not a sign, by itself, of guilt. As for CR, his anger seems to have been born after Dylan went missing. He went on vacation with his father when he was of age and not required to do so. He hugged his father at a vigil. What in the world happened to change him into an angry young man? His brother disappearing is enough to make anyone mad. I get that. But where I fall shy of complete belief or credibility for his expressed feelings is the suddenness of them and the certainty he (and others) have of Mark's involvement. When pressed, he (and others) are unable to be specific about the WHY of it. It leaves me scratching my head...
BBM
I understand and respect that each of us are allowed our personal opinions and that they do not nor need not agree with others.
Since it was mentioned, I have to ask, during your four years in an abusive marriage:
Did you ever hug or kiss your husband? If you did, did that mean that he was NOT abusive, ever? Or did it mean that he was not abusive at that moment?
Afterwards, did your child have visitation and hug or kiss the other parent, go on vacations?
As a survivor of abuse, IMO is would be known firsthand that the abuse is not 24/7, there are good times and bad times. The wine and roses period when after the abuse, the apologies come, the promises, the wonderful life and happy marriage that you (in general) really want is back. There is a cycle and those cycles get closer and closer as the abuse continues. The wine & roses period gets shorter and shorter.
A victim of domestic violence tends to blame themselves next time I wont do this because it sets him off, I should have done this better, I never should have mentioned that because it makes him mad.
Many abusers are masters at their control, the old saying no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, is very true. The life of the party can also be the nightmare at home.
I wont speak for ER, but I do know that in my case, my strength and my assertiveness came AFTER the divorce and after therapy. I still coward when a man raises his hand, which may never change.
CRs anger may have always been there, publicly we dont know, or it could have grown from frustration over time.
I can be specific about WHY I believe that MR is involved. That is an in-depth conversation I have had with those that need to know WHY. It is up to the reader to take with them anything or nothing from what I may post; however, it is NOT up to the reader to disparage me or anyone else for not giving more details than I believe are safe to give on a public forum. Please keep in mind that WE are living this, while others are viewing this. If 6 out 7 people that have lived with MR believe that he has heavy involvement and the 7th is missing, there is reason for that and it is up to each to accept or not.
