I’m going to be really honest — I’ve become numb to her anniversaries,” she said. “I don’t do the ‘what ifs’ anymore. I don’t sit there and think about what if she was here. I don’t put myself through that any more. I’ve come to realize she will never celebrate the holidays with me or with the boys. I’m never going to know what she would look like or be like. Ayla is no longer here with me. That was all taken from me, all of it, and I’m never going to get it back