No one starts out like a complete jerk. The early part of the relationship is GOOD. In fact, usually the extra attention of someone that is controlling is "flattering" - and it's that honeymoon part of the relationship that you WANT to spend all the time together anyway - so it's looked at as commitment.
Then - there's an argument, usually followed by a huge flourish for the make up part - flowers, dinner, sincere apology. Also apparently sincere.
No one says these abusers are not charming - they are. In a way, they are relationship scam artists. Scam artists get away with things because they earn trust, because they are "likable" and emotional abusers are the same.
they don't start out calling you a (fill in the blank here) it happens gradually. And over the course of that time, they've slowly isolated you from your friends (and of course - you were somewhat willing in the beginning) and really dinged your confidence. There HAS to be some personality trait of these women, too - perhaps another form of perfectionism ("I can make this work" or something), but when it happens, it's a perfect storm.
So - someone being emotionally abusive, and having long term relationships is not exclusive. We haven't found a way to either make them wear a t-shirt or be branded - so it's not always easy to spot them because they can be quite charming, especially at first.