NV NV - Steven T. Koecher, 30, Henderson, 13 Dec 2009 - #14

[CONCRNED CTZN]

I hear ya. I think most of us here have shown that we care.

During our discussions, we talk about painful things - and that's kinda what brought Naegle over here in the first place, to set the record straight from the family's perspective.

But there's also been times where derogatory comments stepped over the line (things like "I'd run away from that family, too" by people who don't even know the family! AND/OR mocking the efforts of the PI and the search itself).

Since then, we've had little input from the family. Maybe it's hard for them to understand why strangers want to focus on their missing loved one to this extent. It'd be hard to read all the speculation, receive probing questions about his finances that have little to do with the case (other than "was he in debt?" - which we already knew).

After the last few sets of questions went unanswered, I figured we needed a cooling-off period.

I'm hoping, if the family does peek in occasionally, they'll see that we do have good intentions.

Myself, I'm only here for Steven's case. I think the key to the case is external to the family, which explains why they're as much at a loss as we are -- and it began in St George.

If we were dealing with unintelligent backwoods people I might have a tendency to trust your instincts on why the family chooses not to be more involved on here or anywhere for that matter. But they are not. They are educated, socialized, involved members of society. Probably more than the average person in fact given their business ventures and educational backgrounds. If someone is missing it seems like any press (even negative) is often welcome. I see families all the time on Nancy Grace or multiple other shows stating this exact theory. They'll answer questions or dispel theories just to get their family member in the news.

This is very telling to me. I am not bad mouthing or suggesting that they didn't love Steven or anything negative. I am suggesting that in their heart of hearts they know or feel something. I realize people must go on with their lives, but even if there is an open investigation (aren't they open until they are solved) it doesn't seem irrational that providing details to the public would aid in their search. 6 months to cool off is a VERY long time when a family member is missing. His family would certainly know our intentions are sincere...6 months is a long time for many of the people on here to follow the case. If they were so turned off by us, wouldn't it make sense to say...and they haven't because they are not turned off...they are tuned in to something else?????

And this is not suggesting that I have wasted my time or any of you have. I am more suggesting that we are not reading the silence correctly. Maybe they realize something through all the research and investigations that we don't.

 

[laytonian]

If we were dealing with unintelligent backwoods people I might have a tendency to trust your instincts on why the family chooses not to be more involved on here or anywhere for that matter. But they are not. They are educated, socialized, involved members of society. Probably more than the average person in fact given their business ventures

Is there some business venture(s) we've missed? Dad works as the editor (not the publisher) of a once-a-week county newspaper, and Mom works in a bank.

and educational backgrounds. If someone is missing it seems like any press (even negative) is often welcome. I see families all the time on Nancy Grace or multiple other shows stating this exact theory. They'll answer questions or dispel theories just to get their family member in the news.

How many of those families are the parents of a 30-year-old man, whose case is not considered a crime by LE?

This is very telling to me. I am not bad mouthing or suggesting that they didn't love Steven or anything negative. I am suggesting that in their heart of hearts they know or feel something. I realize people must go on with their lives, but even if there is an open investigation (aren't they open until they are solved) it doesn't seem irrational that providing details to the public would aid in their search. 6 months to cool off is a VERY long time when a family member is missing. His family would certainly know our intentions are sincere...6 months is a long time for many of the people on here to follow the case. If they were so turned off by us, wouldn't it make sense to say...and they haven't because they are not turned off...they are tuned in to something else?????

And this is not suggesting that I have wasted my time or any of you have. I am more suggesting that we are not reading the silence correctly. Maybe they realize something through all the research and investigations that we don't.

So, your theory is......? That they're hiding whatever happened, that would resolve the case? (Isn't that illegal? If he's not a missing person any longer, shouldn't his case be removed from NAMUS and other law-enforcement websites?)

As far as we've understood, Henderson PD sees no crime and yes, it's an active missing persons case. But that doesn't mean they have to do any investigation, especially if they can classify it was a walkaway. That's why the family was told to hire a PI, and investigate it themselves (which is being done).

I'm not sure what else the family can do.

 

[carbuff]

We like you both; let's save the pithiness for when we can kick SK's butt.
K?

I can deal with that.

 

[carbuff]

<snip>
So, your theory is......? That they're hiding whatever happened, that would resolve the case? (Isn't that illegal? If he's not a missing person any longer, shouldn't his case be removed from NAMUS and other law-enforcement websites?)
<snip>

There would be a difference between being having evidence that could be taken to LE to officially resolve a case, and becoming convinced in one's own gut that a certain path was what had happened.

 

[laytonian]

There would be a difference between being having evidence that could be taken to LE to officially resolve a case, and becoming convinced in one's own gut that a certain path was what had happened.

Absolutely.
Since the PI's investigation is (apparently) focusing on Steven having been a crime victim, it's my belief they're resigned to him being deceased.
As we've heard from other families of missing persons, and as Steven's brother well-described (in his blog we recently read), the pain of not knowing what happening, is deep and unending -- yet you DO still have to carry on your life, because you owe it to everyone else to be strong. But sometimes you can't.

"So I apologize to my dear family. What you see in me now is a person coping over a missing brother. I haven't given up, but I just don't know where to go. I haven't lost hope, in the other side of the veil at least. It's in God's hands now. Love ya Steve. " --- Dallin Koecher

That means they're relying on their faith, and since they're all sealed in the temple, there's the promise of them all being together in the afterlife. The LDS religion is comforting that way.

 

[webrocket]

I read somewhere that if a Mormon rejects church teachings it is considered "social suicide". Some apply that concept to Mormons coming out as gay.

If that is true, and I'm not expert in Mormonism, then it is a very plausible explanation that Steven, notwithstanding his public displays of faith, had enough of it and since his family would consider him to be dead by rejecting the church, he preferred that they believe he was really dead.

I am not saying he actually committed suicide. I have never believed that.

 

[sbakker]

I read somewhere that if a Mormon rejects church teachings it is considered "social suicide". Some apply that concept to Mormons coming out as gay.

If that is true, and I'm not expert in Mormonism, then it is a very plausible explanation that Steven, notwithstanding his public displays of faith, had enough of it and since his family would consider him to be dead by rejecting the church, he preferred that they believe he was really dead.

I am not saying he actually committed suicide. I have never believed that.

I am mormon, and have not really heard that, but I guess that is possible. Listening to SK's friends, and talking to some of them, I guess I wasen't really thinking he might be gay. I have many friends who have gay children. Some have not accepted it, some have. Some of their children are active in the church, some are not. Like any other religion or family, some are accepted, some are not.

 

[Fairy1]

I have met several of Steven's family members and they are lovely, kind, caring people who want to find him. They've been thrust into a circumstance most of us will never have to face. Every family deals with it differently, from what I see here.

I have always tended to believe that Steven may have walked away from his life in St. George, only because there doesn't seem to have been anything truly meaningful that bound him to it. If he left to pursue something outside of his norm, it may simply be his own perception that his family wouldn't accept it. That doesn"t mean they wouldn't.

 

[jmarple]

I read somewhere that if a Mormon rejects church teachings it is considered "social suicide". Some apply that concept to Mormons coming out as gay.

If that is true, and I'm not expert in Mormonism, then it is a very plausible explanation that Steven, notwithstanding his public displays of faith, had enough of it and since his family would consider him to be dead by rejecting the church, he preferred that they believe he was really dead.

I am not saying he actually committed suicide. I have never believed that.

I have been a Mormon most of my life and have never heard of this, especially the part regarding his family considering him to be dead by rejecting the church. This is definitely not a church doctrine. Go to http://www.lds.org for information on the LDS church.

 

[CONCRNED CTZN]

I have been a Mormon most of my life and have never heard of this, especially the part regarding his family considering him to be dead by rejecting the church. This is definitely not a church doctrine. Go to http://www.lds.org for information on the LDS church.

Then you would know, like the rest of us lifetime members, that while the church might not tell a family to disown a member or treat them differently, many families, i.e. parents, siblings (unfortunately being LDS does not make us infallible) interpret certain teachings wrong or can't face the self imposed (in most cases) ridicule of having a child that his a drug addict, homosexual, or even just not active. It's easier to disown a child than accept their imperfections...it happens all the time in society, not just in our church.

I don't know if this is the case with SK...I just think it's important not to rule something out just because it's not something that the church teaches. All principles are open to individual interpretation.

 

[CONCRNED CTZN]

Is there some business venture(s) we've missed? Dad works as the editor (not the publisher) of a once-a-week county newspaper, and Mom works in a bank.



How many of those families are the parents of a 30-year-old man, whose case is not considered a crime by LE?



So, your theory is......? That they're hiding whatever happened, that would resolve the case? (Isn't that illegal? If he's not a missing person any longer, shouldn't his case be removed from NAMUS and other law-enforcement websites?)

As far as we've understood, Henderson PD sees no crime and yes, it's an active missing persons case. But that doesn't mean they have to do any investigation, especially if they can classify it was a walkaway. That's why the family was told to hire a PI, and investigate it themselves (which is being done).

I'm not sure what else the family can do.

So if there is no crime and the police are not investigating...why would you put forth that feelings of the heart (head) about what happened are illegal?

 

[carbuff]

I have been a Mormon most of my life and have never heard of this, especially the part regarding his family considering him to be dead by rejecting the church. This is definitely not a church doctrine. Go to http://www.lds.org for information on the LDS church.

I went to college with a nice Mormon boy who was cut off completely by his family for deciding to follow a career they felt was against God's will for him. I don't remember the details but it had something to do with their feeling that God wanted him to stay in small-town Idaho and run the family business.

 

[laytonian]

So if there is no crime and the police are not investigating...why would you put forth that feelings of the heart (head) about what happened are illegal?

I'm sorry, but HUH?

"I am suggesting that in their heart of hearts they know or feel something."

This is what I said: "So, your theory is......? That they're hiding whatever happened, that would resolve the case?"

To me, knowing is very different than what's in the heart, and I replied to the part about "knowing".

 

[sbakker]

I went to college with a nice Mormon boy who was cut off completely by his family for deciding to follow a career they felt was against God's will for him. I don't remember the details but it had something to do with their feeling that God wanted him to stay in small-town Idaho and run the family business.

This happens in ALL types of families, NOT because they are mormons. I am not tryin g to argue with you, but this is not "a mormon thing". There are things my friends, children, and mormon relatives do, that might not be what we would choose for them, but it is absurd to think that if they do not do what we want them to, we cut them off. Those kind of things (cut kids off, because God wanted him in a small town) are personal family beliefs.

 

[Fairy1]

IMO - if anyone is hiding anything, it's only because they think (or know) he was murdered.

 

[carbuff]

This happens in ALL types of families, NOT because they are mormons. I am not tryin g to argue with you, but this is not "a mormon thing". There are things my friends, children, and mormon relatives do, that might not be what we would choose for them, but it is absurd to think that if they do not do what we want them to, we cut them off. Those kind of things (cut kids off, because God wanted him in a small town) are personal family beliefs.

Certainly it happens in other religions. But this guy and his family both described the situation as church-imposed. Now whether they were misinterpreting doctrine and events, I can't say -- it was years ago and I was never privy to details -- but I think it's unwise to say it never happens, either.

And the only point is that whatever the truth of SK's family attitudes, if he had seen incidents like that, he might have feared a more negative reaction from them or from the people around him. Fear can be a very strong motivator and it has nothing to do with truth.

 

[Fairy1]

Certainly it happens in other religions. But this guy and his family both described the situation as church-imposed. Now whether they were misinterpreting doctrine and events, I can't say -- it was years ago and I was never privy to details -- but I think it's unwise to say it never happens, either.

And the only point is that whatever the truth of SK's family attitudes, if he had seen incidents like that, he might have feared a more negative reaction from them or from the people around him. Fear can be a very strong motivator and it has nothing to do with truth.

True. But fear, probably more often than not, also has nothing to do with religion either. There are judgmental people in all walks of life.

 

[sbakker]

Certainly it happens in other religions. But this guy and his family both described the situation as church-imposed. Now whether they were misinterpreting doctrine and events, I can't say -- it was years ago and I was never privy to details -- but I think it's unwise to say it never happens, either.

And the only point is that whatever the truth of SK's family attitudes, if he had seen incidents like that, he might have feared a more negative reaction from them or from the people around him. Fear can be a very strong motivator and it has nothing to do with truth.

You are right, it is unwise to say it never happens, but it happens in ALL religions, its NOT a mormon thing. But your friend and family were WRONG, because it is not church imposed.

 

[sbakker]

I am not here to defend the mormon church, but I will speak up when untruths are talked about. I do not proclaim to be a church scholar, but on the other hand, I will speak up when I feel something is a untruth.

 

[SleuthyMcSleutherson]

I don't think the Koechers are intentionally hiding anything they think is relevant to the case. I do wonder if they haven't been forthcoming about little details that might not put them or Steven in the best light. I know there was talk about Steven feeling like a failure because he didn't have a good career/financial history. Was this a result of piecing together bits of information, or do we have anyone (Steven or someone else) stating that he felt like a failure or disappointment in some way?

I'm leaning toward the theory that he went to Henderson for some job opportunity that he thought was going to pull him out of the hole. Maybe he didn't tell anyone because he wanted to be able to say/show, "See, I did it for myself!" And then, I think he met with foul play. The suicide or walking-away-from-life theories just don't seem as likely to me, though that's just my gut feeling.