YESorNO
The Queen (aka "mrsmuir") SWBB
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2013
- Messages
- 34,377
- Reaction score
- 68,979
Sorry that I have been a grump today. 
Guess I started the morning off badly by reading about Ms. Novak.
Don't be bashing old people or America- I getkay:
So- some funnies:
--------------------
The Reason I’m Tired!
For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my
job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
-------------------------------------------
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan created HMOs.
----------------------------------------------------------------
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know of what he died, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big poop he always was."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man lay upstairs, on his death bed, barely alive. From downstairs in the house wafted up the scent of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Using his last ounce of strength, he hauled himself upright, staggered out to the hall and painfully inched his way, one stair at a time, down stairs.
He crept along slowly, balancing himself by clutching the wall, until finally he reached the kitchen. Sure enough, cooling on the kitchen table, he saw the wonderful cookies. He stretched out his hand to grasp one, when suddenly his hand was smacked by his wife, standing behind him.
"Stay out of those," she yelled.
"They're for the funeral."
-------------------------------------
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll love my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big *advertiser censored* who owns a liquor store.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
---------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my *advertiser censored* are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
----------------------------------------------
For Sale by Owner
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything
---------------------------------------
Guess I started the morning off badly by reading about Ms. Novak.
Don't be bashing old people or America- I get
kay:So- some funnies:
--------------------
The Reason I’m Tired!
For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my
job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
-------------------------------------------
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan created HMOs.
----------------------------------------------------------------
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know of what he died, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big poop he always was."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man lay upstairs, on his death bed, barely alive. From downstairs in the house wafted up the scent of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Using his last ounce of strength, he hauled himself upright, staggered out to the hall and painfully inched his way, one stair at a time, down stairs.
He crept along slowly, balancing himself by clutching the wall, until finally he reached the kitchen. Sure enough, cooling on the kitchen table, he saw the wonderful cookies. He stretched out his hand to grasp one, when suddenly his hand was smacked by his wife, standing behind him.
"Stay out of those," she yelled.
"They're for the funeral."
-------------------------------------
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll love my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big *advertiser censored* who owns a liquor store.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
---------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my *advertiser censored* are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
----------------------------------------------
For Sale by Owner
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything
---------------------------------------
