My son the veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly
offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink
envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the
next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering
was collected and saw an elderly woman put the
distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went
on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends
me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is
a lot, are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea
they made that much money," the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada...
He has
two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
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Redneck thinking
Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon
over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday
and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted
his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
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Pregnant women with their partners
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.
The class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men
how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, and Gentlemen, remember Youre in this together
It wouldnt hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
Yes, answered the Instructor.
I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??
This kind of sensitivity just cant be taught!
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Two legal problems
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
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Perfect time
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand.
Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies: "It's the $100 I owe you."
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Bad and terrible news
George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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The old man and the hunter
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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And WHY NOT?
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And WHY NOT?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."
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Do you remember?
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted the position of manager, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
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We're going to be careful
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says: "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies: "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"
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