Support
The prospective father in law asked "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom replied "Well no, I was just planning to support your
daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
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This may be a little,naughty
A frustrated wife buys apair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At a strategic moment she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks,
"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
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Secrets of a long happy marriage
An old woman was sipping a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says -
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asks - "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies - "It's me . . . . talking to the wine."
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Old Friends At The Bar
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Bob,
"That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb s--t."
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Old friends?
An old man is sitting at the bar. Another elderly gentleman comes in, nods to him and orders a Guiness from the bartender.
First old man: "Faith, laddie, I can tell by yer accent that you're from the Auld Sod. Imagine two of us in this same bar from Ireland. Let's have a drink on it!"
Second old man: "Yes, let's. Are ye a Dublin man?"
First old man: "The very thing! Born and bred on O'Connell Street."
Second old man: "Ye don't say? I was, myself! It's not every day two old laddies from O'Connell Street meet up like this. It's for sure we must be havin' a drink on it!"
First old man: "Ye didn't go to school at the Brother's, did ye?"
Second old man: "I did indeed! D'ye remember Brother Finn? What a beatin' he gave me on a regular basis. It's a drink we'll be havin' to Ol' Brother Finn!"
After much conversation and more beer, they discover that they also both had a sister who had been a nun, a brother named Connor, and a great love for the horses.
This goes on for a while and another customer remarks to the bartender that it was certainly a coincidence that two elderly men who came from the same place would end up meeting in a bar in
Las Angeles. "Naw," says the bartender, "Nothing to get excited about. It's just the Maloney twins drunk again."
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Wedding photo album
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "...is that when mommy came to work for us?"
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Bud the Cowboy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
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Minnesota Humor
A road crew supervisor in Minnesota hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji.
The supervisor was skeptical about hiring him since OIe didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and he told the supervisor that he really needed the job.
At least his wife Lena told him so.
He explained to Ole that his work or the day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road.
He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how
pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him.
His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work.
But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.
He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.
On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road.
Ole was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.
"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.
What's the problem, Ole?"
"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can."
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"What do you want out of life?"
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is 4 little animals."
The teacher asked, "And what 4 little animals would that be Sugar?"
The little girl said, "a mink on my back","a Jaguar in my garage," "a tiger in my bed," "And, a Jackazz to pay for it all."
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Advice for an old guy....
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
laughing
