Michelle Young too was never once hit - until the day her husband beat her and their unborn son to death. This is a subject I'm obviously rather passionate about and try really hard to explain to others both IRL and online. I didn't fully understand I was in an abusive relationship for five years simply because, where he threatened to hit me every time I did something 'wrong', he never actually did. Even after he pulled a gun on me while I was holding our baby daughter I didn't see 'abuse'. Five years in though, I confronted him and begged him to go to counseling. For months he pretended to be attending sessions offered by a local DV advocacy. I found out he was lying about that, confronted him on it, and he flew into such a violent rage I was certain I was going to die that day. It pushed me deeper into denial and depression that would last another 5 1/2 years. I didn't so much as even whisper the word abuse again while living with him.
I didn't know what psychological abuse looked like. I didn't understand why I couldn't be what he wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't aware of terms like gaslighting and crazy-making. I couldn't make sense of why I was miserable and blamed myself for not being capable of happiness or even contentment. I certainly wasn't knowledgeable of telltale red flags both in my relationship and abuser that, had I known better, perhaps would've made me slow the progress of our relationship before I was ensnared. Yet, though I was never hit, my relationship very nearly totally destroyed me and certainly even nearly killed me. For all his threats to murder me, he might not have had to, because at the very end - at the zenith of an escalation of stalking, cyber-stalking, threats and intimidation - I was very close to committing suicide.
And while I've come a heckuva long way I still struggle with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, low self-esteem, memory loss, and a whole host of other 'gifts' that my abuser left me with. I get what you're saying, molly, trust me, I truly DO get it...but...
Verbal abuse just on its own doesn't define an abusive relationship in my opinion - it's very often, in fact almost always, a component within an abusive relationship though. People can be abusive and not be abusers. And that, I believe, is where LaViolette lets us all down. Her continuum is brilliant at helping to identify abusive behaviors themselves but doesn't go nearly far enough to explain the dynamics and psychology of abusive relationships. And her testimony to many well known markers is in direct conflict with Jodi's testimony.
Further, to willfully ignore bright neon signs of Jodi's behavior synonymous with many abusive personalities, while professing to be 'an advocate for all victims', is reprehensible in my opinion. As such I believe her bias is so skewed it leaves me personally skeptical how much true experience and understanding she really has obtained throughout her substantial career.
