Thank you. I just reflect about how I handled myself and was I too clingy and aloof? It's stuff like that. I know though that apologizing would open up doors I'm not sure they want to go down nor would I. I can say with certainty that I've always had feelings - remorse and guilt. I didn't feel remorse or guilt till I was 19 though and I can still recall exactly where I was and what had happened (I ran a red light lol). I never hurt animals but I abused drugs, I got into sex work for control / attention and the money - I had kids very young, I had some unhealthy relationships with famous people. I however knew boundaries as I'm a VERY reclusive person (more than what's healthy) and private. It caused a lot of fights because they were the limelight and I rather sit at home. I see my youngest son (who's 13) now being reclusive and other things that I did too. Which makes me question everything. I thought I became this way because of who my birth parents are and due to abandonment, insanity growing up in the spotlight and things like that. Maybe it's not that way. My birth parents were heroin addicts and my mom killed herself and my dad later killed himself. My dad went to prison because he said he killed my mom at first. I was very little and don't remember any of this, but I grew up in their shadow and it attracted their fans and psychos. I recoiled and hid, so i thought that I developed BPD because of this stuff. Maybe I had a genetic marker.. so much is unknown.
I will say that I lived fast, furious and with the intent to die at the same age as my parents (which was 20 and 21) but I'm in my 30's and still here. That means I'm sitting here with real reflection and caring about living now. I don't know if that makes any sense...
being borderline means I attract the really bad people too. I'm "different" and fragile but vivacious and mysterious. It attracts the wrong people and I'm back to being quiet and reclusive, suspicious of everyone's motive. I have real PTSD and I jump at every freaking noise, I rarely sleep out of fear of the dark and storms (currently it's flooding here so I'm not sleeping), that's how I knew Jodi doesn't have it. She didn't jump at noises in the interrogation room - where she should have been off the chart with her supposed anxiety. She also doesn't do drugs or self harm and that made it obvious that her ego is what rules her.
She just makes me weary of ever being open about what I have or why I may be a certain way, furthering how I'll recoil and not be social for awhile. She's now the face of BPD.