I've thought about that note overnight and am struck by how many people have just assumed she wrote it in anguish or despair, because that's what the defence have said or they relate it to personal circumstances.
No one know what state of mind she was in. Like John Worboys, she could have been plotting out her excuses for WHY she killed them because:
- (Remorseful defence) on purpose, I am evil
- (Self pitying defence) because i'm not good enough to care for them, I will never have kids/marry
- (Indignant defence) I haven't done anything wrong
- (Blame defence) Police victimisation, slander, discrimination
- Feelings to demonstrate to police depending on which defence is used - I can't breathe (Remorseful), I don't deserve to live or deserve mum and dad etc (Self pitying), Why me (indignant), panic/fear (blame)
Writing on a post it note with doodles of a cat shows me she wasn't that anguished. Because you have to really concentrate on getting everything into a teeny tiny post tit. When you're anguished, it's not easy to focus in that way. Also the pen pressure looks different so it looks like it was written at different times. Why return to the same note unless she was just updating her ideas and wanted it in one place. She was methodical, we know this from how she writes down everything, so it makes sense that she wanted everything on one post it if they were all linked thoughts - all linked to her defence excuses.
I''m very curious to see what other notes they found at her home.
I do feel she has a more calculating air about her because she messaged people to say she was bored, unfulfilled, days were slow - just after babies had died on her watch! Then got defensive (as per messages) when she was being questioned by a senior consultant - surely you'd expect to be questioned if you've been present at all the unexplained incidents.
Also the very methodical notes on understanding who made allegations and what was the evidence. She didn't crack at interview and knew how to evade questions even in 2020. She strikes me as someone calm, collected and analytical not hysterical.
MOO.