What is "Closure?"

[TxLady2]

(((sweetmop))) I have also survived the death of my teenage daughter who was killed just over 2 years ago. I agree totally there is no such thing as closure. I have found the pain does gets a little softer as time moves forward.

Cindy and George have a long hard road ahead of them.

This is a poem that I have on my memorial for my daughter:

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

What a beautiful memorial poem! Thank you for sharing.
There is no closure when you lose someone you love through death, whether it is a child, a parent, a brother or sister or grandmother, or aunt or uncle or just a friend. I have lost both parents, an aunt and uncle, and two sisters-in-law in the past few years. You never stop loving them and missing them and hurting for your loss.
Closure is when you break up with a boyfriend and one day realize you don't love them anymore. It's when you close the door on one part of your life and know that you can never go back there again. It's quitting one job to take another that you will enjoy more or make more money. It is NOT losing someone you love and laying them to rest. You never get over that. Time does not heal the hurt, it only makes it a little easier to bear.
I don't often agree with NG, but this time I do. There is no closure when you lose someone, especially in a violent crime. Their lives will never be the same, never be better, never be brighter or more peaceful. Casey took all that away from them.

 

[Cara's Mom]

I have never lost anyone to a violent crime, but my friend lost his fiancee about 15 yrs ago when she was raped and murdered in her apt. The was caught and he will be in prison for the rest of his life. I think my friend has in some way, moved past it-ie got married, divorced, has alot of friends, successful job etc; but I don't think its something you just walk away from. I know he's said he hasn't cried for anything since then, hasn't had a girlfriend in 4yrs. I don't think you get closure from a funeral or a successful prosecution-I think we, as humans, have some protective, survival mechanism that enable us to somehow, keep going; and perhaps find a "box" to put the incident in in our minds that enables you to get out of bed, go to work, just go on somehow. The A's will never have closure, they will never be the same people; but they will go on always with Caylee in their thoughts and hearts.

 

[simonsmom]

I lost my brother to suicide. It has been 6 years. I still grieve for him. Closure is something people who haven't lost someone believe in. Poor George.

 

[Clock's Tickin]

closure - 8 dictionary results
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clo⋅sure   /ˈkloʊʒər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kloh-zher] Show IPA Pronunciation
noun, verb, -sured, -sur⋅ing.
–noun 1. the act of closing; the state of being closed.
2. a bringing to an end; conclusion.
3. something that closes or shuts.
4. closer (def. 2).
5. an architectural screen or parapet, esp. one standing free between columns or piers.
6. Phonetics. an occlusion of the vocal tract as an articulatory feature of a particular speech sound. Compare constriction (def. 5).
7. Parliamentary Procedure. a cloture.
8. Surveying. completion of a closed traverse in such a way that the point of origin and the endpoint coincide within an acceptably small margin of error. Compare error of closure.
9. Mathematics. a. the property of being closed with respect to a particular operation.
b. the intersection of all closed sets that contain a given set.

10. Psychology. a. the tendency to see an entire figure even though the picture of it is incomplete, based primarily on the viewer's past experience.
b. a sense of psychological certainty or completeness: a need for closure.

11. Obsolete. something that encloses or shuts in; enclosure.
–verb (used with object), verb (used without object) 12. Parliamentary Procedure. to cloture.


In this case "closure" is the sense of psychological certainty or completeness.
When people need closure-it is a need to know that the worst is behind them-the feeling that from this very point, you can move forward. When someone is lost for a length of time, that closure CAN (but does not always) begin when they are found-dead or alive. When someone has died, that closure CAN (but does not always) come with the memorial service when the "duty" of sending them off to Heaven has been seen through. With the circumstances surrounding Caylee, I think there are far too many unanswered questions for closure to even begin-there is no certainty-everything about this is incomplete. The truth would certainly assist the process of closure, as would a memorial service, but the family is far far from any beginning right now. I wouldn't count on Caylee being buried at all. If the family chooses cremation, I expect they will keep her remains closer to home...perhaps in an urn...they may not even want closure yet.

 

[kageykaren]

Nomoresorrow can we start that wailing thread up? I'v been in non functioning grief mode. I am able to eat now, walk & carry on a conversation but a thread like that would be great at explaining how people pick themselves back up. I'm wailing and waiting for that thread.

 

[LLH]

Closure is just a stepping stone on the path to acceptance. Life is a book with many chapters, and once read, it is forever in our library of knowledge~

 

[LiveLaughLuv]

I think they will be able to begin the healing process of Caylee's death, once they have the funeral/memorial. Think of the way it haunts us all, that never knew the child personally, to know that she has not had that last rite. I have lost two younger brothers at the age of 22 (one to cancer, the other in a car accident), and my Mother. There is no "closure", IMO to losing a loved one. If you close that chapter, you would forget them. But I think it is a necessary process with grief.

Sorry for you loss, CarolinaGirl.

When a death occurs tragically it is much different than one dying a natural death. We cry and grieve the loss but a natural death is one better accepted because it's life!

My brother was 23 when he was murdered, left in the street like some rabid animal. At his funeral the last good bye was horribly heartwrenching for me. I would never see him again until we meet up in the after life. It will be 26 years this March and I just got to the point of visiting his grave and not getting hysterical. I now shed tears but nothing as before. The pain fades but never goes away.

Closure never happens and this family will never have closure due to their child being convicted of her childs murder.

Closure to me is having justice served.

There is never any closure when there is a tragic death.

 

[Bobbisangel]

Nomoresorrow can we start that wailing thread up? I'v been in non functioning grief mode. I am able to eat now, walk & carry on a conversation but a thread like that would be great at explaining how people pick themselves back up. I'm wailing and waiting for that thread.

I agree. It would be great to have a place like that to go to. I'm with you.

 

[Stan]

no such animal IMO

.... Oh, I agree so much with you, Jelly. There's so many things that just depend on the heart and mind of the person. Me, I don't get "closure", all I ask for is the ability to cope and understand.

 

[whatgivesq]

I am a newbie (first post here) and mostly a lurker, so please be gentle with me

"Closure" is a word that must have first been used by a person that had not ever experienced a great loss, imho.

I have lost 2 brothers, a sister, gparents, my dad, and close friends. All to different causes - illness, natural causes, murder, choking.... My son is severely diabled, and was horribly attacked by a caregiver, and almost died... if our local trauma center was not top notch, I would have lost him too.

Even though some of these deaths occurred many years ago, I still remember birthdays, light candles at holidays, etc. I still take a day or two off work every year to deal with it all. While I do not dwell on the grief, I feel I need to acknowledge the gift of knowing my loved ones, even if it is only a couple of times a year. At each subsequent loss, I am reminded of the prior losses, giving grief a snowball effect. Each time seems to get worse.
Closure in the strictest sense of the word? Definitely not. Pain a little less each day? Hopefully, yes.

There is also the guilt and sadness that the memories fade after time - I do not want that to happen, but maybe that is what is helping me deal......

 

[LaLaw2000]

The word 'closure' has been around for a long time and it is just a word. There is no such thing as closure. It takes time. One day at a time down a long road is what it takes to get through.

My son was killed in a motorcycle accident on Thanksgiving Day, 1999. Then 8 months later my husband died with a massive heart attack. I am not saying this for sympathy, but rather as someone who has lost 2 loved ones within a year of each other. There was just total devastation when I lost my son. I did not think I could live another day. But you do. You get through the next day and the day after that. There finally comes a time when you can even begin to tell funny little stories about them.

The Anthony's lost Caylee in the most horrific way. That alone is devastating. Then they see their only daughter being charged with that murder. It is devastating and heartbreaking. Their nightmare is not over and will not be over for a very long time. They still have Casey's trial to get through. That will be so very hard for them as well. Life will never be the same for them.

I have been an outspoken critic of the Anthony's because of their behavior. That is not to say that I do not have compassion for anyone who faces such tragedies. It is now time for the Anthony's to stay out of the spotlight and try to deal with each day as it comes. They have done the public memorial and Casey's trial is probably a year away. There is nothing they can get out there and physically do for Caylee unless it is to have her private service if they have not already. There is nothing they can do for Casey except wait for her trial.

I sincerely mean it when I say I wish no harm to the Anthony's. I also sincerely hope that they stay out of the media, stop doing interviews, and keep B. Conway from having all of his little press conferences.

 

[RElady]

I think we all want the word "closure" to mean--"done with", "healed", "over it", etc. It's obviously not the case. We should never "get over" a loved one's death. Having a ceremony to memorialize the precious person we are grieving is a bit cathartic, ever so slightly, and helps us to move toward the next stage of grief.
It doesn't fix the irreparable problem. Putting energy into preparing the service sometimes serves as a distraction of the overwhelming loss and helps us to feel like we did one last final good thing for that person.
At least that's my experience.

 

[ExpectingUnicorns]

I think a good way to describe it, is that the pain is still there but the volume is turned down after time.

Perfect word picture; thank you!

 

[gardenhart]

I wish NG would just shut up about the word closure. She obviously has no clue what the word means or how it is used in talking about grieving. It doesn't and has never meant somehow the grief magically stops, like shutting off a faucet.

Whoever first coined the term probably shouldn't have used a word that would imply that, but it's no excuse for NG's continued ignorance of the topic. But then it's probably just another vehicle for her to rant and if it wasn't the word closure it would be something else.

There's an excellent article on what closure means here:

Closure, if one even chooses to use the term, is actually more a process than a defined moment. The initial part of closure is accepting the reality. At first, we keep hoping or wishing that it weren't true. We expect our loved ones to walk through the door. We wait for someone to tell us it was all a huge mistake. We just can't accept that this person has died, that we will never physically see them again on earth, that we will not hear their voices, feel their hugs, or get their input on a tough decision. Usually it takes weeks or even months for the reality to finally sink in. We come to know, in both our heads and our hearts, that our loved one has died and is not coming back. We still don't like it, but we accept it as true. As the reality sinks in, we can more actively heal. We begin making decisions, and start to envision a life different from what we had planned before, a life in which we no longer expect our loved one to be there....
Still, there is no point of "final closure," no point at which we can say, "Ah, now I have finally completed my grief." Or, "Yes, now I have healed." There is no point at which we will never cry again, although as time goes on the tears are bittersweet and less common. Healing is a lifelong process, one in which we often don't even realize we are healing until we look back and see how far we have come. "Closure"? I don't think so. Acceptance—yes. Peace—yes. Hope—definitely. But putting a period behind the final sentence and closing the book on it? No!

http://www.havenhealth.org/healingwithhaven/June2007.pdf

 

[Short_Stuff]

When you lose someone you go thru a process of shock, denial, mourning, dealing/acceptance that they are gone, and then moving on and going about your life as best you can is what equals closure.
As a person who lost a Mom very young, and a granddaughter, as well as other people close to me, there will NEVER be closure. I will ALWAYS think of them as I am sure the A's and everyone does at a time of death/loss.
But you eventually "go on" for the rest of your family thus getting "closure".

 

[Andy H.]

In my view "closure" is a silly, overused word that means nothing in this kind of context.

 

[jeepgirlva]

(((sweetmop))) I have also survived the death of my teenage daughter who was killed just over 2 years ago. I agree totally there is no such thing as closure. I have found the pain does gets a little softer as time moves forward.

Cindy and George have a long hard road ahead of them.

This is a poem that I have on my memorial for my daughter:

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

What a beautiful poem and I am sorry for your lost I can;t even imagine losing my child my mother died from illness 2 yrs ago and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and thats the way I want it I don't ever want to forget or close off any feelings of my mother it would feel like I am erasing her, I rather her live on in my memories of her.

 

[bessie]

It's interesting that the first thread I opened this morning was this one. At the moment I logged on, it just happened to be at the top of the list. I was jolted awake today by the disturbing memory of my older brother's death in late 2000, which came suddenly from septic shock following a surgery. We learned later, that as the doctors and nurses were working to save his life, he cried out, "Please don't let me die! Please don't let me die!" I can't even find the words to describe in this format the pain inflicted by that knowledge. It tortured me for years before becoming lost in the shuffle among the more recent tragic memories of Katrina and the suicides of two other close loved ones. Yet, this morning, in the state between sleep and consciousness, the wheel spun and stopped there. I'm here to tell you, the pain is as raw today as it was nine years ago.

My older brother's death is of one of seven I've faced in the past ten years. I've never found this so-called closure. On the contrary, I've been consumed by my emotions, chewed up and spit out, a condition compounded by the fact that the deaths came in clusters. When my younger brother committed suicide in the summer of 2007, I languished for six months until I learned to cope with the relentless, haunting thoughts that preyed on me day in and day out. They were the kind of horrific thoughts one wrestles with in the wake of a sudden, violent death, because suicide by any means is violent. There are the endless "why's" and "what if's", and the morbid curiosity you don't really want satisfied. In fact, it's not unlike that need to comprehend the incomprehensible which draws us to events like Caylee's death, but the effect on an observer is lightyears away from the devastation felt by a player. Some of you will understand what I mean; for the rest of you, I pray you never do. Years ago, when I succumbed to a paralyzing depression following my father's death, someone told me I had the ability to conquer the crippling thoughts that plagued me, but I never believed it. This time, however, I was determined not to let yet another tragedy undo the efforts I'd made to rebuild my inner structure, eroded over time under the pressure of a long series of tragic events. I made a conscious decision to fight back against the intrusion. Now, when the painful memories approach, I face them squarely and tell them to back off, keeping them at bay momentarily. But I also respect them and section off times when I visit with them, culling the ones that are of value and discarding the others. In this way, I have rendered them powerless to disrupt my daily life. I no longer allow them to prevent me from enjoying work and play. When I'm tired and particularly vulnerable, I find other activities to keep my mind engaged, sometimes just spending hours reading on this board. Even now, facing the loss of my best friend only a few months ago, I'm finding new ways to experience grief without becoming its victim. So, the point of this shamefully lengthy post is that the idea of closure as the notion that you play through the final scene and the curtain comes down is a fallacy. The wounds are not ones that can be sutured and healed. Pain and sorrow endure. The very best we can do is learn to co-exist with them by weaving them into the texture of our lives.