What is considered CONTROLLING?

[jilly]

Yes, but if you go out anyway, Are you controlled?

I think it depends on what happens after you do go out. The controller could make it so miserable for you afterwards that it wouldn't be worth it in the future to go out as much or go out at all. Control is a big word, imo.

 

[jmflu]

I think it depends on what happens after you do go out. The controller could make it so miserable for you afterwards that it wouldn't be worth it in the future to go out as much or go out at all. Control is a big word, imo.

And God knows, depending on the situation, you might be miserable the entire time you are out, and even fearful, if you are in that type of situation.

I wonder if Nancy was fearful? Did she have any idea that Brad was capable of such violence? Did she have any idea that no matter how they argued, or how she quipped about "hate mode" that he was capable of not only acting out his rage to the point of murder, but then afterwards, dumping her body uncerimoneously in a barren location as though she were a piece of trash instead of a woman he once loved and the mother of his children?

 

[ncsu95]

Here's the thing: we'll never know exactly WHY. We could write page after page after page of possible theories as to why Brad did the deed (assuming he did it)... oh wait....that's already happened! :wink: :waitasec:

The point is, we'll never know. He's not going to tell us. I think the 'who' done it is likely to be known. One may never believe Brad did it (some people can't believe anything unless they see it with their own 2 eyes and have a videotape backup as well), but statistically-speaking, he is the likely perp, and that's not even considering the facts that are emerging and will continue to likely emerge as time goes on. He is not cleared and will probably not be cleared. But the 'why' will never be known unless the killer tells you why and he ain't talking.

I hope you aren't referring to me. For the record, I believe Jason Young is guilty.

 

[ncsu95]

And God knows, depending on the situation, you might be miserable the entire time you are out, and even fearful, if you are in that type of situation.

I wonder if Nancy was fearful? Did she have any idea that Brad was capable of such violence? Did she have any idea that no matter how they argued, or how she quipped about "hate mode" that he was capable of not only acting out his rage to the point of murder, but then afterwards, dumping her body uncerimoneously in a barren location as though she were a piece of trash instead of a woman he once loved and the mother of his children?

Or was she not fearful at all because maybe, just maybe, he didn't do it.

 

[jmflu]

Or was she not fearful at all because maybe, just maybe, he didn't do it.

I can't answer about whether she was fearful, but I believe she was very uncomfortable and uneasy.

 

[ncsu95]

I can't answer about whether she was fearful, but I believe she was very uncomfortable and uneasy.

And I guess that is based on facts?

 

[jmflu]

And I guess that is based on facts?

Unless you don't believe eye-witness testimony, yes.

 

[Star12]

I think we are all getting to much into the semantics about control. I think they were both attempting to control each other. The question is more about abuse. Was BC abusive to NC or the kids? From what I've seen/heard. No.

Do we know at what point she was put on the allowance? I don't remember reading that anywhere. Also, it seems her father was complicit in the allowance as BC mentioned in his affidavit CC'ing GR by email whenever he gave NC her allowance.

What is your definition of abuse?

My ex said I was not abused because I didn't have broken bones, and didn't have bruises on my face.

The judge set him straight on what abuse is.

 

[jilly]

And God knows, depending on the situation, you might be miserable the entire time you are out, and even fearful, if you are in that type of situation.

I wonder if Nancy was fearful? Did she have any idea that Brad was capable of such violence? Did she have any idea that no matter how they argued, or how she quipped about "hate mode" that he was capable of not only acting out his rage to the point of murder, but then afterwards, dumping her body uncerimoneously in a barren location as though she were a piece of trash instead of a woman he once loved and the mother of his children?

I think if she thought that BC was capable of violence, she would have at least told her sister who certainly would have mentioned it in an affidavit or at the Hearing.

 

[CW]

I think this is a awesome post and I agree with you 110%...

Isn't 'control' also a state of mind? If you say I'm not being controlled, but in my rel'p I feel controlled then who's right?

If my spouse tells me to do something and I do it because I want to avoid a fight or a scene or I want to avoid consequences of not doing it is that 'control?'

Who gets to decide the meaning of control? I would think the person in the relationship gets to decide what feels controlling for themselves.

Nancy told people she felt controlled and trapped. You can argue and debate whether she was or wasn't, but in her own mind, she was. She felt it, therefore she defined what it meant to her.

 

[brandy70]

He followed her to the gas station to put gas in her vehicle. I would like to point out that this is extremely controlling and humiliating to her. How would you feel if your spouse had to follow you to the gas station? If money was an issue why was he angry about her painting for some extra cash...one word, Control.

 

[Maja]

IMHO control can only occur when the party doing the controlling behaviors (typically a very self-centered, insecure, fearful person does) has "power" over the controlled. The one the controller is trying to control has authority over it, if they so choose. Anger is a weapon of control, as is $, and affection/intimacy and several others. In this deeply saddening case, IB (I believe) outsiders only knew the "game faces" of both BC & NC and behind their brick home was a WHOLE different story. I believe BC's mother is controlling and manipulative to the point it ruined his healthy perspective/respect for women in general. This whole sad sad situation is all about control from lots of aspects....heck they allegedly took turns sleeping with the girls rather than each other...there is a scenerio of two parents "ALLOWING" themselves to be controlled by children.

 

[ncsu95]

He followed her to the gas station to put gas in her vehicle. I would like to point out that this is extremely controlling and humiliating to her. How would you feel if your spouse had to follow you to the gas station? If money was an issue why was he angry about her painting for some extra cash...one word, Control.

Where is the proof he was angry about her painting?

 

[MCDRAW]

He followed her to the gas station to put gas in her vehicle. I would like to point out that this is extremely controlling and humiliating to her. How would you feel if your spouse had to follow you to the gas station? If money was an issue why was he angry about her painting for some extra cash...one word, Control.

I always think it's nice when my spouse does that...I hate to pump gas.

 

[MCDRAW]

I think it depends on what happens after you do go out. The controller could make it so miserable for you afterwards that it wouldn't be worth it in the future to go out as much or go out at all. Control is a big word, imo.

Your right. It just doesn't appear that Nancy was staying home more. I guess I am looking at women that are controlled as the ones that are kept from family and friends, no job, no money, and no transportation. I guess I am a little confused because Nancy said she felt she was controlled and trapped; but, she didn't act like she was controlled. I'm sure she felt it because of the money issue. But on the other hand she went on trips and to parties without him. I am not making light of what she said she felt, I am truly confused.

 

[piedmont]

Your right. It just doesn't appear that Nancy was staying home more. I guess I am looking at women that are controlled as the ones that are kept from family and friends, no job, no money, and no transportation. I guess I am a little confused because Nancy said she felt she was controlled and trapped; but, she didn't act like she was controlled. I'm sure she felt it because of the money issue. But on the other hand she went on trips and to parties without him. I am not making light of what she said she felt, I am truly confused.

MCDRAW, Your pumping gas comment cracked me up! Seriously, though I totally agree with your above statement that BC controlling her access to money would have felt unbearably controlling to her. And he may have just seen it as there is no other way to control her spending. He may have tried other ways that didn't work, so he would have felt justified in going to extremes like pumping her gas. AND he may have tried everything but respect, kindness, love.

 

[justthinking2008]

When discussing control I think it is important to refer to the old adage that "perception is reality". NC felt controlled and said so, while some of us do not view BC's behavior as controlling ( I actually think he was trying to be financially responsible, before they ended up in bankruptcy), some do and NC certainly did. NC; however, did have the opportunity to move around freely and associate with family and friends, she attempted to control him by withholding sex, so both had some controlling tendencies. I think NC attempted to control her situation or the outcome of the situation by rallying the troops (her friends and family) by telling them things that would show BC in a bad light. Men control what they can when it comes to money, household chores, etc, but a man taking on an educated, articulate, charismatic woman in a war of words is like bringing a knife to a gun fight.

 

[water_dancing]

I think if she thought that BC was capable of violence, she would have at least told her sister who certainly would have mentioned it in an affidavit or at the Hearing.

ITA

I also think that if NC thought BC was capable of violence she would have been more reluctant to leave their girls with him. However the opposite appears to be true as he was alone with them when NC ran, and when NC went out in the evenings. Even on that Friday night, BC took the girls home for bed and NC stayed at a social gathering for several more hours.

Now whether that violence caught her by surprise with horribly tragic consequences or if BC didn't do it, remain to be seen.

WD

 

[Star12]

When discussing control I think it is important to refer to the old adage that "perception is reality". NC felt controlled and said so, while some of us do not view BC's behavior as controlling ( I actually think he was trying to be financially responsible, before they ended up in bankruptcy), some do and NC certainly did. NC; however, did have the opportunity to move around freely and associate with family and friends, she attempted to control him by withholding sex, so both had some controlling tendencies. I think NC attempted to control her situation or the outcome of the situation by rallying the troops (her friends and family) by telling them things that would show BC in a bad light. Men control what they can when it comes to money, household chores, etc, but a man taking on an educated, articulate, charismatic woman in a war of words is like bringing a knife to a gun fight.

People keep bringing up withholding sex as a control issue. But they were in a divorce situation. In NC, there is a 1 year waiting period between filing and finalizing the decree. Sex would restart that clock. And yes, the judge asks. Even though there was no filing, there was an emotional separation. I doubt that physical intimacy was desirable from either side as it was such a contentious relationship. Can't see it as 'withholding".

 

[justthinking2008]

In many cases one partner withholding sex is considered grounds for divorce. In order to meet the one year requirement in North Carolina, you must live in a separate residence. As long as you are under the same roof, you are not considered separated. My Aunt and Uncle tried to tell a judge they had been separated for one year, when in fact she was living upstairs and he was living downstairs, judge said no way, you are not separated. Also according to most psychologists it is not considered unusual for a husband and wife even in an awful relationship to have sex. Even if you have sex after you are separated it does not restart the clock, move back in together and the clock restarts. So in the eyes of the court a wife or husband withholding sex is considered a breach of marriage contract and controlling behavior. I mean honestly how many women have ever used sex as a bargaining chip with their husband, early in my marriage I threatened to "cut my husband off" if he did not do something I wanted him to do, he politely informed me that I could not cut him off if I did not know where he was getting it from, touché.