Who Is Terri Horman?

[kappy50]

I go back to the topic of this thread..."who is Terri Horman"....thanks Bea for starting this thread, quite interesting...you are astute to what is happening....but let's think about this..who is who in Kyron's disapperance. Honestly, knowing what we know today, with all the people at Skyline that day, how are we to know it was Terri or anybody. Honestly, as I sit here tonight, and unlees LE has positive information on Terri, how do we know...Just makes me crazy..

 

[txsvicki]

I'm still on the fence and still trying to keep an open mind toward all possibilities. I think Terri's nature is brittle enough that she could have snapped and lashed out, causing harm to Kyron unexpectedly rather than it being planned. It's not that this would seem out of character for her at all.

The problem I have with the theory though, is imagining this happening inside the school or in the parking lot. How would she conceal him, get him loaded into her truck, and drive off with him without anyone seeing a bit of it? Not the violent outburst or "accident," not moving him to the truck. I think whoever did what to Kyron, it was planned to some extent, at least in the sense of knowing where the good hiding places would be, roughly where the big groups of people would be--and which areas would be relatively vacant, and what kind of incentives or suggestions would succeed in getting Kyron himself to cooperate.

someone did report seeing Kyron outside the truck I think. Even if that is a mistake, all she would have to do was make him leave. The timeline could be a little earlier while most kida were still in the gym and in the older kids rooms with the more advanced science projects. I find it hard to believe that 1st and 2nd grades were all that big into the science project. Just because it was a huge deal in this family doesnt mean the other parents were all there & milling in 2nd grade halls instead of the gym.

 

[GrainneDhu]

I'm still on the fence and still trying to keep an open mind toward all possibilities. I think Terri's nature is brittle enough that she could have snapped and lashed out, causing harm to Kyron unexpectedly rather than it being planned. It's not that this would seem out of character for her at all.

The problem I have with the theory though, is imagining this happening inside the school or in the parking lot. How would she conceal him, get him loaded into her truck, and drive off with him without anyone seeing a bit of it? Not the violent outburst or "accident," not moving him to the truck. I think whoever did what to Kyron, it was planned to some extent, at least in the sense of knowing where the good hiding places would be, roughly where the big groups of people would be--and which areas would be relatively vacant, and what kind of incentives or suggestions would succeed in getting Kyron himself to cooperate.

BBM

I very much agree with the bolded part. It is a lot easier for me to imagine TMH as someone who struck out in a fit of wicked temper than it is to see her as someone who planned extensively for what happened,

I am still not completely convinced that TMH did it (about 90% convinced).

I have been convinced since nearly the beginning that whatever happened and whoever did it, Kyron walked on his own two feet out to the parking lot and up to the vehicle he was taken away in. I think that one or more people probably DID see him on his way out of the school that day but don't remember it because it seemed so ordinary.

One thing I have wondered is if Kyron ever had previous incidents of wetting his pants, maybe when he was too engrossed to realise he needed to go to the bathroom until it was too late. He was only seven years old and sometimes seven year olds have accidents.

If so, one scenario that seems plausible to me is that TMH had a cranky toddler on her hands and then a seven year old that needed to be hauled home to change. She walked him out to the truck and for some reason, at that point, she lost her temper and did something like shaking Kyron so that his head hit a fixed object or slapped him so that he fell headfirst against something. It was an outburst of temper, not a deliberate plan to kill him.

And there they were, right by the truck, where she panicked, knowing she'd done something really bad that could not be fixed. Because it was right by the truck, the period of time for someone to observe something out of the ordinary happening was a minute or so before she had him in the truck and hence hidden.

As for where she put his body, surely I'm not the only person to occasionally wonder things like "boy, I wonder if there could be a body in there and I'd never see it" while going through places that offer a lot of cover. Or "I hope there's a body in there and not some stupid herd of deer about to try to commit suicide with the front of my car!"

And with two major rivers in the area, the idea of putting a body in the water is not a big stretch.

To get back on topic, I think TMH is someone who is impulsive, gregarious and emotionally brittle. A combination of someone who can be (sometimes inappropriately) pushy but is also a good follower (look at how easily Houze shut her down). I see her as someone who does better in following clear instructions from others than she does when she has to make the decisions herself.

I see TMH as someone who is not just hungry for attention but has a strong need for leadership. In the absence of strong leadership, I suspect her own decisions are probably not so good.

 

[DreamyEye]

GrainneDhu, you are thinking some of the same things I've been. I think wherever the deed happened, Kyron was told to go there. Either TH saying "meet me by the truck," or a pedophile saying "meet me in Xplace and I'll show you the cool electric project" which may have turned out to be something like a storage room, boiler room.

And I'm split 90/10 too, that Terri either did it or had someone do it ... but there's that nagging doubt, that 10% possibility she wasn't involved at all, regardless of her other nefarious doings.

I was thinking about Terri last night: She must be a somewhat determined and accomplished person. She was certified to be a teacher. Now that's not a rare accomplishment; a lot of people manage it--but it's still evidence of some good qualities. The ability to work, to plan, to retain knowledge, to lead, to teach.

Then there is the body-building. I never looked up how successful she was, but have read enough to know she was taken seriously by others in that community. So she has the ability to set and meet goals, to compete, to stay on task, and to always have an eye toward doing better.

Then she attracts and marries a fairly attractive, successful man--and they swing a wedding in Hawaii. All of that points to a woman who has some brains and attractive qualities going on--and is on track to making the most of them, creating a pretty successful life for herself that a lot of people would envy. Then ... suddenly, things went haywire. She acts stupidly and does things that hurt herself as well as others.

Was it the post P? Was it the alcohol? Sometimes she seems like a sociopath to me, but wouldn't that normally be a lifelong condition, or at least show evidence of being active through adulthood?

Who is TMH? To me she's a person who just doesn't add up, no matter how I think about her.

 

[txsvicki]

Kaine did say that Terri "wasn't overly violent" which to me means that he was saying that she was somewhat or even a little bit violent during the time period he was mentioning. Most normal well balanced women aren't at all violent. If we knew more about her reported secret life, if it was more than just the sexting and how long it went on, then we might be able to theorize what someone like that might have done to Kyron. If it was even her that did anything.

 

[scandi]

Thanks! I was just trying to remember if he actually bought one (perhaps for Amber) and just said it was for Laci --- or if he never bought a thing and just mumbled the name of a gift to LE.

He knew he wouldn't need a real gift as she was gone before the sun rose up on the day of Christmas Eve, Dec 24th, 2002.

 

[Herding Cats]

Please don't throw rotten veggies at me for this, but I want to speak a bit about adoption.

I am adopted. My brother is also adopted. We have loving, giving parents, who treated us as well as could be expected. Mom was/is a tad odd, Dad was/is a tad controlling, but whatever. No parent is ever perfect. Nor is any child, adopted or bio.

I was born in early May, and was not adopted until the beginning of September. There were some health issues that had to be addressed before I could be placed. I am about the same age as TH, so I imagine the same sort of thing may have happened to her, which would account for the time delay in her placement. Maybe not, but since it happened to me, it's fairly easy to think it could've also happened to her.

A note on "wealthy" families: a lot of adopted people had, at one time, imagined that their "real" family was wealthy, that they were a princess, that the bio family was 'perfect.' I blame it on Disney, LOL. But it does happen. We, as children, are confronted with a different reality than bio children, and sometimes, when it's hard going in our world, we make up a comforting thing (like a life of luxury), and can actually imagine that our 'real' family will show up and take us to live in a castle. At that age, we don't always understand the reality of late 1960's social structure, and that a lot of unwed mothers relinquished their babies for adoption.

And so because we are children, prone to wild attacks of fantasy, this is a common 'story' we create. After all, whose to say we're not right? Eventually, we give it up...but at the time, the fantasy/magical thinking serves a purpose.

Throughout my life, I've always felt that I was "less than", "unloved", and "unwanted." While my logical, mature mind says "pshaw, not true", it took me until well into my late 20s and even into my 30s to come to terms with the truth...until I did, however, there was an awful lot of confabulation and some frankly made-up stuff. I wanted to be "good enough", "smart enough" and "wanted" enough to fit in, and so I created an interesting, adventuresome life which was not real.

Until I understood my needs and motivations, I was a mess. I had several affairs with married men, one of who's wife was also quite pregnant. That turned into a serious mess, and it caused me to really start examining my life. My motivation for it was pretty simple: if I could lure a man already committed, then surely I must be special and 'worthy'.

Of course, this was not true, and I left a lot of hurt and heartbreak in my wake. I cannot describe the duality of self-loathing and pride, but I can say it was not because I loved myself. Rather, it was because I didn't love myself, and needed someone else to love me, that I did some pretty outlandish and outrageous things.

Perfectionism also was a key, although for me it was more of a if I can't be perfect, I'll just be rotten sort of thing. I understand TH's addictions - she's looking outside herself to find herself, and never has she been able to have the courage to look inside herself, and find herself there. I see TH's body building as "if I can win, someone will love me." I see her drinking as a way to stop the feelings of "I was rejected by my mother, and no one else will ever love me." I see the sexual things as acting out, a way to say "I have value, I have worth. Please someone love me."

A lot of adopted folks wrestle with the demon of rejection every single day of our lives. If our own mother didn't love us, then who else will? My brother has not really come to terms with his adoption yet, and while I have, I still find old patterns of coping rising up during times of significant stress...but am far more able to deal with them appropriately than I was before.

Does this in any way absolve TH? No, of course not. But I keep seeing stuff about adoption and wanted to share my opinions and thoughts about why she may do things she does.

Like I said, please don't throw stones at me...or rotten tomatos. I just wanted to shine a bit of a light on some of the issues that she may have faced, like I have...and maybe explain some of her behavior.

Best-
Herding Cats

 

[nonfictionrocks]

Please don't throw rotten veggies at me for this, but I want to speak a bit about adoption.

I am adopted. My brother is also adopted. We have loving, giving parents, who treated us as well as could be expected. Mom was/is a tad odd, Dad was/is a tad controlling, but whatever. No parent is ever perfect. Nor is any child, adopted or bio.

I was born in early May, and was not adopted until the beginning of September. There were some health issues that had to be addressed before I could be placed. I am about the same age as TH, so I imagine the same sort of thing may have happened to her, which would account for the time delay in her placement. Maybe not, but since it happened to me, it's fairly easy to think it could've also happened to her.

A note on "wealthy" families: a lot of adopted people had, at one time, imagined that their "real" family was wealthy, that they were a princess, that the bio family was 'perfect.' I blame it on Disney, LOL. But it does happen. We, as children, are confronted with a different reality than bio children, and sometimes, when it's hard going in our world, we make up a comforting thing (like a life of luxury), and can actually imagine that our 'real' family will show up and take us to live in a castle. At that age, we don't always understand the reality of late 1960's social structure, and that a lot of unwed mothers relinquished their babies for adoption.

And so because we are children, prone to wild attacks of fantasy, this is a common 'story' we create. After all, whose to say we're not right? Eventually, we give it up...but at the time, the fantasy/magical thinking serves a purpose.

Throughout my life, I've always felt that I was "less than", "unloved", and "unwanted." While my logical, mature mind says "pshaw, not true", it took me until well into my late 20s and even into my 30s to come to terms with the truth...until I did, however, there was an awful lot of confabulation and some frankly made-up stuff. I wanted to be "good enough", "smart enough" and "wanted" enough to fit in, and so I created an interesting, adventuresome life which was not real.

Until I understood my needs and motivations, I was a mess. I had several affairs with married men, one of who's wife was also quite pregnant. That turned into a serious mess, and it caused me to really start examining my life. My motivation for it was pretty simple: if I could lure a man already committed, then surely I must be special and 'worthy'.

Of course, this was not true, and I left a lot of hurt and heartbreak in my wake. I cannot describe the duality of self-loathing and pride, but I can say it was not because I loved myself. Rather, it was because I didn't love myself, and needed someone else to love me, that I did some pretty outlandish and outrageous things.

Perfectionism also was a key, although for me it was more of a if I can't be perfect, I'll just be rotten sort of thing. I understand TH's addictions - she's looking outside herself to find herself, and never has she been able to have the courage to look inside herself, and find herself there. I see TH's body building as "if I can win, someone will love me." I see her drinking as a way to stop the feelings of "I was rejected by my mother, and no one else will ever love me." I see the sexual things as acting out, a way to say "I have value, I have worth. Please someone love me."

A lot of adopted folks wrestle with the demon of rejection every single day of our lives. If our own mother didn't love us, then who else will? My brother has not really come to terms with his adoption yet, and while I have, I still find old patterns of coping rising up during times of significant stress...but am far more able to deal with them appropriately than I was before.

Does this in any way absolve TH? No, of course not. But I keep seeing stuff about adoption and wanted to share my opinions and thoughts about why she may do things she does.

Like I said, please don't throw stones at me...or rotten tomatos. I just wanted to shine a bit of a light on some of the issues that she may have faced, like I have...and maybe explain some of her behavior.

Best-
Herding Cats

Oh my gosh HC, this is absolutely eloquent! Thank you for sharing.

 

[loves2bmom]

Please don't throw rotten veggies at me for this, but I want to speak a bit about adoption.

I am adopted. My brother is also adopted. We have loving, giving parents, who treated us as well as could be expected. Mom was/is a tad odd, Dad was/is a tad controlling, but whatever. No parent is ever perfect. Nor is any child, adopted or bio.

I was born in early May, and was not adopted until the beginning of September. There were some health issues that had to be addressed before I could be placed. I am about the same age as TH, so I imagine the same sort of thing may have happened to her, which would account for the time delay in her placement. Maybe not, but since it happened to me, it's fairly easy to think it could've also happened to her.

A note on "wealthy" families: a lot of adopted people had, at one time, imagined that their "real" family was wealthy, that they were a princess, that the bio family was 'perfect.' I blame it on Disney, LOL. But it does happen. We, as children, are confronted with a different reality than bio children, and sometimes, when it's hard going in our world, we make up a comforting thing (like a life of luxury), and can actually imagine that our 'real' family will show up and take us to live in a castle. At that age, we don't always understand the reality of late 1960's social structure, and that a lot of unwed mothers relinquished their babies for adoption.

And so because we are children, prone to wild attacks of fantasy, this is a common 'story' we create. After all, whose to say we're not right? Eventually, we give it up...but at the time, the fantasy/magical thinking serves a purpose.

Throughout my life, I've always felt that I was "less than", "unloved", and "unwanted." While my logical, mature mind says "pshaw, not true", it took me until well into my late 20s and even into my 30s to come to terms with the truth...until I did, however, there was an awful lot of confabulation and some frankly made-up stuff. I wanted to be "good enough", "smart enough" and "wanted" enough to fit in, and so I created an interesting, adventuresome life which was not real.

Until I understood my needs and motivations, I was a mess. I had several affairs with married men, one of who's wife was also quite pregnant. That turned into a serious mess, and it caused me to really start examining my life. My motivation for it was pretty simple: if I could lure a man already committed, then surely I must be special and 'worthy'.

Of course, this was not true, and I left a lot of hurt and heartbreak in my wake. I cannot describe the duality of self-loathing and pride, but I can say it was not because I loved myself. Rather, it was because I didn't love myself, and needed someone else to love me, that I did some pretty outlandish and outrageous things.

Perfectionism also was a key, although for me it was more of a if I can't be perfect, I'll just be rotten sort of thing. I understand TH's addictions - she's looking outside herself to find herself, and never has she been able to have the courage to look inside herself, and find herself there. I see TH's body building as "if I can win, someone will love me." I see her drinking as a way to stop the feelings of "I was rejected by my mother, and no one else will ever love me." I see the sexual things as acting out, a way to say "I have value, I have worth. Please someone love me."

A lot of adopted folks wrestle with the demon of rejection every single day of our lives. If our own mother didn't love us, then who else will? My brother has not really come to terms with his adoption yet, and while I have, I still find old patterns of coping rising up during times of significant stress...but am far more able to deal with them appropriately than I was before.

Does this in any way absolve TH? No, of course not. But I keep seeing stuff about adoption and wanted to share my opinions and thoughts about why she may do things she does.

Like I said, please don't throw stones at me...or rotten tomatos. I just wanted to shine a bit of a light on some of the issues that she may have faced, like I have...and maybe explain some of her behavior.

Best-
Herding Cats

{{{Herding Cats}}} As an adoptive Mom, it pains me some to read your post. I'm always hoping that my child won't feel unloved or unwanted ever in her life. I know lots of adoptees that feel the same as you however. I know it's a process and it's not the same for every adoptee. I feel priviledged to be able to raise her and hope she is happy and secure. No tomatos, just hugs!!

 

[miabellamoure]

{{{Herding Cats}}} As an adoptive Mom, it pains me some to read your post. I'm always hoping that my child won't feel unloved or unwanted ever in her life. I know lots of adoptees that feel the same as you however. I know it's a process and it's not the same for every adoptee. I feel priviledged to be able to raise her and hope she is happy and secure. No tomatos, just hugs!!

Sorry for being OT (somewhat) but, I had to tell you {{loves2bmom}} that as an adult adoptee, that if my parents had been open as you seem to be...my "process" might have been smoother.

In the end, it took my parents to appreciate my process as well as myself appreciating theirs....and somewhere along the way we met on common ground.

 

[Herding Cats]

Thanks for not throwing tomatoes (tomatos? Darned Quayle...).

Loves2bmom, your daughter has her own journey, and it may or may not be similar to mine. My best advice is to keep doing exactly what you're doing - loving her, loving her, loving her.

Thanks for all the hugs, guys. I just wanted to bring a different perspective on TH's behavior and how it could be seen, from one who has been there, done that.

Best-
Herding Cats

 

[ThoughtFox]

Herding Cats: Thanks for giving us some honest insights. Well-said.

But in my life, I've heard enough people and kids complaining about their parents to realize that many people who weren't adopted feel nearly as confused. Kids in big families feel overlooked. Kids from small families feel lonely or misunderstood. Kids from broken homes often feel betrayed. Some biological parents are just cold fish or manipulative. Some mothers and fathers neglect or abuse their own children mentally or physically.

So while I know you aren't making excuses for Terri, all I can say is that most of the human race finds some faults with their own families or parents, so it really can't explain everything going on with TH. JMOO

 

[Herding Cats]

Thoughtfox, I can't explain it, except to say it goes to a different level in adopted folks sometimes (and I'm not speaking for all adopteds, not at all).

Let me try to give you a different example. When you were little, you were told you had Aunt Betty's nose, you had Mom's eyes, you had Dad's ears. You could see the resemblance, by staring at photos of Aunt Betty and then the mirror.

I looked around, and saw no one like me. I had no-one's nose, ears, or eyes. There was a "disjointed" thing which happened, and it is nearly unnoticable - but is a fundamental part of family.

See, if you have Aunt Betty's ears, then you *know* you belong in that family. You have a foundation (however rocky, shaky, disfunctional though it may be). You knew you belonged.

I never knew that.

You know how you feel when you go to a party, knowing no-one, and feel ever so uncomfortable? Now, imagine that every day of your life, in "your" house, in "your" room.

Have you ever wanted to "go home"? Find that secure spot, and just hide from the world for a while? Whatever the reason for the need to "go home", you had a home to go to. Some adopteds (like me) never found our home. I lived in a house full of loving people, but still wanted to 'go home.' To this day, I don't know where that was...I lived in fear that I wouldn't be good enough to keep; good enough to stay here. And if I wasn't good enough to stay here, where would I go?

A four year old having these thoughts...I remember them. No, not in the adult articulation you see here, but that uncomfortable feeling of "I don't belong, I want to go home, where is home?"

Does this happen to bio kids? Of course. You and I know, just reading these boards regularly, that bio parents do vile, horrible things to their child. They kill them, throw them out. You and I know that there are people searching for belonging, just like adopteds are. There is promescuity, drug use, horrible behavior all over. It's not the sole perview of adopteds, not at all. But I find it's more common in adopteds, and it goes deeper sometimes, than in bios.

I suppose all I'm trying to say is that the torque-ing of stability for an adopted person is a bit stronger than it is for a bio child. As I said, as me now, I don't have too much difficulty sorting out my fantasy world v. my reality. But as a child, and even through my early 30s, I fought every day to find love, stability, and acceptance.

It didn't come to me until I was able to find that in myself...and the behaviors changed, the perspectives shifted, and my life got clearer. For someone like TH, who hasn't done the work (and may not ever) to be able to look inside, behaviors continue without abatement.

Again, I'm not making excuses for anyone, least of all myself, and definitely not TH. I am just trying to communicate a different view on her behavior, and show that I see it differently than, perhaps, someone who hasn't been in those shoes sees it. Neither is right or wrong; rather, it's just one more bit to factor in when considering things.

Best-
Herding Cats

 

[Schmerty_Jones]

For TMH with the red squirrel hair & the flaring temper to go with it,not having the ability to say "well my hair is like "Aunt Phoebe" and "my fierce opinions are just like Gpa Joe!"
There is obvious confusion & resentment resulting into her many marriages,infidelity, & inserting her self or her child into other marriages. There seems to be the feeling of needing to know how others (not adopted) really live or think or love. I think that's why her marriages & friendships don't work & she lashes out at the weaker components of the family.
I feel she is very destructive & I think her relationship with Kaine = Kyron =Jx =baby K are very confused & very volatile. Whether she planned Kyron's loss or whether it was swift violence , she is the perpetrator . I don't think he will be returned to his loving parents alive. I pray fervently ever night that the worst has not occurred,but I don't think this ends with anything good.:banghead::furious:MOO.

 

[Dee10]

Herding Cats thank you for sharing your story (great insight); as we try to figure out Terri, who seemingly was living (or portraying/trying) the American dream.

Thoughtfox made a good point about issues and I would like to add in many families oldest, middle, youngest will complain or have some issue with their lot, etc. attend any family dinner as a mouse under the table and read between the lines so to speak lol. In no way am I trying to minimize how you feel and thank you for sharing...just that many or dare I say... most families, at least some siblings have felt unloved, taken for granted, ignored, etc. at least I can think of many families. Although I grew up in the "perfect" family, we needle each other and have issues (go figure), but we are very different people as we age.

Statistics will show most of the people in jail had horrible lives...but should we not lock them up? I am not sure, but I think it is a fact most child molesters were abuse themselves, see what I mean? And I understand you are not suggesting TH be let off...just discussing why she may have problems. Zahar's parents, Casey, Misty...Baby Gabriel's mother, the list goes on and on and on...seems there are psychiatric disorders perhaps playing out that are there for whatever reason, but if any of these people are guilty they need to be off the streets. Personally I have no problem that TH has an alcohol problem, blah, blah, blah...many people have some kind of disorder...OCD, overeating, etc. and they "can" be a functional parent. My problem is her sense of entitlement as I see it, moving the books out in the rain, stories like that that paint a picture that it is all about TH and oh yeah...the MH hasn't been dispelled yet it just all adds up...that this person possibly has "major" issues that I can't make light of no matter what her circumstances were in the past. She is educated and knows right from wrong.

I apologize I was trying to catch up, enjoying the posts I read, but not sure what thread we are on...so I am sorry if I was OT.

 

[GrainneDhu]

Kaine did say that Terri "wasn't overly violent" which to me means that he was saying that she was somewhat or even a little bit violent during the time period he was mentioning. Most normal well balanced women aren't at all violent. If we knew more about her reported secret life, if it was more than just the sexting and how long it went on, then we might be able to theorize what someone like that might have done to Kyron. If it was even her that did anything.

My hearing is not the best (I'm unilaterally deaf), so I often don't pick up on things other people hear with ease.

When I listened to that interview, I remember feeling puzzled as to whether KH said she wasn't "overly violent" or whether he said she wasn't "overtly violent."

I wish the reporter had asked some followup question because, as you note, there's a world of difference between the two phrases.

 

[GrainneDhu]

Until I understood my needs and motivations, I was a mess. I had several affairs with married men, one of who's wife was also quite pregnant. That turned into a serious mess, and it caused me to really start examining my life. My motivation for it was pretty simple: if I could lure a man already committed, then surely I must be special and 'worthy'.

Of course, this was not true, and I left a lot of hurt and heartbreak in my wake. I cannot describe the duality of self-loathing and pride, but I can say it was not because I loved myself. Rather, it was because I didn't love myself, and needed someone else to love me, that I did some pretty outlandish and outrageous things.

SBM

Herding Cats, I'm sorry you went through all that painful inner turmoil.

I've wondered if something like the above is what was behind TMH's sexting escapades with MC. She'd just been left, her baby was gone, the investigation was increasingly focusing on her and stress has an insidious way of bringing out old patterns of behaviour.

When I read the texts that were released, I didn't see them as all that sexy. They seemed more desperate to me, kind of pathetic. They seemed like they were written by someone who only knew one way of feeling value for herself: through the erotic attraction of a man.

MC seemed to be alternately participating and pulling away, which is exactly the sort of behaviour that keeps someone insecure trying and trying.

It all seemed pretty sad to me.

 

[ThoughtFox]

Herding Cats: I almost understand exactly how you feel, except that I'm not adopted!

My feet were two sizes larger than my mother and my sister, who had tiny feet. I always felt like the ugly duckling. It wasn't until I had my daughter that I had a close relative who looked just like me. I am also the only one in my family with a round face. If I didn't have my mother's hair and teeth identical to one of my brothers (we only have three wisdom teeth), I would have thought that I was adopted, too. My youngest son looks just like my Dad, so I guess I'm legitimate, LOL.

My younger sister actually fantasized that she was adopted. She still wishes she was an only child I'm sure.

My husband and his siblings all wish they were adopted this time of year so they wouldn't have to be related to their insane father. So I guess it depends on your point of view.

But I do understand how you feel, to an extent.

I wish we knew more about Terri's childhood and her life before Kyron. We know that her own biological son hasn't had a stable childhood, but beyond that, we know nothing about her background really.

 

[Herding Cats]

SBM

Herding Cats, I'm sorry you went through all that painful inner turmoil.

I've wondered if something like the above is what was behind TMH's sexting escapades with MC. She'd just been left, her baby was gone, the investigation was increasingly focusing on her and stress has an insidious way of bringing out old patterns of behaviour.

When I read the texts that were released, I didn't see them as all that sexy. They seemed more desperate to me, kind of pathetic. They seemed like they were written by someone who only knew one way of feeling value for herself: through the erotic attraction of a man.

MC seemed to be alternately participating and pulling away, which is exactly the sort of behaviour that keeps someone insecure trying and trying.

It all seemed pretty sad to me.

I'm sorry I went through the turmoil - not because it was hard, but because I hurt so many other people in the process. But I like who I am now, and feel that my journey has been a successful one (for the most part), and who I am now is based on who I was and what I've experienced, if that makes sense.

I, too, agree that the texts weren't "bad", but actually sad. I also remember being told that I was calling others "prudish" because I said this is not unusual, and is not really all that bad...and that I've seen/read much worse. LOL.

I also agree that the reaching out for sex was a way she had that had previously worked (dysfunctional though it may be) to make her feel loved, to relieve stress, to find a harbor in a storm. I don't know if that's true, but it bears some consideration. Old patterns of coping die very, very hard, so I don't discount it whatsoever.

Thoughtfox, funny story about your feet, and your sister wishing she was an only. LOL. It is very similar to what I and other adopteds experience. I think the difference may be in the depth of the feelings, and the behaviors which stem from those feelings, and the length of time those feelings last. I'm not saying you don't have them; I'm trying to explain the difference. You felt what you felt (and most people feel that way), but you didn't change the way you dealt with the world because your feet were larger than your mom's.

Does that make sense? I am not saying that bio's don't feel what we feel; but there is a balance which is created with parents being able to say "well, your brother only had 3 wisdom teeth, too...it's a family thing." There is a reassurance there, even if it's reassurance that you're weird (lol...). I was unable to be reassured, because there was no comparison to be made. We didn't know. I never heard 'it's a family thing', or 'it runs in the family'.

Dee, thanks for understanding that I am not giving TH a pass. I'm just trying to show why I think some of her behaviors are not necessarily as 'telling' as others may think, and if she weren't adopted, I would probably think the same thing...her behavior, at first glance and with no background in the adopted's coping processes, is deplorable. But once seen from a slightly different perspective, perhaps it's not as it seems on first glance...and maybe it is exactly what it appears to be. But from where I sit, I see things a bit differently.

Best-
Herding Cats

 

[GrainneDhu]

I'm sorry I went through the turmoil - not because it was hard, but because I hurt so many other people in the process. But I like who I am now, and feel that my journey has been a successful one (for the most part), and who I am now is based on who I was and what I've experienced, if that makes sense.

I, too, agree that the texts weren't "bad", but actually sad. I also remember being told that I was calling others "prudish" because I said this is not unusual, and is not really all that bad...and that I've seen/read much worse. LOL.

I also agree that the reaching out for sex was a way she had that had previously worked (dysfunctional though it may be) to make her feel loved, to relieve stress, to find a harbor in a storm. I don't know if that's true, but it bears some consideration. Old patterns of coping die very, very hard, so I don't discount it whatsoever.

SBM & BBM

My husband and I met online in 1994. We had to do 99% of our courting online because we lived 2200 miles apart. We were in our late 30s and we were in love.

I've written things that were a LOT more explicit than those sexts of TMH. Of course, I didn't have the 140 character limit due to texting, we were on online real time chat. Plus webcams or sending pictures via email were years off--we were using 7200 baud modems.

The release of those texts made me feel sorry for TMH. I'm not ashamed of how I met my husband or our activities online before we could move in together but they were private, not something I'd want to share with the world.