I agree with this and think that's why the injuries with the long knife didn't go all the way in. I can't even imagine the horror of having to kill someone to save myself in such a way.
The supposition that someone wanted her dead would lead you to think the long knife would have been plunged into the body. Not so much if you were doing something you had to do.
I recently had to give my DH shots after he had surgery. It nearly made me sick having to do it and I was very hesitant.
Yes, it could not have been an "easy" thing. All of this, I'm sure, has had great psychological effects on them.
If it were me, I would want to forget about the whole thing, I mean, in the sense that I would not want to keep facing it and facing it over and over again and having to re-live everything.
But again, they are still desperate, although now it is a different kind of desperation. Because their trial is still on-going.
And, over the years, I believe they have both found ways of coping with it. For example, Amanda it seems has convinced herself that becaues there was no evidence of her found in the murder room, that means she can technically assert that she wasn't in the murder room, and so therefore she can technically assert that she didn't "participate" in the murder. When you repeat that over and over and over again in your mind, I feel like eventually one would think it's "okay" to be viewed as innocent, because in her mind, there is nothing there to prove she's guilty,
in her mind.
Also, think about if this all started because of an accident, and then think about everyone is calling you cruel and evil and those kinds of things, and asserting that you did all of this out of malice and out of something wrong in your general character. Then I find it quite easy to believe how she would start to view herself as a "victim." Because she didn't really mean any harm to Meredith, it was something that happened and her subsequent actions were out of desperation. Perhaps she has convinced herself that Meredith would have died anyway, that there was no chance she could have been saved. And so maybe she thinks, is it better than 1 person's life is ruined, or 3 people's lives are ruined?
If you think about it, she cannot really show remorse for what she's done, in a genuine way. Because that would be admitting that she actually did something. So she has to put on a front for people. If you have to constantly put on a front for people, it would be a lot easier if you actually believe what you are saying. So I think she has, in some way, "convinced" herself that she is a victim in all of this.