Found Deceased AZ - Nicodemus 'Nic' Kyllingstad, 16, Anthem, 29 Nov 2015

[Rayemonde]

:cry:

 

[JanetElaine]

This makes me sick to my stomach. I am way way older than Nic, but he looks exactly like my group of friends in high school so for some reason when I saw the missing person's alert I was drawn to it. I was so hoping he would be okay. This is so incredibly sad. My thoughts and prayers go out for Nic's family and friends and all who loved him.

 

[Dream'r]

This has hit me hard on a personal level. I don't know Nickodemus or his family, but live somewhat in the area. When I first saw the missing poster for him, my heart dropped to a level deeper than it does in other missing cases. Perhaps because something in his face reminds me of my son a few years ago. And the night that my son ran away and tried to commit suicide. The memory of the pain, fear, and helplessness I felt that night will never be erased from my memory. So I just wanted to tell the family and friends if they ever see this, that I'm praying for them and that I, a stranger, hurt for them also. May they find some peace

 

[CosmicLatte]

I don't know what to say. I turned on my phone after work and found that someone I knew was gone. I'm home now and I still don't know what to say, or feel.

:rose:

 

[Lilibet]

I just heard about Nic and I'm so sorry. He looked like a terrific kid. I have friends in Anthem with a son about Nic's age. I'm sure this is a huge shock to everyone at school and in the whole community. My heart goes out to his family, friends and to those here on the thread who knew him. Huge hugs.

 

[Dream'r]

I don't know what to say. I turned on my phone after work and found that someone I knew was gone. I'm home now and I still don't know what to say, or feel.

:rose:

My sincere condolences and prayers

 

[terracotta]

I don't know what to say. I turned on my phone after work and found that someone I knew was gone. I'm home now and I still don't know what to say, or feel.

:rose:

So very sorry for your loss CosmicLatte.

 

[CosmicLatte]

After tears yesterday and this morning, and some heartfelt conversations (in person, SM, phone, and PM), I think I've identified my emotions as a sort of combination of grief and anger. I'm not angry with Nic, obviously - you hear that one of the steps of grief is anger at the person, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I'm angry with the stigma surrounding mental health, that "going crazy" is a joke, that "depressed" is a word people use when Chipotle is closed, that "go kill yourself" is an offhanded dismissal, that "panic attack" is what happens when you can't find the right lip gloss and it's prom night, that "psychotic" is how kids describe their parents when they're unjustly grounded, that "being OCD" is something cute that makes you color-coordinate your closet, that "going to therapy" is met with concerned faces and whispered inquiries as to what happened, since clearly that's not normal and obviously something terrible must have happened.

I'm angry that "I'm going crazy" is met with "Haha, you've always been crazy."
I'm angry that "I'm depressed" is met with "Aw, cheer up. Here's a puppy and some ice cream. You have friends, you can't be that sad."
I'm angry that people tell others to go away by saying "go kill yourself", and say they failed a math test by miming a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
I'm angry that nobody knows what a "panic attack" really looks like, or how to help someone having one.
I'm angry that "I feel psychotic" is met with "Don't murder me with an axe, haha!"
I'm angry that "I can't stop myself from touching every doorknob three times or something bad will happen" is weird, and quirky, and that it's a fun game to see how long you can prevent your buddy from touching the doorknob.
And I'm really, really angry that "I think I need to see a therapist" is met with "Oh, honey, why don't you just talk about it with us? We're your parents/friends/siblings/teachers. You don't really need therapy."
And then - driving quietly to appointments, not telling your friends or coaches why you're not available on Thursday afternoons because when you say "I had an appointment with my therapist" you can see the changes in their faces, that they're put off and sometimes almost scared, and ask "Why do you need therapy? What happened? Did someone in your family die?" and other questions that just serve to hammer home the point that you're not normal and you're broken and you can't tell anyone or you'll lose the few lifelines you trust.

I want "I'm going crazy" to be met with "What makes you think so? I'm listening."
I want "I'm depressed" to be met with "Thank you for trusting me enough to say so. What do you need? I'm listening."
I want "kill yourself" and joking representations of suicide gone, especially amongst elementary and high school students.
I want the general public to be as aware of what a panic attack looks like and the appropriate responses as they are of what a heart attack, choking, allergic reaction, and stroke look like.
I want "I feel psychotic" to be met with "Please help me understand your feelings. I'm listening."
I want "I'm OCD" to be phased out of its common usage, and the public educated so that compulsions are understood as involuntary.
And I demand that "I think I need to see a therapist" is met with "Okay, we can schedule an appointment" the same way "I think I need to see a doctor" is.

Humans are social creatures. When something is belittled, ridiculed, mocked, stigmatized, feared, and distrusted by the entire community, how is someone supposed to open up about their experiences with that thing? It just gets bottled up inside, and tragedy ensues. We weren't meant to be alone with our thoughts like that. I have a history of struggles with mental health, and I know I'm lucky in that I had a friend who was both very observant and very proactive in his assistance. The two friends of mine who have committed suicide in the past few years weren't so lucky.

Everyone always says, "We had no idea they were depressed. They never said anything."

But they did. Maybe not so directly, or maybe in those exact words. But those words have been diluted by the way we use them in everyday speech and we don't listen to them anymore. And that's all I ask. Please listen. And don't just listen, but listen. Actively. Let someone know you're there and you care.

I guess the last thing I want to say is that I think I'm going to be making more of an effort to sleuth missing teens from now on, especially those considered dangerous to themselves. I don't know how, but I'm going to see what I can do. They feel alone already. I won't let them be forgotten.

~Cosmic

 

[MamaJoJo]

((((CosmicLatte))))

 

[Lilibet]

Brilliant, heartfelt, informed post dear Cosmic Latte. I'm going to nominate it for post of the day. HUGE HUGS dear one.

 

[Timekeeper65]

Brilliant, heartfelt, informed post dear Cosmic Latte. I'm going to nominate it for post of the day. HUGE HUGS dear one.

My thoughts exactly. Heartfelt and very meaningful post CosmicLatte.

I keep typing a comment and then deleting. Don't know what to say other than I am so very sorry for your struggles and your loss.

 

[CosmicLatte]

you guys making me cry again

Thank you guys so much for the kind words and the hugs and the feels, it makes my heart glad to know there are people who understand these things that need to change and are also amazing

 

[dwfnurse]

Cosmic...most perfect post ever. At first I was thinking that your post should be sent to every health care professional, but it really should be copy and pasted everywhere and to everyone. Thank you and big hugs for caring like you do.

 

[Lilibet]

you guys making me cry again

Thank you guys so much for the kind words and the hugs and the feels, it makes my heart glad to know there are people who understand these things that need to change and are also amazing

BBM

Even though there has been a notable amount of mental illness and suicide in my family, going back several generations, and I too struggle with depression, I have to say that I have learned to understand much about these issues from following cases on WS. Johnathan Croom. Samuel Hoyt. Leanne Bearden. Grace Sabots. Jennifer Huston. Dr. Teleka Patrick. Each one was a much-loved human being who privately struggled to the point of dying. Although I didn't know any of these dear people, their deaths hit me hard. Now when someone is missing, suicide is my first thought. Attitudes do need to change, as does the easy availability of mental health care without stigma.

I'm so sorry you've suffered this tragic loss of Nic, CosmicLatte. But I can see that in your loss there is determination to make a difference, and you can make a big difference on WS because of your experience.

More hugs!

:grouphug:

 

[JanetElaine]

:heartbeat: CosmicLatte :grouphug:

 

[SassyMsCupcake]

Just.....WOW!!! I needed this. I needed this TODAY! I happened to click the link in your footer from another thread and I truly believe that I was supposed to stumble upon this:blowkiss::takeabow:! I wish I could hug your neck for composing this amazing post! Bless you!!!

After tears yesterday and this morning, and some heartfelt conversations (in person, SM, phone, and PM), I think I've identified my emotions as a sort of combination of grief and anger. I'm not angry with Nic, obviously - you hear that one of the steps of grief is anger at the person, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I'm angry with the stigma surrounding mental health, that "going crazy" is a joke, that "depressed" is a word people use when Chipotle is closed, that "go kill yourself" is an offhanded dismissal, that "panic attack" is what happens when you can't find the right lip gloss and it's prom night, that "psychotic" is how kids describe their parents when they're unjustly grounded, that "being OCD" is something cute that makes you color-coordinate your closet, that "going to therapy" is met with concerned faces and whispered inquiries as to what happened, since clearly that's not normal and obviously something terrible must have happened.

I'm angry that "I'm going crazy" is met with "Haha, you've always been crazy."
I'm angry that "I'm depressed" is met with "Aw, cheer up. Here's a puppy and some ice cream. You have friends, you can't be that sad."
I'm angry that people tell others to go away by saying "go kill yourself", and say they failed a math test by miming a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
I'm angry that nobody knows what a "panic attack" really looks like, or how to help someone having one.
I'm angry that "I feel psychotic" is met with "Don't murder me with an axe, haha!"
I'm angry that "I can't stop myself from touching every doorknob three times or something bad will happen" is weird, and quirky, and that it's a fun game to see how long you can prevent your buddy from touching the doorknob.
And I'm really, really angry that "I think I need to see a therapist" is met with "Oh, honey, why don't you just talk about it with us? We're your parents/friends/siblings/teachers. You don't really need therapy."
And then - driving quietly to appointments, not telling your friends or coaches why you're not available on Thursday afternoons because when you say "I had an appointment with my therapist" you can see the changes in their faces, that they're put off and sometimes almost scared, and ask "Why do you need therapy? What happened? Did someone in your family die?" and other questions that just serve to hammer home the point that you're not normal and you're broken and you can't tell anyone or you'll lose the few lifelines you trust.

I want "I'm going crazy" to be met with "What makes you think so? I'm listening."
I want "I'm depressed" to be met with "Thank you for trusting me enough to say so. What do you need? I'm listening."
I want "kill yourself" and joking representations of suicide gone, especially amongst elementary and high school students.
I want the general public to be as aware of what a panic attack looks like and the appropriate responses as they are of what a heart attack, choking, allergic reaction, and stroke look like.
I want "I feel psychotic" to be met with "Please help me understand your feelings. I'm listening."
I want "I'm OCD" to be phased out of its common usage, and the public educated so that compulsions are understood as involuntary.
And I demand that "I think I need to see a therapist" is met with "Okay, we can schedule an appointment" the same way "I think I need to see a doctor" is.

Humans are social creatures. When something is belittled, ridiculed, mocked, stigmatized, feared, and distrusted by the entire community, how is someone supposed to open up about their experiences with that thing? It just gets bottled up inside, and tragedy ensues. We weren't meant to be alone with our thoughts like that. I have a history of struggles with mental health, and I know I'm lucky in that I had a friend who was both very observant and very proactive in his assistance. The two friends of mine who have committed suicide in the past few years weren't so lucky.

Everyone always says, "We had no idea they were depressed. They never said anything."

But they did. Maybe not so directly, or maybe in those exact words. But those words have been diluted by the way we use them in everyday speech and we don't listen to them anymore. And that's all I ask. Please listen. And don't just listen, but listen. Actively. Let someone know you're there and you care.

I guess the last thing I want to say is that I think I'm going to be making more of an effort to sleuth missing teens from now on, especially those considered dangerous to themselves. I don't know how, but I'm going to see what I can do. They feel alone already. I won't let them be forgotten.

~Cosmic