The POINT I was making is that parents have sometimes said and did things we take amiss, 'cause we are without understanding of where they come from. All of my kids, which I raised, have survived even though I said some "not so nice stuff" to them and others. Many mothers spoke the same way, but that didn't mean we would murder our children or not lay our lives down for them. I think most mothers have said many things that would be taken wrongly, without understanding, on this board. Maybe the nay sayers, without a bunch of kids, simply don't understand the day-to-day frustrations a lot of us go through. It's real easy to be "perfect" parent, like my mother who bailed out real early, than it is to slog through the day to day laundry, meals, school programs, fights, dirt, homework, etc., that real life throws at you. It's so easy to "say and tell" what should be done, when you ain't in them shoes. I've raised 6 kids and I've said a lot of "stuff" that wouldn't look good in a murder case, but mine are all alive and doing well.
I am reminded of something a friend of mine went through several years ago. Her mother died when my friend was in her middle forties and several years later, her father decided to go into an assisted living facility. He had boxes and boxes of junk, the normal sort of stuff that families accumulate when they've lived in one place for years and he told her to take anything she wanted.
She went through the boxes and picked several that had papers and other things related to her mother. When she got them home, she discovered that her mother's diaries were included.
Her memory of her mother was of someone who was supportive, loving, gentle, patient, kind, etc. She thought she'd had a wonderful childhood and that they had a great relationship when she was an adult.
After she read her mother's diaries, she had to go into therapy (no joking). The mother she remembered as being kind, patient, etc? Wasn't that way at all in her diaries. Those diaries were full of belittling comments about my friend, full of anger, full of hurtful comments about my friend's abilities, appearance, etc.
They were devastating to read.
How my friend finally came to terms with this newly discovered part of her mother was to realise that, first, her mother had clearly never intended anyone else read her diaries. My friend didn't know she kept a diary and neither did my friend's father.
After my friend had spent some time in therapy, she re-read the diaries as part of the therapy. The second time through, she noticed that she was not the only person who got the poison pen treatment from her mother; her mother made comments about her father, relatives, friends, etc. Acid, hateful, biting comments.
What my friend finally figured out was that her mother was not Saint Mom. Her mother had moments of anger, frustration, fear, bitterness, etc, just as other human beings do. Rather than air those feelings to her loved ones, she wrote them in her diaries.
That she wrote such things does not replace all the wonderful things she did as a mother, spouse and friend. She was still the same loving, patient, gentle, supportive person my friend remembered. It's just that she had other feelings as well and she had found what she considered a safe way to relieve those feelings.
Ultimately, my friend realised that those diaries are actually evidence of how much her mother loved her. Her mother loved her so much that she found a way to protect her child from her own darker side.
My friend also says "if you come into possession of a loved one's secret diaries, burn them unread and save thousands of dollars in therapy!" She can laugh about it now, which seems to me to be proof that her therapy was well worth it.
