I don't know if I have ever mentioned this here but for the past 7 years I have been actively searching for an uncle who was placed in a children's home when he was 4 or 5. He was 5 when the actual adoption took place. Two months ago I was able to locate him. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2003 from cancer. I wanted to share a few things that I learned about my uncle Stanley or rather John -as he was called for most of his life, from his wife.
1. I was surprised to learn that didn't recall very much from his childhood before his adoption. This included his birth name. His lovely wife Linda shared that she feels that this was due to the psychological trauma of being "given up" along with the fact that his new parents had no desire, reason or incentive to keep those memories alive. I think that is an important thing to understand about early memories ... are they really our memories or are they "stories" we've heard told to us time and again for as long as we can remember? Even if we do have genuine memories, what happens to those memories if they are not reinforced or worse ... if they are negatively reinforced?
2. He was told that his parents had died young. He was told that he had 7 siblings but that he was the only one placed for adoption. Both of these things were for the most part false and when you think about it, actually contradicted each other a bit. He did have a large family, including 8 siblings. Both parents were very much living. My grandmother, we believe, knew all along who adopted Stanley, however took that information to her grave. She only ever said that she made a promise and in exchange knew that he was well cared for. I know that she felt lifelong guilt. I understand that she made the decisions she did because after having 9 children in 14 years and then raising all of them alone, she was extremely overwhelmed.
I believe that the history given to Stanley/John was carefully crafted and effectively measured. What could you tell a child to be certain he would not want to look for his birth family. His mother was almost cruel in the way she made John feel that he was unwanted by not only his parents but also his siblings. I think that they first told him that his parents had passed away because that would be the most efficient way to quell any curiosity from a child and also relieve them from feeling that it was somehow their fault. I suspect that later, as John matured, he may have begun to ask about his siblings and at that time it became necessary to generate resentment toward them as well.
So, I when I apply this to Anna, I wonder what she actually remembers of her time before her abduction/adoption. I wonder what she was told -so that she would never look ... not for her Mom ... not even for her brothers.
I just have one more thing to share. Stanley/John died from a type of cancer that only develops as a result of a rare hereditary disorder of the blood vessels. When he was diagnosed, Linda said he was given a pamphlet with information from the foundation of which I am a member and serve as a support liaison. Given where he lived, I would have been his regional POC if he had contacted us. I don't know if I would have made the connection ... but it just goes to show what a small world this really is!
