A LONG READ: MOSTLY RELATING TO/CONTEXT FOR THAT FIRST “BREAKUP” ON JUNE 29, 2007.
SELECTED
JOURNAL ENTRIES (from V3), JUNE 20-AUGUST 2, 2007, WITH A DECEMBER 2007 EPILOGUE OF SORTS.
Warning: keep your barf bag handy. Seriously.
----------
June 20, 2007
We went to the Sacred Grove. Travis told me he didn’t want to be affectionate there, because he thought it was inappropriate. He’s “completely entitled to feel that way, but I think it is very telling.”
I responded by telling him –“-not that I’m expecting a proposal, but this is the number one place where Mormons get engaged, so I would hardly call it a place where there shouldn’t be any affection.” He accused me of being mad, but I really wasn’t. “In truth, I was only trying to make the point that it was only his philosophy that made him think that way.”
“I didn’t press the point though because I didn’t think I could accomplish anything by doing so,” and it would have just caused unnecessary strain and tension between us. “All in all, it was very considerate of him to tell me it in a mature manner, with kindness in explaining it to me.”
--The Grove was so enchanting , “so I completely disagree about the engagement thing, and think it is a romantic and sacred spot, and a perfect place for a couple to embark upon a journey of eternity together. “
---------------
June (?-between 20-28th), 2007.
writes down this quote from Prophet Joseph Smith:
“It is impossible to hide a bad spirit from the eyes of those who are faithful. It will show itself in our eyes, our speech, and in our other conduct. It is also in vain to make great pretensions when the heart is not right. The Lord will expose it to his faithful saints.”
Then she writes this:
“With this quote I am reminded of Travis. I say this because I’ve had a difficult time trusting him lately. My intuition has been off the charts. Its never been wrong about this kind of thing, and it’s a feeling that’s all too familiar, and its always proven to be true. But he swears of his honesty, and truthfully, I want nothing more than to continue to believe in him and trust him. Therefore, I will have faith that his word is gold. My philosophy is this: what he says, is. And that’s all.
"But about the quote-if he is lying and being deceitful, he will be exposed. And I trust him. That’s the bottom line. He is wonderful and special. He is rare, awesome, and incredible.”
---------------
They broke up (from whatever was their relationship on June 29, 2007, after she invaded his privacy by snooping his texts. After she killed Travis she first said the breakup was mutual- -that each had violated the other’s trust--, then later, that she had broken it off with him over the phone because she couldn’t trust him, and that he had begged her not to leave him, promised to be better, and had proposed to her during that break-up call.
-------------------------
July 1, 2007. I’m driving to Monterey to go to church.
-------
July 3, 2007. When I got to work I had the strong urge to call Travis and begin apologizing all over again. But when he answered (I called) he was sweet and wonderful and cheered me up a bit, so I decided it would be best not to go into all that again before my shift. I was just happy to hear his warm voice speaking to me so nicely on the other end. (…) I wish I could tell him that I love him.
----------
July 7, 2007
I’m in church right now, and the hymn is so poignant for me-“where can I turn for peace?”
(She quotes lines from the hymn, then responds to them).
“When with a wounded heart, anger, malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?”
“My heart is certainly deeply wounded. I brought so much of this pain down on myself because of my own fears and insecurities. Not only did I react with an utter lack of common sense, logic, or rational thinking, I unwittingly acted with malice, hurting someone I love and care for more deeply than can be expressed by pen and paper.”
“Where when my aching grows where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?”
“My aching was bad before, but then I discovered some painful things. I let it mess with me far too much, because I didn’t have the courage to ask, to confront him. So, my aching grew, my questions resounded over and over in my mind, my heart ached increasingly, my sleep and appetite decreased.
But because I was not honest about the dishonest things I had done my heart now aches even more, I languish more. And of course, I know where to turn, to my Heavenly Father."
----------
Later on June 7. I went to the beach to watch the sun set, and on the path back “once again a full-blown realization of the sins I had committed weighed so heavily on me."
“The act of lying is so counterproductive, it goes against the very nature of creation itself, because creation is the word of God, who speaks the truth. “ So, every time we lie we edge out God a little more, we widen the gap and lower the vibration and separate ourselves a little more from the Holy Ghost.
“With that realization I fell to my knees in the dirt and repented yet again, deeply, sorely, sincerely. CONTRITION. “
(Then I felt the presence of Jesus Christ). “ The purity of this presence created a sharp contrast to the impurity of how I had been. CONTRITION. I realize now that I see so clearly just how unclearly I was thinking. It feels like I may never repent enough for this.”
----
THE VERY NEXT DAY, June 8, 2008.
(The Bishop’s son walked me to my car then asked me if I was seeing anyone). “ I said yes. I did not like to lie, I truly didn’t, but the only alternative was to tell him the entire drama that had recently unfolded in my life, and I’m not about to share that with anymore strangers. One was enough, and it caused me enough heartache because I was stupid enough to believe he could offer me what I wanted.” (note: a stranger, eh? wonder who that was).
“Desperation makes people do stupid things. ‘Fear of loss will lead people to the dark side. ‘ Had I not been sneaky from the beginning about looking into Travis’s phones I would not have known. Ignorance really is bliss. “
-----+
(Same day?) “The other day I was reading, and this passage jumped out at me…’and he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive to his voice, even as many would not hearken to my voice.’ It seemed to speak directly to me. “
Something catapults me to a more inspirational state. I want to get out of Big Sur RIGHT NOW. Success isn’t something to be pursued, it’s something that is attracted. I must attract success.
------------------
July 14, 2007
"I am so excited to see Travis next weekend. If I do nothing else physical with him, I would be content and fulfilled just to wrap my arms around him and not let him go for a very long time. I would just hold him tight and feel the awesome love that flows from me to him. I can feel it now and it feels wonderful, and it will feel even more wonderful when I can express it physically to him. I love him, and my love for him has grown exponentially over the months."
--------------------
July 15, 2007.
(Think a bit about the significance of the taking THESE notes at THIS time, shortly before she moved to Mesa against Travis’s will. When I first read this entry not that long ago, it literally made me feel sick to my stomach).
writes down these quotes, without comment:
“Having a Temple Recommend in your hand is one step, to hold onto it is a challenge, and we must prove over and over that we are worthy.”
“All men who hold the priesthood have a duty to respect womanhood. To respect their physical wellbeing and virtue….”
“To find a woman who you love, who loves you, and who respects the priesthood (…) is one of the highest and most sacred blessings you will ever receive in life.”
“False gods or idols are everything that entices you away from duty, loyalty, and love for and service to God.”
---------------------------------
July 21, 2007. “The Big Sur chapter has just about ended. It will be closed on Tuesday. “
July 25, 2007.
Last night in my Palm Desert house.
“I called Travis 2 hours ago and he hasn’t returned my call. I can’t help but think the worst. He’s given me no reason to trust him or to feel secure for over a month, and I am no better. We continue to violate each other’s trust. It’s a cycle I could end immediately on my part, but it drives me mad not knowing where I stand.
“Every time I’ve dug for clues I’ve found awful things. He says he loves me and I believe him, but he never told me when it mattered we were officially together, nor did he ever do much to make me feel secure.
Why should I feel like have to compete with other girls? I shouldn’t. I deserve to be treated with respect, and I shouldn’t have to worry about the man I love texting and flirting and kissing other women. I’ve been so stupid and blind in this situation. Yet, my love lives on, born daily in pain with my first conscious thoughts of him. Should I hold on? Should I let go? My love for him is bigger than even I can grasp…..”
-------
August 2, 2007.
“I love him. I could not possibly love him not, though I WISH I could stop. Turn it off like a light switch. Duct tape it down so it couldn’t turn back on. Or better yet, just cut the circuit. Cut off its life source. Make it dead in a second. Lifeless. A meaningless network of wires that do and mean nothing.
On the other hand, I could dwell for hours on the sweetness of him. He doesn’t show it often. He rarely did even when things were at their peak. But his potential for greatness just begs to explode. But he refuses to be coached. He is too prideful for his own good at times. He allows himself to be too caught up in negative, petty circumstances that only exist because we allow for them to exist (which is my way if taking my full load of the responsibility for such conditions here).
I wish he could see his power the way I see it. Things would change in the blink of an eye. But they will not change until we change. So, I can only work on myself and be an example, and focus on love, light, and the good and wonderful things of the Universe.”
--------
EPILOGUE
December 26, 2007.
“I’m ready to let go of all that garbage, holding on to only the lessons. I’ll revisit the memories (the good ones) when they don’t bother me so much anymore. When I can just reflect upon them and feel nothing but contentment and gratitude.
But I’m ready to put this rediculous year behind me. (…….) I have nowhere to go but up. I’ve continually hit rock bottom financially, emotionally, even spiritually, which has NEVER been like me. But my faith and hope was violently shaken this year. In fact, I need to be extra vigilant and cautious because of any possible residual effects floating around out there, waiting to settle into manifestation."
December 30. 2007.
“ It’s terrible, my lack of control over unwanted thoughts and bad feelings They (have become) my dominant thoughts, and I don’t want the scale tipped over into their direction.”
“At times I don’t want to think about the amazing & good times I had in the first half of the year, because the contrast of my life now only deepens the pain, as I haven’t fully let go of those times. I long for them, to reexperience those joys and carefree times when I was happier and more innocent.”
SELECTED
JOURNAL ENTRIES (from V3), JUNE 20-AUGUST 2, 2007, WITH A DECEMBER 2007 EPILOGUE OF SORTS.Warning: keep your barf bag handy. Seriously.
----------
June 20, 2007
We went to the Sacred Grove. Travis told me he didn’t want to be affectionate there, because he thought it was inappropriate. He’s “completely entitled to feel that way, but I think it is very telling.”
I responded by telling him –“-not that I’m expecting a proposal, but this is the number one place where Mormons get engaged, so I would hardly call it a place where there shouldn’t be any affection.” He accused me of being mad, but I really wasn’t. “In truth, I was only trying to make the point that it was only his philosophy that made him think that way.”
“I didn’t press the point though because I didn’t think I could accomplish anything by doing so,” and it would have just caused unnecessary strain and tension between us. “All in all, it was very considerate of him to tell me it in a mature manner, with kindness in explaining it to me.”
--The Grove was so enchanting , “so I completely disagree about the engagement thing, and think it is a romantic and sacred spot, and a perfect place for a couple to embark upon a journey of eternity together. “
---------------
June (?-between 20-28th), 2007.
writes down this quote from Prophet Joseph Smith:“It is impossible to hide a bad spirit from the eyes of those who are faithful. It will show itself in our eyes, our speech, and in our other conduct. It is also in vain to make great pretensions when the heart is not right. The Lord will expose it to his faithful saints.”
Then she writes this:
“With this quote I am reminded of Travis. I say this because I’ve had a difficult time trusting him lately. My intuition has been off the charts. Its never been wrong about this kind of thing, and it’s a feeling that’s all too familiar, and its always proven to be true. But he swears of his honesty, and truthfully, I want nothing more than to continue to believe in him and trust him. Therefore, I will have faith that his word is gold. My philosophy is this: what he says, is. And that’s all.
"But about the quote-if he is lying and being deceitful, he will be exposed. And I trust him. That’s the bottom line. He is wonderful and special. He is rare, awesome, and incredible.”
---------------
They broke up (from whatever was their relationship on June 29, 2007, after she invaded his privacy by snooping his texts. After she killed Travis she first said the breakup was mutual- -that each had violated the other’s trust--, then later, that she had broken it off with him over the phone because she couldn’t trust him, and that he had begged her not to leave him, promised to be better, and had proposed to her during that break-up call.
-------------------------
July 1, 2007. I’m driving to Monterey to go to church.
-------
July 3, 2007. When I got to work I had the strong urge to call Travis and begin apologizing all over again. But when he answered (I called) he was sweet and wonderful and cheered me up a bit, so I decided it would be best not to go into all that again before my shift. I was just happy to hear his warm voice speaking to me so nicely on the other end. (…) I wish I could tell him that I love him.
----------
July 7, 2007
I’m in church right now, and the hymn is so poignant for me-“where can I turn for peace?”
(She quotes lines from the hymn, then responds to them).
“When with a wounded heart, anger, malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?”
“My heart is certainly deeply wounded. I brought so much of this pain down on myself because of my own fears and insecurities. Not only did I react with an utter lack of common sense, logic, or rational thinking, I unwittingly acted with malice, hurting someone I love and care for more deeply than can be expressed by pen and paper.”
“Where when my aching grows where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?”
“My aching was bad before, but then I discovered some painful things. I let it mess with me far too much, because I didn’t have the courage to ask, to confront him. So, my aching grew, my questions resounded over and over in my mind, my heart ached increasingly, my sleep and appetite decreased.
But because I was not honest about the dishonest things I had done my heart now aches even more, I languish more. And of course, I know where to turn, to my Heavenly Father."
----------
Later on June 7. I went to the beach to watch the sun set, and on the path back “once again a full-blown realization of the sins I had committed weighed so heavily on me."
“The act of lying is so counterproductive, it goes against the very nature of creation itself, because creation is the word of God, who speaks the truth. “ So, every time we lie we edge out God a little more, we widen the gap and lower the vibration and separate ourselves a little more from the Holy Ghost.
“With that realization I fell to my knees in the dirt and repented yet again, deeply, sorely, sincerely. CONTRITION. “
(Then I felt the presence of Jesus Christ). “ The purity of this presence created a sharp contrast to the impurity of how I had been. CONTRITION. I realize now that I see so clearly just how unclearly I was thinking. It feels like I may never repent enough for this.”
----
THE VERY NEXT DAY, June 8, 2008.
(The Bishop’s son walked me to my car then asked me if I was seeing anyone). “ I said yes. I did not like to lie, I truly didn’t, but the only alternative was to tell him the entire drama that had recently unfolded in my life, and I’m not about to share that with anymore strangers. One was enough, and it caused me enough heartache because I was stupid enough to believe he could offer me what I wanted.” (note: a stranger, eh? wonder who that was).
“Desperation makes people do stupid things. ‘Fear of loss will lead people to the dark side. ‘ Had I not been sneaky from the beginning about looking into Travis’s phones I would not have known. Ignorance really is bliss. “
-----+
(Same day?) “The other day I was reading, and this passage jumped out at me…’and he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive to his voice, even as many would not hearken to my voice.’ It seemed to speak directly to me. “
Something catapults me to a more inspirational state. I want to get out of Big Sur RIGHT NOW. Success isn’t something to be pursued, it’s something that is attracted. I must attract success.
------------------
July 14, 2007
"I am so excited to see Travis next weekend. If I do nothing else physical with him, I would be content and fulfilled just to wrap my arms around him and not let him go for a very long time. I would just hold him tight and feel the awesome love that flows from me to him. I can feel it now and it feels wonderful, and it will feel even more wonderful when I can express it physically to him. I love him, and my love for him has grown exponentially over the months."
--------------------
July 15, 2007.
(Think a bit about the significance of the
taking THESE notes at THIS time, shortly before she moved to Mesa against Travis’s will. When I first read this entry not that long ago, it literally made me feel sick to my stomach). writes down these quotes, without comment:“Having a Temple Recommend in your hand is one step, to hold onto it is a challenge, and we must prove over and over that we are worthy.”
“All men who hold the priesthood have a duty to respect womanhood. To respect their physical wellbeing and virtue….”
“To find a woman who you love, who loves you, and who respects the priesthood (…) is one of the highest and most sacred blessings you will ever receive in life.”
“False gods or idols are everything that entices you away from duty, loyalty, and love for and service to God.”
---------------------------------
July 21, 2007. “The Big Sur chapter has just about ended. It will be closed on Tuesday. “
July 25, 2007.
Last night in my Palm Desert house.
“I called Travis 2 hours ago and he hasn’t returned my call. I can’t help but think the worst. He’s given me no reason to trust him or to feel secure for over a month, and I am no better. We continue to violate each other’s trust. It’s a cycle I could end immediately on my part, but it drives me mad not knowing where I stand.
“Every time I’ve dug for clues I’ve found awful things. He says he loves me and I believe him, but he never told me when it mattered we were officially together, nor did he ever do much to make me feel secure.
Why should I feel like have to compete with other girls? I shouldn’t. I deserve to be treated with respect, and I shouldn’t have to worry about the man I love texting and flirting and kissing other women. I’ve been so stupid and blind in this situation. Yet, my love lives on, born daily in pain with my first conscious thoughts of him. Should I hold on? Should I let go? My love for him is bigger than even I can grasp…..”
-------
August 2, 2007.
“I love him. I could not possibly love him not, though I WISH I could stop. Turn it off like a light switch. Duct tape it down so it couldn’t turn back on. Or better yet, just cut the circuit. Cut off its life source. Make it dead in a second. Lifeless. A meaningless network of wires that do and mean nothing.
On the other hand, I could dwell for hours on the sweetness of him. He doesn’t show it often. He rarely did even when things were at their peak. But his potential for greatness just begs to explode. But he refuses to be coached. He is too prideful for his own good at times. He allows himself to be too caught up in negative, petty circumstances that only exist because we allow for them to exist (which is my way if taking my full load of the responsibility for such conditions here).
I wish he could see his power the way I see it. Things would change in the blink of an eye. But they will not change until we change. So, I can only work on myself and be an example, and focus on love, light, and the good and wonderful things of the Universe.”
--------
EPILOGUE
December 26, 2007.
“I’m ready to let go of all that garbage, holding on to only the lessons. I’ll revisit the memories (the good ones) when they don’t bother me so much anymore. When I can just reflect upon them and feel nothing but contentment and gratitude.
But I’m ready to put this rediculous year behind me. (…….) I have nowhere to go but up. I’ve continually hit rock bottom financially, emotionally, even spiritually, which has NEVER been like me. But my faith and hope was violently shaken this year. In fact, I need to be extra vigilant and cautious because of any possible residual effects floating around out there, waiting to settle into manifestation."
December 30. 2007.
“ It’s terrible, my lack of control over unwanted thoughts and bad feelings They (have become) my dominant thoughts, and I don’t want the scale tipped over into their direction.”
“At times I don’t want to think about the amazing & good times I had in the first half of the year, because the contrast of my life now only deepens the pain, as I haven’t fully let go of those times. I long for them, to reexperience those joys and carefree times when I was happier and more innocent.”
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