(my 84 yr old friend, who send the funnies to me, just had cataract surgery)
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RETIRING TO FLORIDA....Sounds like a blast!
A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on
Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa,
Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in
Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going
to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days
are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15
minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-
hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next
day.
Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick
breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30
of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every
development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a
nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home,
shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by
gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-
shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the
clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.
Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the
many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a
filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the
flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex
watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start
lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because
we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions
they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and
dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup
and Splenda, along with mints.
At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're
fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during
the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading
old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour
just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until
we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and
the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a
rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest
concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a
volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball
team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You
should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call
them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are
many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't
remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours
while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name.
Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity
sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or
the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray,
who happens to be a cheap







.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any
further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the
Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
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Euphemisms for "Stupid"
Sometimes the need arises to express your opinion of a person's low
intelligence, but you don't want to just rudely say it straight out. Here are a
few creative euphemisms for the word "stupid" that might come in handy.
~His elevator doesn't go to the top floor
~All foam, no beer.
~His bread ain't done
~His yeast went bad.
~He couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel.
~The cheese slid off his cracker.
~He's one taco short of a combination plate
~He's one brick shy of a load
~He's one pickle short of a barrel
~He's one sandwich short of a picnic
~He's one step short of a flight (of stairs)
~He's one fry short of a Happy Meal
~The light is on, but nobody is home.
~There's nothing in the attic but cobwebs.
~He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
~He's not the brightest crayon in the box.
~The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
~Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
~The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but there is no train.
~He's dumber than a box of rocks.
~He's dumber than a bag of hammers.
~He couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
~He's a walking advertisement/poster boy for birth control/planned parenthood.
~If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
~Somewhere a village is missing its idiot
~He donated his brain to science. Science sent it back.
~He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on his way down.
~The starting gate is open, but he's still asking directions.
~A few cans short of a six-pack.
~His pilot light isn't lit.
~He's as useful as




on a wart/boar hog.
~If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
~It takes him an hour to cook Minute Rice.
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The Hairdryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you
'I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!
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THE ACCIDENT
A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both
of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they
crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you
completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the
bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The
man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for
the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
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MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Lucy and was in the check-out line when a woman behind
me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works
is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's azz and a
car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired
people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.