An Erie , PA Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem.
A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money.
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A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA.
A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car...
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Old country preacher
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'
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Sister Mary Katherine
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words. Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.' 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. ''Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today .''I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine. 'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but
since you got here.'
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Late night lecture
A man is stopped by the police in the early hours of the morning and
asked where he's going.
Slurring his words, he says, "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about
the physiological effects of alcohol on the human body."
The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this
time of night?"
"My wife", he replied.
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Mad Wife syndrome
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '.
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'
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My daughter was discussing something with her husband last night, and used this old saying as an illustration, "Give a man to fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime!" Her son, twelve, was listening to the conversation and stated, "No Mum, it should be, 'give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the weekend!"
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Don't spend $2.00 on dry cleaning a shirt. Give it to the Goodwill store and after they have it cleaned buy it back, the next day, for 75cents.
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the ology of it all
A professor was travelling by boat to Lamu on their way he asked the sailor,
"Do you know Biology, Ecology,Zoology, Embryology, Epidemology?"
"NO." answered the sailor.
Prof got angry and said "What the hell do you know? You will die of illiteracy."
One hour later the boat started sinking, the sailor looked at the Profesor and asked,
"Do you know swiminology, escapeology and sharkology?"
"NO" said the professor.
"Well dat means Crocodileology will eat ur Headology and you will Dielogy with ur knowledgeology because of ur mouthology!"
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Right in the groove
This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter,
Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.
Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.
And while youre at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.
The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man,
The chef said you can kiss his azz, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove......"
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Newlyweds
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?''
''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...''
Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...
things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!''
''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?''
''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''
''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!''
Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''
illowfight2:I was waiting to put it out next week- with all the rain we have been having and all.)
