The Truth
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny
decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother
quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for
his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father
promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his
front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman
immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great
big hug!"
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Rigor mortis
Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came
home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are
his legs like that?"
His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from
the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling,
"Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I
got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on
her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of
been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get
him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why
they threw him out!"
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says
nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit
there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use
knockin'!
There's no paper on this side either!"
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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was
sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was
sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and
yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?"
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her
again.
Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked
Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it
up your azz!"
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Try and Find It
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes
that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's
slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool?
Try finding that!"
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Jesús is watching you
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a
voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing.
He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
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BBQ grill
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the
BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-azz
grill for one little weenie?"
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Quick
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his
wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a
beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she
looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top,
"You
! You waltz in here, flop your fat azz down, don't even say hello to me and then
expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and
iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh sh-t, it started!
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Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look,
I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm
supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor
and hisses, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers,
"She made me a better offer."
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A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?"
She replies, "Let's run upstairs and make love."
He turns to her and says, "Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"
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A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I dont want to close the clinic. I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of my patients.
Yes, sir! answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: So, Seamus, how was your
day?
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.
Bravo, and the second one? asks the doctor.
The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir. says Seamus.
Bravo, bravo! Youre good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor.
Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she
undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the
table. She spread her legs and shouted: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!
Thunderin Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do? asks the doctor.
I put drops in her eyes. !!!!!
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Good Church Excuse
A friend of mine was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as always ,
to shake hands with the worshipers.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, You need to join the army of the Lord.
My friend replied, Im already in the army of the Lord, Father.
So the vicar inquired, Then how come I only see you at Christmas and at Easter?
My friend whispered back, Im in the secret service.
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