Wife's resourceful burial plan
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig.I had him buried upside down...
and I know he won't ask for directions."
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
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As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
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Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'
' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. Theyre gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
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A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.
The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!
The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!
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"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor."
"And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
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A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth."
The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"
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Proposal
The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.
One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.
It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldnt seem to remember.
Morton picked up the phone and dialed.
Hi Greta, said Morton, I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?
Oh my gosh gushed Greta, Im so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldnt recall who it was!
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LOL
John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom. It read: Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom.
How could he have failed?!
And all his Mom has to say is that shes Laughing Out Loud?!
Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: What was up with the LOL? his text said.
I just wanted to send you Lots Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.
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Annual Checkup
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
Roger Gresse, an elderly man, from Zanesville, OH, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. Roger opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said. "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
Roger said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Gresse residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to Roger, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Roger said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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24 Hours To LIve
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife, Sarah, that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Morris asks Sarah to make love.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "I have only eight hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
"Of course," Sarah agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only six hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to four hours. He taps Sarah, and says, "Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point Sarah becomes very annoyed. "Listen, Morris," she says,"enough is enough! I have to get up in the morning! You don't!
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50 years together
Goldberg and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. The three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the old folks house. Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like wine.
"Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed son # 1..."I'm sorry I'm running late...had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is and I didn't have time to stop to get you guys a present!"
"Not to worry!" said the old man..."The important thing is, we're together!"
Son #2 came rushing in. "POPS! you're lookin' good! And MOM! you're still beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a big deal! Came straight from the airport, and didn't have time to buy you a gift...I'm so sorry!"
"It's nothing," said Goldberg...we're together, that's the main thing!"
Daughter: "Mom, Dad, the firm is shipping me to Europe for a conference....I gotta run as soon as din-din's over...didn't have time for a shopping trip!"
Goldberg sighed, "I don't care, we just like being together!"
Halfway through the meal, Goldberg, in a reflective mood, said.."Listen,you three...something's been on my mind, and I want to tell you about it.....your Momma and I...well, we came to this country during the war, penniless, desperate... and in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we never got around to getting married.... we just knew we loved each other, and after a few years, it didn't seem important, so...."
The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, "DAD! You mean...you mean to say...we're...BASTARDS?"
"YEAH, and CHEAP ones at that!" retorted the old man.
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I wish they would just let me pick what channels I want- a' la carte.
