We (I) need them :sheesh:
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Compromise
My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration.
Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church.
Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.
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Honeymoon
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot.
Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital.
"Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot."
The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
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Last Word
John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, Ive made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.
Wow!" said Bob, how did you manage that?
Its easy, replied John, my last word is always Yes, Dear.
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Bed, Bath, And Way, Way Beyond
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find
anything?
How about my misspent youth, joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.
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Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
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Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
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Testifying
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
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Getting The Story Straight
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
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Imagine that
Can u believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that I didn't know when the bottle of beer I was holding fell on the floor.
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Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
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New Relationship Book
"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship.
It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"
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New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their azz has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their azz is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
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