A little of this, a little of that
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Medicare Part G (New)
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four politicians.
Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes!
Is this a great county or what?
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$500 If we fail to fill your order!
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye bread.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
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When you feel stupid - read this!
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2015 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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Are You Dead
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not," he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.
"The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
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Japanese sex
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says angrily: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.
You need help!!
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A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father:
Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.
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Link:
http://i913.photobucket.com/albums/ac334/jessie_roces_photos/funny/t10.gif
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Link:
http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g366/dagwood6/Computer Funnies/helpkey.jpg
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Link:
http://lowres.cartoonstock.com/animals-mouse-pc-mouse_mat-mouse_pads-working-sden414_low.jpg
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Link:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jydibTwbi...s400/Screen+shot+2012-02-02+at+4.44.31+PM.png
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Computer Wars animator vs animation
[video=youtube;ZQ0F4D4mP28]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ0F4D4mP28[/video]
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