Stressed/school issue

[flipflop]

One more small update, was just informed by one of the girls who told on the boy that he threatened her today at school. Saying he didn't do anything and she better not say anything about him or he will beat her up.

Try and get a written statement from this girl and her parents. Keep it for your records. Tell the school that your next step is to go to the media...schools hate negativity about them in the media. And call the media. Call your school district with all the information you have. Tell the school police that you want to press charges immediately, you have witnesses, a report from the Dr and ,hopefully, a written witness statement with a threat from the bully. If no action happens with the police, tell them they will hear from your lawyer.

 

[raindrops300]

Kinpa, Are these school police actual policemen?
Or school security guards? Insist on a meeting with the school police and then if you're not satisfied go to the city police.

It seems like they would have to take a report, investigate, etc....

 

[momrids6]

Kinpa, Are these school police actual policemen?
Or school security guards? Insist on a meeting with the school police and then if you're not satisfied go to the city police.

It seems like they would have to take a report, investigate, etc....

Or go to the Sheriffs... who have jurisdiction over the entire county.

 

[Kinpa4]

They are actual policemen/women. I haven't heard back from them after they said they were going to the school yesterday morning so I called again this morning, left a message. I know the boy is in school today, so obviously still no action has been taken against him. This is beyond frustrating.

 

[Reality Orlando]

Document everything in writing with a CC to local law enforcement and to a lawyer if you have one. Use strong language to detail in depth what happened, the injury and the ER room visit. Also, document the doctor's diagnosis and the prescription medication that was prescribed. Update every single detail. I'd email with delivery verification and a return receipt and notify in the email that you will be sending documentation through certified mail to be sure all is received as your son's health and well being are at risk. Print everything out including the email receipt verification. Then, do send that certified letter. Keep everything in a red folder that you carry with you to all meetings to show you mean business. Red signifies anger and punctuates the fact that you are determined to find a resolution. This puts everyone on notice and if they don't take steps to remedy the situation they will be held responsible. GL.

 

[milkymama]

I don't know how your state works, but you may be able to file charges independently of a police officer. In Virginia, a magistrate would be the person you would go to.

 

[BethInAK]

What would you guys suggest? My son is in 8th grade and today he was facing the lockers talking to someone and a boy came up behind him and grabbed his head and snapped his neck back leading to my son needing an ER visit. They did a ct scan and said it was a muscle sprain. He is on muscle relaxers for it and to take it easy for the week and recheck at the drs on a few days. I think this boy should be charged with assault. Am I being reasonable? My son has been bullied many times before. This kid is also in 2 classes with him, which my son is now afraid to be in there with him.

I think its completely reasonable. Call the cops.

 

[BethInAK]

Thanks everyone, the school will not tell me what is going to be done. They just say it will be taken care of. That doesn't help me out. I want to know what the procedure is. Our schools obviously don't have a no tolerance policy.

So this is frustrating but normal.
They can't tell you the punishment the child received or will receive - that kid has privacy rights, etc.

If an adult did this to another adult, it would be considered assault.

 

[zippitydoda]

Visit a lawyer - get their advise, and then have them communicate to the kid's parents, the school, the principal - anyone and everyone involved.

 

[Kinpa4]

Sorry I have not been back soon, I have had a lot going on.
My son that was injured is ok now, the director of middle school did tell me his punishment, she said 10 days and then had to see the school board before Coming back.
That never happened. He ended up with 5 days.
He is supposed to be charged with harrassment.
The cop finally called me back this week.
We will see if that happens. Hopefully it will be over for my son.
Then my other son (8 yrs old) has this girl in his class that won't leave him alone, everyone in class knows he's allergic to peanuts, so she came to his desk and said "I have peanut butter" and proceeded to wipe it on his desk. Ugh! That was last week. Then this week she told him she was going to bring a gun to school and shoot him on the playground.
Wth is wrong with these kids?! I'm so ready for summer break!

 

[lillygator]

wow, that is horrible....hope things got cleared up.

 

[BethInAK]

Then this week she told him she was going to bring a gun to school and shoot him on the playground.

in our district this would get the kid kicked out of the regular classroom.

And i think we should be asking "What is wrong with these PARENTS?"

 

[HMSHood]

in our district this would get the kid kicked out of the regular classroom.

And i think we should be asking "What is wrong with these PARENTS?"

Many bullies come from dysfunctional families where abuse is common. It can range from neglect, psychological, physical, and/or sexual abuse.

Abuse
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/abuse.htm

Anxiety

The abuser is an individual who lives in a state of unusually high anxiety and who has not learnt to deal with that anxiety in the way normal people have. The abuser is insecure, immature, and inadequate, especially in the areas of interpersonal and behavioural skills. If the abuse is of a sexual nature, the abuser is usually sexually inadequate.

The high anxiety seems to be the result of an inability to relate to other people combined with the fear of exposure of that person's inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity. This leads the abuser to want to control and dominate others, having never learnt how to interact with others in normal ways. Often, the abuser is psychopathic (physically violent) or sociopathic (psychologically violent) and despite being fearful of exposure, doesn't show the normal activation of the fight or flight mechanism.

Upbringing

Abusers are usually brought up in a dysfunctional family. The more abusive the adult, the more dysfunctional the family. Often, the father, if present, is violent and abusive. Perhaps the mother is co-dependent, a successful survival strategy when living with a violent partner; however, co-dependency also perpetuates the violence as it avoids dealing with the issue. Usually one or both parents are sociopathic or psychopathic. Occasionally, the child is over-protected, usually by the mother, and thus never allowed to develop as an individual human being. Sometimes, the child is ignored in favour of a sibling.

Before blaming the parents, the reason parents are dysfunctional is because they were brought up in dysfunctional families. The more dysfunctional the parent, the more dysfunctional were their parents ... and so on. Most people are never taught parenting skills. The sole teachers of parenting skills are thus ... our parents. It's not that we actively teach our kids to parent - kids learn by example. We grow up and repeat what they did to us. If all you have ever known is abuse, that is the only way you know how to behave. Human beings do not automatically know what is right and what is wrong; we have to learn it.

The child lives in a dysfunctional environment where abuse, violence or neglect are the norm; as the subject of abuse, the child cannot predict the behaviour of the responsible adults, and therefore has no control. The child learns, usually from an early age, that using bullying behaviours brings relief from anxiety. With so few people able to recognise bullying for what it is, and with strategies of denial, distraction and feigning victimhood perfected by about the age of five, the child has found a successful strategy for reducing anxiety, and thus surviving. Controlling other children through violent behaviour means brings a sense of power (control) to the child; he can't predict or control his parents but he can control other (smaller or less physically strong) children. His targets also become useful objects onto which he can freely displace his own aggression.

Seven types of abuse identified
1. Physical abuse
2. Sexual abuse
3. Tactile abuse
4. Existence abuse
5. Religious abuse or cult abuse
6. Emotional abuse
7. Psychological abuse

 

[JeannaT]

HMS, I think that used to be the thinking about bullies. Our school district is doing several anti-bullying campaigns, including Rachel's Challenge for students and also anti-bullying programs for parents and teachers.

The current research that is being done indicates that despite what we've all been taught to believe, in fact, school-yard bullies tend to have higher than average self-esteem and often come from families who are supportive and affectionate. In these families the parents are at first unbelieving, and then horrified to hear that their kids are bullies. This does not apply to kids who routinely plot and commit felonies or enjoy torturing animals, but rather the kind of bully who impulsively slams kids into lockers, head locks them, and jeers at them and is often in the "popular crowd". The thought that they are acting out of an inferior complex is appearing not to be true. Rather, they are acting on an honest belief that they are better than those they bully. Interestingly, although the victims remember every detail of these encounters years later bullies are likely to admit they have no memory at all of the victims. Reinforcing the apparent idea that this really isn't that big a deal in their lives, it's just kind of a habit.

The more we know, the more we can solve the problem imho.


Edited to add: In rereading, this post sounded arrogant. I don't mean to say this is necessarily correct and your post is not correct - just that I went to an antibullying symposium put on by the district for principals and teachers and this was what was being taught.

 

[Kinpa4]

I wish these kids would wake up and see what they are doing. My sons middle school had a play that was about bullying and that it can lead kids to suicide. My son said the kids didn't care. That right after the assembly kids were picking on others Etc. and a small update to the original problem I posted about. The kid was charged and just last week we got the paper in the mail that we had to go to court because the kid pled not guilty. So today we go to court. I hope it turns out ok, my son has a form of autism and I'm not sure how he will do in front of the judge.

 

[BethInAK]

I wish these kids would wake up and see what they are doing. My sons middle school had a play that was about bullying and that it can lead kids to suicide. My son said the kids didn't care. That right after the assembly kids were picking on others Etc. and a small update to the original problem I posted about. The kid was charged and just last week we got the paper in the mail that we had to go to court because the kid pled not guilty. So today we go to court. I hope it turns out ok, my son has a form of autism and I'm not sure how he will do in front of the judge.

Fingers, toes and tails crossed for your boy today.

 

[JeannaT]

Kinpa, prayers for your son. And prayers that it turned out well in court.

I do have to say, when I read your posts (and I do want to read and follow them, I hope the best for your son) I have to pull my chair up to the computer desk and put my thumb over your Kermit avatar to read your posts. I wish you the best, and him the best, but I literally can't read what you write with kermit flailing around on the post.

Prayers that all went well today.

 

[Kinpa4]

Thank you everyone. Sorry about the avatar court called and rescheduled for April 16th. I was hoping it would be over today. For hours I felt like puking waiting for the time to come. Now we get to do it all over again.

 

[Opie]

Slightly off-topic, but I sure do sympathize with your wanting-to-puke feeling. Grandson was involved in a situation where he was physically manhandled (group home) and the court had us come in 6 times before they "had time to deal with the case." Pulled GS and sometimes siblings out of school, DD and witnesses took off work, we drove through winter weather, we all waited around as long as 5 hours, only to be told the case would not be heard that day.

I despise bullying and poorly handled court dockets. Good luck to you and your DS.

 

[Redhead72]

Thank you everyone. Sorry about the avatar court called and rescheduled for April 16th. I was hoping it would be over today. For hours I felt like puking waiting for the time to come. Now we get to do it all over again.

Hi Kinpa4 - Coming in to this conversation late, but after reading how anxious you were about the court date, I wanted to ask you; does your court system have a victim's advocate office? If it does I would highly suggest getting in contact with them.

When I had to go to court and testify about a case involving my daughter the advocate assigned to me was a wonderful source of information, and support (my daughter did not have to testify as the perpetrator plead guilty, but I was requested by the prosecutor to speak at the sentencing hearing). Anyway, they were extremely helpful to me, and I believe they would be beneficial if available for yourself, and your son, especially.

I also wanted to ask if the prosecutor(s)/DA know that your son as Asperger's? And, if they knew this when they charged the other boy as well? In some jurisdictions if the victim has a disability of that sort the penalties can be more serious. Even if that's not the case in regard to different charges, it's still important that the DA know about your son's condition. The DA could advise the judge, and everyone can be on the same page as far as knowing your son's limitations, and likely "performance" in a court room. If you are afraid, for instance, that he will have a hard time speaking in front of a lot of people they can clear the courtroom of any observers, etc... Steps can be taken to ease your son of some of the anxiety if they know about his condition.

Anyway, I'm glad you got someone to take this seriously and file actual charges. Honestly, the school systems aren't able to take care of these kinds of situations and keep our children safe. It's not always a matter of not wanting to, but a matter of having to follow certain guidelines to make sure the other child still has access to school, and has their privacy protected - and yes, trust me, I know how incredibly unfair that feels to the victim, and to their parents as well. It's just not right that it is up to the victim to change schools, and other things when it is (in this case) the bully who really should be the one that suffers. It's like everything is backwards when dealing with juvenile offenders...

Again, I strongly suggest getting in touch with a victim's advocate either through the court system, or perhaps through a community advocacy agency that can help guide you through the court process, answer questions and provide support to you and your son.

One more question, if I may, did the girl who was threatened tell on the boy as well, and does the DA know about that interaction also? Are they going to call in the girls as witnesses for the case? Regardless, it's important to tell the prosecutor(s) about the girl being threatened with assault too, as that is witness intimidation, and it's a serious crime in and of itself.

I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers also for your other child. After my oldest daughter's experiences (too long to detail here) we opted to homeschool all of our children, but I realize that isn't always an option, or even the best option for some children and families, for many different reasons...