Bolded all snipped, copied and pasted by me. Sorry for the extra long post incoming….
She said when she found the allegations against her 'sickening'. 'I just couldn’t believe it, it was devastating', she said
After she became aware of the allegations in September 2016 she said 'I went to my GP, I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating had a complete change in my whole life. I was started on some antidepressants which I remain on now'
Ms Letby said over the last few years there has been 'times when I didn’t want to live'. She said her 'job was her life' and that she 'can't put in to words' the impact the accusations have had on her
She tells the court she was told she was being charged with murder and attempted murder and taken away in her pyjamas. After this first arrest she was released on bail - part of her bail conditions was that she couldn't return to her home, so she moved in with parents
It was just the most, the scariest thing I've ever been through…it didn’t happen once, twice and a third time…it’s just traumatising', she said
She said she has been diagnosed with PTSD following the arrests and receives psychological support. She says it takes her one hour and a half to get to court from where she is currently being held. She gets up at 5.30am and gets back at 7pm
re: 'I am an awful person...', Letby said at the time she did feel an awful person as she was worried she had made any mistakes.
She said she was being taken away from the job she loved for things she had not done.
She adds, at the time, she could not see a future for herself, in relation to 'I'll never children or marry'.
She says "my whole situation felt hopeless, at times".
11:00am
Re: 'HATE' and 'Hate myself for what this has' - "At the time, I did hate myself".
She says she was made to feel incompetent in some way.
She says her mental health at the time of writing this note was "poor".
She says it was "difficult", with the "isolation I felt", and this lasted "two years".
Re: 'I killed them on purpose because I am not good enough to care for them, I am a horrible evil person'.
Asked what she means by that note, Letby responds: "I [felt as though I] hadn't been good enough and in some way I had failed [in my duties, my competencies]...that was insinuated to me."
Re: 'I AM EVIL I DID THIS' - "I felt at the time if I had done something wrong, I must have been an awful person..."
Letby says she feared she may have been "incompetent" and because of that, she had "harmed those babies".
She adds she could not understand "why this happened to me".
She says, looking back, she was "really struggling" at the time of writing the note.
When asked how many babies she had cared for during the period in question, she says: "Probably hundreds."
Myers, Letby's defence barrister, goes on to ask her: "And did you care for them?", to which she replies "yes".
She is then asked if she ever wanted to hurt any baby.
"No that’s completely against what being a nurse is, I only wanted to help and to care for them," she says.
She is then asked how she felt when she was taken off duty.
"I was distraught... It was life changing. I was put into a non-clinical role which I didn't enjoy... from a self confidence point of view it made me question everything about myself."
Posted at 10:4810:48
Judith Moritz
Inside the courtroom
Myers is asking Letby how she felt when she learnt what she was being accused of.
"It was sickening, I just couldn't believe it. It was devastating," she says, adding: "I don't think you can be accused of anything worse than that. I just changed as a person. My mental health deteriorated. I felt very isolated."
Lucy Letby is crying in the witness box.
She says "my job was my life" and "my whole world was stopped".
She is still crying.
Asked how hard it is to cope "with what you're being accused of", Letby says "everything has changed".
"Everything about me, my hopes for the future, has changed... I've been remanded in prison since November 2020. I've been in four different prisons."
He asks her how she feels as she is being asked about the arrests and the note (see our previous posts), to which she responds: "It's uncomfortable for me. I'm a very private person."
Bolded is some of the testimony from LL so far. So far we have a lot of ME ME ME and I I I. The only reference she makes to the babies is as ‘those babies’.
HER life, HER mental health, HER future, HER career,
HER world has stopped. Yet there are 7 lots of parents who’s babies are dead. And she has been accused of killing them, along with seriously harming many more. Maybe she will move on to say some actual heartfelt comments about the babies, except she says it’s sickening and the worst thing to be accused of as a nurse, but that’s pretty much it. The rest is all about poor Lucy, making a 3 hour round trip for court, being arrested in her pyjamas and how she now suffers with her mental health. But none of this is relevant to her actions during June 2015- 2016.
Her explanation of the notes is deflecting at best and falls flat IMO. It’s a given that whether innocent or guilty you would be very depressed in prison, but it isn’t relevant to whether you did or did not do the things you are being accused of. I have a feeling that once it’s the prosecutions turn she is going to answer ‘I don’t recall’ ‘can’t remember’ ‘have no recollection’ of a lot of the incriminating evidence. Such as why exactly did she write a note apologising to one of the triplets aswel as to their parents on their birthday (the today is your birthday note) aswell as saying she doesn’t know if anyone else will remember them? What a strange thing to say!
I’m guessing Myers will gloss over alot of the incriminating stuff and ask her lots of questions she can easily answer or deflect. Crying and wiping her eyes with tissue over HER life being destroyed when the parents of tiny babies she is accused of murdering are watching this. I’m floored. Court is only 2 days this week aswell is this to ‘allow her time to recover’ from giving evidence?
Sorry for the extra long post but all I’m seeing is a lot of self pity and everything is about how Lucy has been affected, but not adding anything about how devastated the parents must be, or the fact babies will never live to have their first day at school never mind have a career, get married or have children!
All MOO