Unadopting a Child...

[JBean]

I agree, your obligation is to your other kids as well. I could not keep someone in my home like that either.

I wouldn't be qualified to help this child and I would not use my other kids as guinea pigs to see if I could do it or not.
I do not mean to imply that people should be able to give up their kids or unadopt without adequate counseling,training, guidance, help, whatever.This is clearly a last resort but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that this is in the molesting child's best interest. This is not something to be taken lightly, but sometimes at the end of the day, we just don;t have the tools to truly help a child like this.

 

[JBean]

Totally agree with you on this one Jelly. If it was my child who was the molester, he'd be kicked out of the house so fast his head would swim!!!

hey we have to agree once in awhile Linask!

 

[OneLostGrl]

Well, I'm a molestation victim, so I see it the other way. This kid is a hopeless pedophile criminal child molester. I say good for the mother, keep your other children and protect them from him!!!

LinasK- So am I... so am I! That is all the more reason I feel as strongly as I do about this. I thank G0d that my mother believed me and got me help so I had a chance in life. Victims in some cases end up being perpatraters, IMO, because the issues that come with molestation are never dealt with and it stays inside festering which in turn keeps the feelings of victimization and anger fresh. Then they "srike back" by hurting someone else.

Our children are not and should not be disposable- for any reason!

 

[OneLostGrl]

I wouldn't be qualified to help this child and I would not use my other kids as guinea pigs to see if I could do it or not.
I do not mean to imply that people should be able to give up their kids or unadopt without adequate counseling,training, guidance, help, whatever.This is clearly a last resort but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that this is in the molesting child's best interest. This is not something to be taken lightly, but sometimes at the end of the day, we just don;t have the tools to truly help a child like this.

Absolutely, I would put the child in treatment or a group home, I wouldn't let him continue doing what he is doing and would keep him and my other kids safe from him but I would not throw him away!

 

[Amraann]

A member of my family has just become a foster child to a 7y/o who has older siblings, and they do not have physical/emotional problems. They have a very sad story to tell, but are smart, active and well behaved children. I do not see that every 9 year old in the foster system is damaged....

I also have another family member that has adopted 2 children, in addition to their 4 biological. The one son they adopted was from overseas, and they were told that he probably was mentally handicapped. Well, he did have to repeat kindergarten but only because he hadn't really learned English yet but other than that...not a single issue.

They then adopted another little sweetie...she was 3 y/o at the time and given up by the adoptive parents that had gone to Asia to get her in the 1st place! At her 1st American home she sat in her room all day long...did not play and the adoptive mom just did not bond to her at all. After 8 months the adoption service took her away....enter my family. When little sweetie saw them she lit up like a firecracker and hasn't stopped talking yet!

Bottom line is that a child may act one way in one environment, then differently in another. My own kids do that. I think this situation is very sad, and am tempted to say she is horrid. But I am not in her shoes, or even her house...

Lynie

Lynnie?? You said thy do have emotional and physical problems?
See that is my point.. It is expected that these children will have problems to what degree no one can guess.
And an adoptive parent should darn well KNOW that.

When he was 12 and this happend why not get him help then??
WHy not go after the state agency and hold them accountable??
But to abandon him??

NO its wrong. However bad his problems she could make and effort as any parent should.
Its a shame thatwhen he was 9 he was adopted to this women when he could have been adopted by maybe someone else more worthy and capable.
I don;t buy that this issue is all about her not knowing his past.
Because like I said you never know how the abuse with effect a child later.

 

[SewingDeb]

Instead of "punishing" the child for the abuse inflicted upon him by his "biological parents" and the "system" instead of "making the situation" worse by "throwing" away this "damaged" child, why doesn't someone "step up to the plate" and help the child. Ensure that he gets treatment" so that he can be a productive member of society and he is "given" a chance not to spend the rest of his life in Prison, for more serious crimes, that are in the "future"

I agree with you and Amra. Adopting a child should be the same as having your own biological child. You love them unconditionally and if problems come up you get them help and you help them through it.

ETA: I wouldn't blame her for wanting him out of the house after what he did and she does have an obligation to the other children, but when she adopted him she also took on an obligation to him. I notice he does not want to be unadopted and he has a say at his age.

Rather than sending him to another foster home where they may not disclose his history (including the molestations) to the new foster parents, he really should be behind bars and in counselling. JMO. It would be nice if his adopted parents stood by him during all of this. Then there might be a chance that he is still young enough to be helped.

 

[Amraann]

Totally agree with you on this one Jelly. If it was my child who was the molester, he'd be kicked out of the house so fast his head would swim!!!

That is pretty awful since he is not a criminal pedophile he was a 12 year old.
BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE!

This is different then an adult.

I just need to step away from this topic till tomorrow.

 

[michelle]

Its a shame thatwhen he was 9 he was adopted to this women when he could have been adopted by maybe someone else more worthy and capable.
.

The article says that even at first they thought it was wrong then they seen all the awards she has recieved for fostering kids and that she would have never taken in someone with this type of history and put other kids at risk. She did not know according to the article. I dont think she is able to care for someone like that and does not want too.

 

[Jacobi]

I know I couldn't have criminal child molester in my home, whether he was my biological child or not.I would have my own child removed from my home if any of my other children were in danger. I do not know where or how, but I do know I have an obligation to protect all my children. Perhaps keeping a child with molesting tendencies in a home with other children is probably not the best care you can give the molesting child either.
Many parents, adoptive and otherwise,are not qualified to handle problems of this severity. Just because this woman adopted the child, doesn;t mean this was the best placement for him either.

Reminds me of the case on Dr. Phil (I was channel surfing) where a family had a son who had psychological and anger management issues and had allegedly molested his younger sister. The father wanted to son out of their home because he couldn't be trusted anymore. The parents ended up taking Dr. Phil's offer to send the son to a special institute for treatment. Without the son present they regained some normality to the point where the siblings of the troubled teen didn't want to see him come anymore. I don't know how things turned out (channel surfing), but that was pretty heart wrenching... To see a family struggle with their feelings for their abusive son....

 

[SewingDeb]

I am on the fence on this one. The mother is protecting her gandkids from a possible molester nad she wasnt to still be able to see them but then where does it leave this badly abused child.

After molesting two young children, he should be in the juvenile court system and not at home being a danger. It would be great if he were also in counselling for sex offenders. Why is he free?

 

[JBean]

Reminds me of the case on Dr. Phil (I was channel surfing) where a family had a son who had psychological and anger management issues and had allegedly molested his younger sister. The father wanted to son out of their home because he couldn't be trusted anymore. The parents ended up taking Dr. Phil's offer to send the son to a special institute for treatment. Without the son present they regained some normality to the point where the siblings of the troubled teen didn't want to see him come anymore. I don't know how things turned out (channel surfing), but that was pretty heart wrenching... To see a family struggle with their feelings for their abusive son....

This just can't be easy no matter how you slice it. I cannot imagine how this would affect everyone. It was probably that child's lucky day when he was removed from the home to a place where he could get the professional help that he could not get from his parents.
I would be interested in knowing what heppened to the family. I have a friend who is an avid DP watcher..so i will ask her if she is familiar.
Thanks Jacobi. Sometimes we think love will solve everything, but it is just not always enough.

 

[concernedperson]

True statement, JBean.Love doesn't solve everything but it helps. Love looks deep into your eyes and melts your heart and gives you resolve. I don't know where that came from but I thought I would share.

 

[Jacobi]

This just can't be easy no matter how you slice it. I cannot imagine how this would affect everyone. It was probably that child's lucky day when he was removed from the home to a place where he could get the professional help that he could not get from his parents.
I would be interested in knowing what heppened to the family. I have a friend who is an avid DP watcher..so i will ask her if she is familiar.
Thanks Jacobi. Sometimes we think love will solve everything, but it is just not always enough.

Just looked it up for you. The episode was entitled: "Is My Son A Sexual Predator?" (season 3 2004-2005). "Brad and Kenda brought their 19-year-old son, Mikai on the show"...

 

[JBean]

True statement, JBean.Love doesn't solve everything but it helps. Love looks deep into your eyes and melts your heart and gives you resolve. I don't know where that came from but I thought I would share.

I agree CP. Love is awesome. But it just doesn't "conquer all" as we wish it would. But it sure does help.

 

[JBean]

Just looked it up for you. The episode was entitled: "Is My Son A Sexual Predator?" (season 3 2004-2005). "Brad and Kenda brought their 19-year-old son, Mikai on the show"...

Thank you..what happenend what happened??

ETA: okay that gave me enough info to find it..I will read up on it. So heartbreaking.

 

[PrayersForMaura]

I agree with you and Amra. Adopting a child should be the same as having your own biological child. You love them unconditionally and if problems come up you get them help and you help them through it.

ETA: I wouldn't blame her for wanting him out of the house after what he did and she does have an obligation to the other children, but when she adopted him she also took on an obligation to him. I notice he does not want to be unadopted and he has a say at his age.

Rather than sending him to another foster home where they may not disclose his history (including the molestations) to the new foster parents, he really should be behind bars and in counselling. JMO. It would be nice if his adopted parents stood by him during all of this. Then there might be a chance that he is still young enough to be helped.

Well Scott Peterson's parents stood by him and they got nothing but grief.
Scott is an animal and perhaps this young man is too.

I guess I can see it both ways. How could you stop loving someone who is your child, no matter how awful they are?
But then again, how much do you invest -- emotionally and monetarily -- to get your child right? And then does he or she ever really change?

Look at the man who killed those Amish girls.... he claims he molested as a child and then look what he wound up doing!!!

Sometimes when they are young criminals, they grow up to be criminals. No parents can extinguish all the evil children.
It just happens.

 

[Jacobi]

Thank you..what happenend what happened??

ETA: okay that gave me enough info to find it..I will read up on it. So heartbreaking.

Hehe, I couldn't find anything except a small summary... maybe they left it open-ended? I dunno, will have to read some phil forums *shudder*

 

[JBean]

Well Scott Peterson's parents stood by him and they got nothing but grief.
Scott is an animal and perhaps this young man is too.

I guess I can see it both ways. How could you stop loving someone who is your child, no matter how awful they are?
But then again, how much do you invest -- emotionally and monetarily -- to get your child right? And then does he or she ever really change?

Look at the man who killed those Amish girls.... he claims he was molested as a child and then look what he wound up doing!!!

Sometimes when they are young criminals, they grow up to be criminals. No parents can extinguish all the evil children.
It just happens.

True enough PFM. I can tell you that I do know parents that do not like their children. These are not even children that are necessarily evil or criminal. They may be difficult, but mostly there is a clash in personalities that is not to be denied and that itself contributes to the child's poor behavior. Then many mothers feel deep guilt for not loving or liking their children, and that in turn feeds the insecurities and problems for the kids. It is a very sad situation.
Please..I am not saying this is ok..I am saying this defintiely happens to parents and children.


Jacobi:http://drphil.com/shows/show/485

 

[SewingDeb]

Well Scott Peterson's parents stood by him and they got nothing but grief.
Scott is an animal and perhaps this young man is too.

I guess I can see it both ways. How could you stop loving someone who is your child, no matter how awful they are?
But then again, how much do you invest -- emotionally and monetarily -- to get your child right? And then does he or she ever really change?

Look at the man who killed those Amish girls.... he claims he molested as a child and then look what he wound up doing!!!

Sometimes when they are young criminals, they grow up to be criminals. No parents can extinguish all the evil children.
It just happens.

Good point about Scott Peterson and his parents.

I don't mean one should be in denial but that when problems arise get professional help rather than wash your hands of them. If they have to be housed outside the home...so be it...but if they are your child you stand by them. This boy had been with them for many years. Perhaps these parents have done all of this and are just at the end of the rope...can't tell from the article.

If the guy who killed the Amish girls had been in therapy as a young kid (or even after his daughter was born prematurely and died) there is a possibilty it would not have come to this.

 

[felder]

Anyone who is appalled by this adoptive mother's decision should feel free to contact the state Family Services Division in LORTON, Va. and offer to take this child in. I don't say this lightly. I am single and have 2 adopted children that I got through foster care. Both are special needs. I got both of them as young children and both are over 21 now, but totally dependent upon me. One is sphizophrenic and mentally retarded and the other is learning disordered and hyperactive. Over the years people would ask me about adopting a child with disabilities and my response was always, you don't give away your biological child because they are disabled, the same is true when you adopt.

However, I have a friend who is single and has adopted over 12 "special needs" children over the last 20+ years. She is a great mother and her grown adopted children are all productive citizens. She adopted one child that she had to give back after years of trying to work with her. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

Please don't even consider giving an opinion on this topic unless you have adopted a "special needs" child.