Unadopting a Child...

[SewingDeb]

I'm going to be a total jerk here...but what difference does it make if they "throw" him away now and put him back into adoption? The kid is 15, and has clearly shown a propensity as a sexual offender. If he were 3 years older there wouldn't be ONE of you here in this forum who would suggest getting him counseling. I'm quite sure you would demand that he be thrown away in jail to rot...so with that said...why wait? Do it now. Once a molester, always a molester. Right?

You are correct Paladin. But putting him back into adoption where another family may unknowingly house a sex offender doesn't seem right either. I just posted a link to an article where the family knew about the molestations he was 12. That wouldn't be too young to try to turn his life around, imo, and since I'm still reading it I don't know if they sought help for him or not.

I may change my opinion once I have more facts.

 

[Malapoo]

I knew a family once who had 3 of their own kids and basically "disowned" one. Of course these were all kids in in college or older so a different situation, but they got absolutely crucified by a lot of folks for this. First of all they were very good parents both in public and behind closed doors. They fought long and hard for their troubled son (drugs, alcohol etc) and sought all sorts of help and support throughout to be sure they were doing all they could to try and save him. Eventually it led to stealing from parents and siblings and even threatening physical harm and believe me, the crowd he ran with were quite capable of even murder so they weren't "idle threats". When it reached the point where their two "good kids" were in danger and were suffering as a result, they told the bad son that while they would ALWAYS be ready to help when HE wanted to get his act together, he was not welcome in the home or contacting siblings who had turned their backs sooner then Mom and Dad for self preservation means. That was 30 years ago, and since he is back in the family after hitting rock bottom/jail time and a long hard battle with his demons.

But I'm not sure I'd give up or risk my grandson for a child molester. In 10 more years if he doesn't change his ways, he's Mark Karr who has received no love from anyone here. Certainly you'd love to see him saved and turned to a good path through life, and I understand the love and compassion from Moms and Dads here that this boy needs help, but at the same time I don't think those who say get rid of him are being inhuman or should be attacked for feeling that way. This boy was damaged by his life before finding a home and probably won't benefit from either getting back into the foster system or a group home, but I can't crucify a family for wanting to save "the larger number" from "the bad one". My heart aches for all involved.

 

[SewingDeb]

After reading the 4 page article it appears that when she first met this little boy he was in a psychiatric hospital. Even without all of the information, she should have known something from that. She took him in anyway and then went for adoption a year later. Either she bonded in a parental way with him at that time or she saw a way to get more money from the state by adopting a special needs child rather than just being his foster parent.

He has already been out of the home for a long time. I think it comes down to the fact that now she has to pay the state $427.00 a month for child support but will not have to do that if she unadopts.

Does that put a different light on this one?

 

[Linda7NJ]

That is pretty awful since he is not a criminal pedophile he was a 12 year old.
BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE!

This is different then an adult.

I just need to step away from this topic till tomorrow.

I stayed out of this discussion as long as I could...

I was a foster parent for years. I adopted two children, one I had since birth and another child age 11. I finalized both adoptions on the same day. A few months later I discovered the older child was a sadistic sexual perpetrator.

I took him to the hospital crisis center, charges were filed against him. I refused to pick him up. I did get him into a residential treatment facility for sex offenders. I paid thousands out of pocket for psy evals, neuro evals and sex offender evaluations. My husbands insurance wouldn't pay because no doctor ordered the tests nor would the state insurance.

I soon discovered through discovery that this "child" had brutally sexually assaulted a long list of younger male & female victims. He had lots of foster placements and the state would just keep moving him around. Never warning foster parents what he was doing.

This is an 11 year old that never talked back, was outgoing, bright and from all outward appearances seemed normal & loving. I am not a stupid person. I never expected a "perfect" child. But dammit, I think I should have been informed that he was a psychopathic sadistic sexual predator! Don't ya think?

I understand adoption is supposed to be forever. Sometimes it just isn't. You can not expect adoptive parents to "love" a child like that. Biological parents don't always know how their children will turn out. True, but biological parents do know the history of the parents.

An adoptive parent opens their heart and home and should at minimum be told all of the child's known history.

I did what I needed to do by getting this kid help, then I relinquished parental rights. I needed to do what was best for the rest of my family.

 

[SewingDeb]

I stayed out of this discussion as long as I could...

I was a foster parent for years. I adopted two children, one I had since birth and another child age 11. I finalized both adoptions on the same day. A few months later I discovered the older child was a sadistic sexual perpetrator.

I took him to the hospital crisis center, charges were filed against him. I refused to pick him up. I did get him into a residential treatment facility for sex offenders. I paid thousands out of pocket for psy evals, neuro evals and sex offender evaluations. My husbands insurance wouldn't pay because no doctor ordered the tests nor would the state insurance.

I soon discovered through discovery that this "child" had brutally sexually assaulted a long list of younger male & female victims. He had lots of foster placements and the state would just keep moving him around. Never warning foster parents what he was doing.

This is an 11 year old that never talked back, was outgoing, bright and from all outward appearances seemed normal & loving. I am not a stupid person. I never expected a "perfect" child. But dammit, I think I should have been informed that he was a psychopathic sadistic sexual predator! Don't ya think?

I understand adoption is supposed to be forever. Sometimes it just isn't. You can not expect adoptive parents to "love" a child like that. Biological parents don't always know how their children will turn out. True, but biological parents do know the history of the parents.

An adoptive parent opens their heart and home and should at minimum be told all of the child's known history.

I did what I needed to do by getting this kid help, then I relinquished parental rights. I needed to do what was best for the rest of my family.

They should have told you everything. It is criminal not to, imo. I think you did what you could for him but he was beyond help...probably before you ever got him. I can see relinquishing parental rights under those circumstances. I wonder where they placed him after that and did they inform the new foster parents of what he was capable of?

 

[GlitchWizard]

Linda - do you follow what happened to him after you got him into help? Not judging, just curious.

 

[Linda7NJ]

They should have told you everything. It is criminal not to, imo. I think you did what you could for him but he was beyond help...probably before you ever got him. I can see relinquishing parental rights under those circumstances. I wonder where they placed him after that and did they inform the new foster parents of what he was capable of?

Based on the psy evals and the J-SOAP scale, I know he spent two years in the RTC. HOWEVER.....He's a very charming kid and unfortunately was able to pull the wool over many of his therapists there. IMO It just made him even more dangerous. They taught him how to "act" more normal.

I have no idea where he is now. He'll be 15 at the end of this month. God help the young children whose path he crosses

 

[Linda7NJ]

Linda - do you follow what happened to him after you got him into help? Not judging, just curious.

I can't. I have no legal standing and everything is considered confidential. I would love to know where he is for my families own safety. I still live in fear he will return and carry out his sick promise that he made when he found out he wouldn't be coming back

 

[Linda7NJ]

They should have told you everything. It is criminal not to, imo. I think you did what you could for him but he was beyond help...probably before you ever got him. I can see relinquishing parental rights under those circumstances. I wonder where they placed him after that and did they inform the new foster parents of what he was capable of?

All of the experts that examined him told me "off the record" he was beyond help.

 

[2luvmy]

Linda, I hope that his threat never comes true. Bless you for trying to help.

I am considering becoming a foster parent, but am still going over it in my head - have been for the last 2 years. My main issue is the safety and security of my children. I have several questions about foster parenting, so if those of you that are would like to help me out, please PM me since I don't want to take away from this thread.

Thanks!

 

[michelle]

I stayed out of this discussion as long as I could...

I was a foster parent for years. I adopted two children, one I had since birth and another child age 11. I finalized both adoptions on the same day. A few months later I discovered the older child was a sadistic sexual perpetrator.

I took him to the hospital crisis center, charges were filed against him. I refused to pick him up. I did get him into a residential treatment facility for sex offenders. I paid thousands out of pocket for psy evals, neuro evals and sex offender evaluations. My husbands insurance wouldn't pay because no doctor ordered the tests nor would the state insurance.

I soon discovered through discovery that this "child" had brutally sexually assaulted a long list of younger male & female victims. He had lots of foster placements and the state would just keep moving him around. Never warning foster parents what he was doing.

This is an 11 year old that never talked back, was outgoing, bright and from all outward appearances seemed normal & loving. I am not a stupid person. I never expected a "perfect" child. But dammit, I think I should have been informed that he was a psychopathic sadistic sexual predator! Don't ya think?

I understand adoption is supposed to be forever. Sometimes it just isn't. You can not expect adoptive parents to "love" a child like that. Biological parents don't always know how their children will turn out. True, but biological parents do know the history of the parents.

An adoptive parent opens their heart and home and should at minimum be told all of the child's known history.

I did what I needed to do by getting this kid help, then I relinquished parental rights. I needed to do what was best for the rest of my family.

You should have been told of all his history. That is flat out wrong! I dont blame you one bit for getting him out of your house. I would not want the rest of my family to be put in danger. I hope he never comes around you all again. It has to be very scary.

 

[CyberLaw]

This women is in the business of Foster Care, this is financially motivated, she has to pay child support to a child that she "wants to wash" her hands of and "throw" back into the system.

I just think that when she adopted him some time ago that she "had stars" in her eyes and "thought" that she could "fix" him, or "paid no mind" to the actual facts.

I have meet people like that, she was already emotionally attached to him, I don't think any amount of telling her something was "then going to change her mind. She had already decided to adopt him.

Now that everything has gone south, she just wants to "unlove" him and him to "unlove" her, have him gone, out of the "routine" of the last six years, like it never happened.

This women just wants her life to be "normal" again, and so she can continue to "foster" other kids and get paid for it.

The easy way out..........if intervention is done now, the boy may be saved and helped because I don't blame him for being angry.

Not one bit, and a angry, confused, frustrated, abused young man can't be a good thing for anyone.

But all in all, she sees this as "he is going" to affect my income, so I want him out. I adopted him so I can't give him back, so I will just tell them that "he is too much" and they "lied" then I will blame them for my "bad" and give him back to the 'system" let them deal with him.

Now she find out she has to pay for him, well I am sure that did not go over well, so she says "what they did is tantamount" to Fraud, I think the people are all responsible both the agency and "Mom" should work together and do what is best for this young man and everyone involved, the boy can live out of the house, still visit keep up ties, "Mom" can visit, at least make the boy feel loved.

The only motive to "unadopt" him is to not pay child support. People are not commodities, "you just cannot return them if you are not happy", there is no "money back guarantee" with kids, you hope for the best, and get them the help they need when there is a serious problem.

The adult made the choice to adopt him, the adult "knew or should have known" that this child would have "issues" because she would have been told the standard information that he has been in "Foster Homes" for years, and "now denies" this.

She would have to ask for information too, be pro active.

My side if for the kid. I feel for him, big time and this women is in the press, well where is the interview with this kid, how does he feel.

He has no blame in this, all of the "adults" in his life have "messed" him up, up to and including his "I want to give him back" so called "Mom".

 

[2luvmy]

The only motive to "unadopt" him is to not pay child support. People are not commodities, "you just cannot return them if you are not happy", there is no "money back guarantee" with kids, you hope for the best, and get them the help they need when there is a serious problem.

Every parent is starry eyed over the prospect of a bright future for their family and children.

I still think that even if her giving back the boy is motivated by money, you can't deny the fact that information was with held, and that there are other children to protect. What about the foster children she has? What about the bond she has formed with them. Are they supposed to be uprooted now?

There are also plenty of instances where people have divorced spouses or given up children to get them the proper care they needed.

 

[Masissy]

Every parent is starry eyed over the prospect of a bright future for their family and children.

I still think that even if her giving back the boy is motivated by money, you can't deny the fact that information was with held, and that there are other children to protect. What about the foster children she has? What about the bond she has formed with them. Are they supposed to be uprooted now?

There are also plenty of instances where people have divorced spouses or given up children to get them the proper care they needed.

Excellent way of putting it. I agree 100%.

 

[Amraann]

Divorcing your spouse in no way reflects the same as giving up your child.

Maybe some think so ... But I do not. Your child is your child and should come before anything. Adopted or birth child all the same.

There is sooo much that could be said about this thread.

Lynda I hear what your saying. I think you did make the effort to get him help but I don't really agree with turning him back over.

This child could be put into a facility.
Everyone keeps posting about the danger this child poses to others..
Does the word supervision mean anything????
Most likely the only time this child felt loved was when he was molested.
As sad and as sick as that is.
That was his positive attention.
As a parent she is responsible for keeping her other children safe and helping this one.
Its NOT one or the other. Putting this child in juvie hall is not a grand solution. Your only exposing him to more criminal ideas.

Does no one understand this is a child just like that baby you all pray for on the other threads.
When does that notion change?? When he is an incovenience?

I take serious issue as well to all those children who are of age and just left on their own.
Clearly many foster parents are not mimics of real parents when they stop getting the check.

I would take this child. I have 4 children and raised 3 others before them.
I would take him and ensure not only did he recieve help but that my others were safe.
Would that be easy?? I doubt it. But that is parenting. You find a way to do it even if no one else has before you.

I am going to say this and I am sure to hear flack for it...... Children DO engage in sexual play. None of us are comfortable with this. I certainly am not.
BUt it is a reality. Children are curious and it does not stop where we adults have drawn appropriate lines.
At what point do we call it molestation??
Is it when one child is older? But maybe that child is severely emotionally imature?
I am NOT justifying this at all..
But I just mean this is what children do if left unsupervised.
The reality is parents should never leave children unattended that long.
ANY children.
You never know if the child yours is friends with has been exposed to these things or if they will bring up the "lets play Dr" topic.
Like Adults some may and some may not.

 

[jilly]

I don't believe this mother. Maybe when she first took him on as a foster child she was given limited info, but when she applied for adoption it was a whole new ball game and social services were obligated to give her complete details.

My parents similarly adopted my younger brother who had been in 6 foster homes by the time he was 18 months and they received a full report on his foster care and parents and this was back in the 60s when info was very limited. Plus it sounds like this woman was in the fostering business and she would have had the means to get more information imo.

I think she probably knew the kid had problems but thought she could deal with them. It wasn't until he was declared a "sexual predator" that her fostering income was cut off that she decided to turf him out.

I feel so sorry for this boy. Not only was his given up by his birth parents (which alone can affect any child) but he was subsequently turfed out of 5 other homes. Poor kid - won't give his consent - trying to hang on to this mother who doesn't want him. It breaks my heart. If she is such a great foster mother winning all these awards she wouldn't be choosing this path imo. Her income means more than this child. JMO.

 

[michelle]

I think her fear that he may Molest other kids is why she is turning him out. I would not feel comfortable with him in my house around other kids either.

 

[OneLostGrl]

I think her fear that he may Molest other kids is why she is turning him out.

This child's life while in foster care was hell and he thought he was done with that- thought he was loved... but now that he is thrown away, as usual, I bet he now will continue this behavior. I'm sure he is thinking "Why not?? No one loves me anyway".

Ya know all the stories we read here about infants and children being sexually abused? Why does everyone feel bad for them and not for what this poor kid obviously lived through? Don't get me wrong, as I said before, he needs to be out of the house getting help but he was an abused child once too!

 

[michelle]

This child's life while in foster care was hell and he thought he was done with that- thought he was loved... but now that he is thrown away, as usual, I bet he now will continue this behavior. I'm sure he is thinking "Why not?? No one loves me anyway".

Ya know all the stories we read here about infants and children being sexually abused? Why does everyone feel bad for them and not for what this poor kid obviously lived through? Don't get me wrong, as I said before, he needs to be out of the house getting help but he was an abused child once too!

I never said that I dont feel sorry or bad for him. All I am saying is I dont blame the woman for her choice. He is 15 from what the article says I believe, dont you think he is old enough to know that Molesting is Wrong! I mean I understand people being abused and thats all they know how to do but come on, he needs therapy and hopefully he can change. I am not blaming this woman for everything.

 

[IrishMist]

This child's life while in foster care was hell and he thought he was done with that- thought he was loved... but now that he is thrown away, as usual, I bet he now will continue this behavior. I'm sure he is thinking "Why not?? No one loves me anyway".

Ya know all the stories we read here about infants and children being sexually abused? Why does everyone feel bad for them and not for what this poor kid obviously lived through? Don't get me wrong, as I said before, he needs to be out of the house getting help but he was an abused child once too!

Gotta agree with ya, OneLostGrl.