The Fantasy Bond
"The Fantasy Bond is a form of self-parenting and self-protection that offers an illusion of pseudo-independence at the expense of real relating."
The more we learn about her the more relevance this has - will repost
The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship
Defenses formed in childhood hurt adult relationships.
Many struggles we face in our current interpersonal relationships arise from a core defense formed in childhood known as the “fantasy bond.” Maybe you're wondering why you're losing the "spark" between you and your partner or why you can't seem to stop worrying about your kids. You may be surprised to learn that what's really at the root of these frustrating dynamics is a fantasy bond. As the central concept of my father, Dr. Robert Firestone’s, theory, the fantasy bond describes an illusion of fusion we originally form with our parent or primary caretaker. This fantasy of being at one with our caretaker acts as a defense, helping relieve anxiety and emotional pain at times of distress. However, as we grow up, this very defense system limits our ability to pursue or accept real love and connection. Understanding this defense can be life-changing. Here, I share a brief guide to the fantasy bond that can shed light into how this type of bond forms, goes on to limit our lives, and how we can takes steps to break free of the destructive elements of our current relationships.
How fantasy bonds develop
The fantasy bond is a primitive defense mechanism that we developed in early childhood as a way of maintaining an illusion of safety and security at those times when we experienced overwhelming frustration, hurt, or even terror. Infants have a natural ability to comfort themselves by using images and memories of past feeding experiences to ward off the anxiety of being temporarily separated from their mothers. Fantasy helps reduce feelings of hunger and frustration. The child’s illusion of connection compensates or substitutes for inadequacies in the early environment. In an attempt to cope with the emotional pain and restore a feeling of comfort, infants merge with their primary caretaker (often the mother) in their imagination, magically believing they are one with that person — feeling like the all powerful parent and the helpless infant, all in one. This fantasy of being connected to another can give a child an illusion of safety, even immortality, which later helps him or her cope with existential realizations and fears.
Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.
The nature of a fantasy bond is the central concept of my theory as explained in my book THE FANTASY BOND. It explains people's compulsion to relive the past with new relationships i.e., to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in childhood. This process of reverting to outmoded defense patterns interferes with the establishment of secure and satisfying adult relationships characterized by feelings of humanity, compassion, and equality. Once a fantasy bond is formed, individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others. Once having been hurt, they are reluctant to take a chance again and this defensive pattern has an insidious effect on couple and family relations.
Men and women are most likely to become romantically involved at a stage in their lives where they are breaking dependent emotional ties with their families and experiencing a sense of separateness and independence. As they reach out and risk more of themselves emotionally, they tend to attract others with their vitality and enthusiasm. In the first stages of the relationship, they tend to let down their defenses and are open and vulnerable.
While this state of being in love is volatile and exciting, at the same time it can be frightening. The fear of loss or abandonment as well as the poignant sadness often evoked by positive emotions may become difficult to tolerate, especially for those who have suffered from a lack of love in their early lives. At the point these individuals begin to feel anxious or frightened, they retreat from feeling close, gradually giving up the most valued aspects of their relationships, forming a fantasy bond.
By the time most people reach adulthood, they have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances, there is a deterioration in friendly and respectful feelings as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, because the new love object now threatens to disrupt this balance by penetrating their basic defenses.
While people may be comfortable casually criticizing their parents as adults, as children, it may have felt scary to be critical of one’s caretakers. People rely on their parents for survival, and at times, a parent’s
neglect or hostility might have felt terrifying, even life-threatening to the child. Part of the formation of a fantasy bond involves young children learning to self-parent, both soothing and punishing themselves in similar ways to the parent. Children identify with and internalize the ways the parent saw and treated them. They may try to preserve an idealized image of the parent by seeing themselves critically. As they grow up, they uphold an, often
unconscious, internalized connection to their parent in the following ways:
- Idealizing their parents and family — i.e. “My parents were great. There was just something wrong with me.”
- Maintaining a negative image of themselves — Many people develop a “critical inner voice,” a negative thought process, which, like an internal parent, coaches, critiques, and comments on them, as they live our lives, i.e. “I’ve always been too much for other people to handle. No one could love me.”
- Projecting negative parental qualities and behaviors onto others — Without realizing it, we can project qualities of our parents onto the people we get close to throughout our lives. “She’s going to leave you. You can’t trust her.” “He’s critical of you. See how he looks at you.”
- Recreating negative family dynamics in adult relationships — People may choose to get close to others who remind them of their past. Or, they may distort, and even provoke, the people close to them to recreate old, familiar, albeit negative, dynamics.
- Reliving their parents’ life rather than living their own — Many people find it hard to differentiate and live their lives on their own terms. They continue to listen to the “voice” inside their heads that doesn’t always represent their real point of view.
- Maintaining psychological defenses that were adaptive as children but that limit them as adults — The psychological defenses someone formed in childhood to make them feel safe and secure are hard to shake later in life, even when these defenses are no longer adaptive. Defenses often go on to limit individuals in their lives and interpersonal relationships. For example, if they used to shut down to avoid punishment or would cling to the parent to get soothed, they may carry these patterns into their adult relationships, when they actually serve to create distance, rather than bring people closer.
Fantasy bonds in our adult relationships
Though a fantasy bond is established early in life as a way to feel safe and connected, especially when one’s parents weren’t available or nurturing their needs, people go on to recreate these bonds in their adult relationships as a way to feel protected. As Dr. Robert Firestone wrote, “Most people have fears of
intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond.” This bond replaces the substance of a loving relationship with the form of being a unit. It keeps people at a comfortable distance emotionally, while maintaining a sense of oneness with their partner that allows them to feel an, often false, sense of security.
So, what interactions between a couple represent the difference between real love and a fantasy bond? As you look at these dynamics, remember that a fantasy bond exists along a continuum, and most of us fall somewhere on the spectrum in our relationships. Identifying that you and/or your partner have some of these behaviors doesn’t mean you should panic and throw away your relationship. Rather, realizing the degree to which you may relate in limiting ways can help you and your partner shift these dynamics and reestablish a loving connection.
Very interesting -- align with his presentation! Presenter typically presents the information that is most (choices are being made constantly when preparing a presentation--whats in it what is not !)
relevant to them:
- Notice withholding patterns — Have they stopped doing things their partner loved or giving their partner attention?
- Recognize feelings of anger and hostility as well as any critical attitudes they have toward themselves and their partner — Are they especially irritable with each other, picking each other apart and looking for fuel to be critical?
- Notice withholding patterns — Have they stopped doing things their partner loved or giving their partner attention?
- Face the psychological pain and sadness involved in attempting to reestablish intimacy — Challenging defenses and getting close to someone can make life more precious. It can also break fantasy connections from the past. If someone loves you in a way you never felt loved, for example, it forces you to face the pain of that initial hurt.
- Expose their fears of individuation and separation — A person may have to face that he or she has fear around becoming their own person. The false sense of security they get from a fantasy bond may not be available when they see themselves and the other person as independent individuals.
- Move toward independence and respect for each other/ Establish true equality — People have to disrupt any patterns of dominance, submission, and defiance in order to offer each other mutual respect and equality as well as genuine attraction.
- Develop a non-defensive posture toward feedback and an open and honest style of communication
- Move toward increased interaction with others — This involves extending a person’s social circle of family and friends, so they have additional support and perspectives
The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship
A Guide to the Fantasy Bond
Fantasy bond - Wikipedia
The Fantasy Bond | The Glendon Association