I finished reading the phone convo section. Just as gitana1 wrote out the lyrics to a song in an earlier comment (threads ago) this is what CW did after disposing of his family. Gitana, You were so accurate it is amazing.
Someone said he was a shell of a person, exactly. He had to Google how to love & how to write a love letter, had to supply the words for that letter with lyrics from songs, he completely became the image of whoever his partner wanted him to be, their interests became his facade.
I said earlier that Shan'ann, because of her kind heart, might have tried to fix that "family", CW's family, and she did. She tried so hard! CW and his parents are vile, they tried to squash her emotionally and when they couldn't they rallied around to bash her with their words. They are despicable.
To Shan'ann's family, I am so sorry that they ever had access to your daughter and grand babies. They seem to feel zero remorse or culpability for the way they treated them. I think that all of us here wish that we could have kept Shan'ann and her children safe, you must wish this too, but don't carry that load, please. She was up against something that could not have been foreseen, not by people who think logically and have real emotions, like love and compassion, empathy. CW is defective, his family structure is defective, they don't see reality in the way that normal people do. Shan'ann did the right thing by pushing back and trying to get them to change, no one could know how all of this was adding up in CW's sadistic brain.
I am going to go against the idea that we cannot ever predict these things. If we think normally and as people with well-formed identities and healthy emotions, we cannot. But, if we have enough guidance to tell us what signs to look for in the families that we conjoin with our own, maybe we can begin to understand that we cannot always make excuses for the irrational behavior of others. Maybe we can show our kids to really listen to and obey their inner voice that tells them: You are not being valued, this could get worse very quickly, it's ok to walk away, NOW. It might help in certain instances. I don't know how else to defend against this type of enmeshment.
Kind people are born to be kind, like Shan'ann. People who are used to this type of emotional abuse are sometimes more tolerant of it in their (ex, ha) spouse, like myself (not anymore). There are so very many people who sociopaths and narcissists can manipulate. It sucks.
No "normal" person assumes their spouse will do this, but after reading all of these pages and pages of texts I can tell you that if I had a brother with personality defects, I would provide that safe space for his wife and kids. I would be the one to say, you know, if it doesn't seem ok, let me help you, you could be very right about my brother, maybe you aren't safe with him. Recognizing the personality traits of these disorders is the first step for immediate family members. Usually at least one of us sees that our family is messed the heck up! We need to open our heart to this idea, and even if we don't see it in ourselves (narcissism, sociopathy) we need to be open to what our kids tell us about ourselves.
There will always be the wild card, the person who annihilates their family in broad daylight, but it seems like those are less common (educate me; are they?). I don't know, Websleuths people, how else do we protect our children and grandchildren from this? CW's parents are so typical of this type of familial disorder, even the nuts incident rang true for what I have seen of my own parents. I think extended family needs to step up at some point and do as much as they can to shed light on the dynamics that are destroying lives. CW was at fault for his own actions. Maybe we can make it obvious who the CW's of the world are if we speak up.
