I understand where you are coming from. I have a sister that once she lost custody, she acted like she didnt care as much. She paid her child support...but she used to piss me off when she would lie to her kids as they were teens when this happened, she'd make up lies about having to go into work, so she could get out of the visit to go do something else that was more important...and later justify it. I never checked her on it then because she would get defensive and try to justify it. We are close now, and now she's developing a relationship with them. And I had sister in laws who where very loving and caring to their kids, crappy housewives, they were better mothers to their kids than my own sister was to hers.
I have a stepmom and a few years ago, her and my dad were renewing their wedding vows after 25 years, that day was also her birthday, I gave her a card and in it I asked her if it would be okay to call her mom. That made her feel really good. She doesnt replace my real mom, but it has to do....because at the time, I was still raw with emotions over my own mother choosing her husband over the rest of the family. My stepmom is a nice person, she has good boundaries, even to this day, she says she has her own thoughts, but will never say anything bad about my own mom, because she knows our mother is co-dependant and in denial of what our stepfather put the family thru. She has good boundaries. And I am so glad I was given a good step mom. And my dad, he's a keeper, never even yelled at us once. My stepfather was very abusive.So therefore, even tho I ache everyday for my mother to change, I know I am blessed. As I think your stepkids are blessed to have someone who will stick up for them. It's sad that you cant heal their wounds, you can only do your best to be their friend and a good shoulder.
Some families are so screwed up. Kids can get the short end of the stick on either side. Although, I have heard of some divorced couples maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of their kids.....like my oldest brother, he took the kids every weekend, not every other. He is a good dad, and he never fought with his ex wife in front of the kids, he owed her $34k in back child support when she passed away from Cancer 2 years ago. She never once took him to court. In her will, she left each of her kids a trust fund from the proceeds of the house and a notorized letter forgiving his back CS. His new wife appreciated that I'm sure. LOL, okay I liked his ex wife better than his new wife- talk about motives!
I guess I can fairly say I see your points. Its hard being in your shoes. I have never been a stepmother, I totally realize you are in a damned if you dont and damned if you do position. I applaud you for doing it,,,,it must of been a burden on your heart to witness their pain. Anytime you see kids not getting their needs met, is hard to bear. I got mad alot when I saw how selfish some parents can be. And I realize how hard stepparents have it.
That said, each family has to be looked upon individually. Not all mothers who lost their children are of the same mold, that leaves your heart bitter. I see Mothers at the shelter, crying their eyes out when they bring in their little ones with apparent bruises and internal scars from their dads, and they lost custody simply out of ignorance, and the courts wont do anything because they dont have an education or a home environment where they can take their children to.
I got a call in the middle of the night from a woman who've I developed a relationship with outside of the shelter. She was just needing a friend, some courage to get her thru another day of court, today.....she has been fighting the system to get her girls back in her arms for 2 years.....she lost custody. I read thru her documents with her and it was clear the magestrate did not consider the father had mulitple times crossed the line, within reason, she didnt have proof he was being abusive to them, they were too little to speak for themselves. Anyway, some of the things I read, was so strikingly similar to this case. Only now, she has come to the right place to find the right resources to do it right this time...with education & support; Crystal can get those children back if she really wanted too. Thats entirely her choice.
BTW, the courts dont make ruling based on your appearence. In many cases, the dont really look at you in the first place.
