Your post sounds wonderful on the suface but it is missing some vital information. The machanics of domestic violence/abuse are much more complicated than this post depicts. In the beginning an abuser presents as Prince Charming he/she woos the future victim and goes above and beyond to win them over. They are passionate and considerate, fulfilling wishes and dreams like no one ever has before. Giving the future victim a false sense of safety and comfort. Once the victim is in the trap, a process begins of making the future victim totally dependent on them and separating them from family and friends who could be a support system.
None of this occurs overnight. It is a slow steady process that is almost imperceptible to the victim.(often only seen in retrospect) In this honeymoon phase they are wonderful with the children (there are often children as they make controlling the victim easier), so very attentive and generous. It starts small, the insults and put downs beginning to erode self confidence. If it wasnt for me you would lose your head type moments. What would you do without me? Moving to, you just cant do anything right. Once the victim has been separated from those who could help and their self esteem eroded the real game begins.
The I didnt mean to hurt you phase. Begins with the playful pinch that bruises or the finger thumped on the chest to make a point. Eventually leading to the first violent outburst. This will be the first time the victim is choked, hit, punched, kicked, or cut. (Biting probably occurred earlier) After this first incident the abuser will apologize profusely, often with gifts and always with some sort of promise to kill or do self harm rather than risk ever hurting the victim again.There will be begging and pleading for forgiveness and the interjection that the victim somehow made them do it. The victim, having never seen this frog side of their Prince Charming begins to believe that they must be somehow responsible for this behavior. So they forgive.
Once the abuser has weathered the initial storm things begin to move faster. They become more critical and demanding. They fast track the erosion of any remaining self confidence the victim has and now they have managed to isolate them, there is no support system to help. The next violent outburst will come soon. It will be worse. It will be followed by the same tearful apology perhaps with treats of suicide to keep it from happening again. The blame will lie squarely on the victim. The victim somehow made the abuser do it. They must be right because the victim believes they could not have been that wrong about the person they fell in love with. The Prince Charming they knew could not have been this ugly violent little person, so it must be something they did that was the cause. Once the victim appears to have forgiven the abuser the behavior will change, yet again. Now along with the increased criticism and demands with be the threats. If you ever left me threats, the ones that start closing off all thoughts of escape because now it isnt a matter of leaving, it would be an escape.
The threats cover a lot of territory, they will take the children away, they will make sure the victim never sees the children again, the victim would be killed before being allowed to leave and my favorite the No matter how long it takes I will hunt you down threat. The fact that the victim usually has little to no access to significant financial assists, or support system, and has been psychologically groomed to lose self-confidence and esteem as well as problem solving skills and the threats are real. Up until this point the children have usually been doated upon by the abuser again giving the victim a false sense of security. How could they take the children away from a parent or parental figure who seems to treat them so well, who loves them and is loved by the children. But........
It is a false sense of security because just as sure as the apologies followed early outbursts the children will become a target. It too will start small. The discipline that went just over the line. Not far but just enough to test the victims response. Enough to see if they are totally in the control of the abuser. Of course the apologies follow and the excuses and it doesnt appear that big of a deal. The play that got too rough the little tap that made the child fall. Nothing the victim could see as intentional. It too will increase as the abuser sees he victim is unable to see it for what it really is. Now the threats include secrets, if you ever tell anyone they wont believe you. You will lose the children. They build until the treats become I will kill the children before you or anyone could take them away from me.
The victims biggest fear is now not their own life but that this monster could get the children and without the victim there to intercede, to try to protect them, god knows what might happen to them. It becomes an inner battle of how to keep the children the safest. In sight where the victim can and does actually put themselves in harms way to try to protect them or take the risk that if they leave, the abuser could and would make good on threats. Life is now 2 tiered. On one hand when life with the abuser is not violent the children are well taken care of and life can be good until something sets the abuser off on the next tirade. The incidents may come often and consistently result in the same level of violence and minor injuries or they can get longer periods of time between incidents and the degree of violence and injuries increase.
Anyone, man woman or child caught up in the horrible cycle of abuse as a victim should not be expected to have the same rational thoughts and abilities to escape as someone who has had the good fortune to not have suffered this fate. It is easy to armchair quarterback how easy the decision to leave should be. I hope that those who have such narrow vision of just how easy that decision should be never has to find out first hand the sad hard truth. I hope that those who can be so judgemental never have a daughter or sister or someone they love in this situation. It is true that until the victim reaches a certain point you can not force help upon them. Just like the alcoholic who is in the control of the disease and cant be helped until they want it. A victim of abuse cant be helped until they believe help is possilbe. They have to believe that leaving IS a safer, better choice than staying with the monster they know.
Different things can give that hope back to victims. Some never find the point where hope returns. Many die at the hands of their abuser, many more wish they would and some lose one or more children to them. It is not a choice of keeping a man over their children. It is simply survival. I dont know if the mother was a victim of Domestic violence in this case. All I know is when I read through her FB early on I saw indicators, not proof just indicators that it could be a possibility. If that is the case I hope she gets all of the counseling and help possible to move to a place of good mental health that will help her move. forward in her life and grieve the lives taken (yes iives, victims are just the walking dead without help). If she was not, then she needs to be prosecuted for her part in whatever actually happened to Mariah.
I know how hard the decision to escape is and how difficult and long that climb back to the living is. Fortunately, I had that moment of clarity and hope that allowed my daughter and I to escape a long time ago. I no longer see abuse every place I look and am willing to see not all relationships include abuse. Everytime a parent or parental figure is involved in the unnatural death of a child I no longer automatically assume Domestic Violence is to blame. However, I do understand it is more likely to have occurred in these situations and needs to be evaluated as a possibility.
People who know me now and didnt way back in my darker days can not believe that the outspoken, independant, Grouchymom of today could have ever been such a meek cowed down victim in my past. A wise woman told me when I needed it most that the best way to get even was to get ahead and I was fortunate enough after a few years of finding myself to find a husband that was supportive, patient, understanding and willing to help me on the path moving forrward to strength and self worth. (Although I am sure there have been times I the last 25 years he wished I was a little less outspoken LOL )
JMHO