LEARNING TO CUSS
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with he// and you say something with azz".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, he//, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs
upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear
with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay
there until I let you out!"
(This happened when parents used to discipline their kids. Of course, today
the kid would call the cops and have the mother arrested.)
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your azz it won't be Cheerios"!
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Miracle Pills
Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical
science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle,
Viagra.
The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.
The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of
Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."
The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man.
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Late Doctors Appointment
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know
that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your
excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such
order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
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Three Doctors in Heaven
Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an
accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head.
"Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here," said St. Peter.
"But, St. Peter, surely you recognise me!" the first doctor exclaimed. "I
developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through
my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we
just have to let you in. Come on -- we'll make room somehow."
"And I know you recognise me, St. Peter," the second doctor said. "I
developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with
medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in.
Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies.
Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the
doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and
then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can only stay
3 days."
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Cat Competition
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,
the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square
pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out
a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8
ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on
sick leave. :cat: