F.F. and E.F.
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered: "Your mother wants to eat first!"
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Work or Prison?
In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, they are called managers.
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Success is:
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 16, success is having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 35, success is having money.
At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.
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Give me the medical term
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said: "Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Get out
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"
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Cut it off
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand.
The doctor examines him and says: "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies: "Yes, a few in the USA."
The doctor says: "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods: "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
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Sauna
Three men are sitting (wrapped in towels) in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
Tim presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager, " he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
Max lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains: "That's my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."
Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his butt.
The others raise their eyebrows.
Invoking the best poker face he can muster, he explains: "I'm getting a Fax."
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs.
I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
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Male dancer
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his *advertiser censored**, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
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Jumps over to the window
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. One hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and
float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!", exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!." So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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Talk to me, please!
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked: "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Please, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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A jar of olives
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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These are my pet fish
A man was stopped by a game warden in Ontario recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man: "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden: "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
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Tech Support
Tech Support: Now Bob, type the 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "Where is it?"
TS: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
TS: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!"
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Keep calm, Monika
In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies.
When the woman told she couldn't have any, the girl began to cry.
The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Monika, don't scream Monika, don't be upset Monika, don't yell Monika, keep calm Monika."
A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica!"
The mother replied: "I'm Monica!
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A big sale
It was the day of the big sale.
Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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Titanic
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic.
On that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began to sink.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats."
Carter said, "Women first."
Nixon said, "Screw the women."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
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eace:
I just had to tell my DH about the cars going around the track. LOL he is into NASCAR. It's all good!
