Describe Your Wife
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
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One Sunday a 10 year old boy was standing in the church entrance staring at a memorial of fallen veterans from the congregation.
The pastor walked up to the boy and asked "Can I help you son?" The boy asked the pastor "who where these men?"
The pastor plied that "they all died in the service." The boy asked "which one the 8 o'clock or the 10 o'clock?"
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
What do you think youre doing? asks the wife.
Theyre on sale, only $20 for 24 cans he replies.
Put them back, we cant afford them, demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think youre doing? asks the husband.
Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of beer, and its half the price.
Thats him over in Aisle 5
Link:
https://aqu52.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/man-down-in-aisle.jpg?w=600
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Dr. Bumbutu
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely *advertiser censored* if she didnt recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutus?
Yes I am. How did you know?
He winked and whispered, Hickory dickory dock.
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Crazy Patients
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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Cremate Me
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
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Beautiful
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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The Faith Healer
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
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Breast Enlargement
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your azz."
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Link:
http://buzz50.com/media/kunena/attachments/7773/image_2015-04-17-3.jpg
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Link:
https://aqu52.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/tumblr_njb8k2pieq1twrbr9o1_r2_500.gif?w=600
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