The First Funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."
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Darn women drivers!
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds...
to continue shaving and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And
I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against the steering wheel,
It knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs!
Splashed, and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
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Car Accident Reports Filed for Insurance Companies
• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
• "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
• "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
• "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
• "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
• "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
• "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
• "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
• "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
• "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
• "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
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Two men are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have
sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aww, dad gum it!! says his friend, "and I just
joined the Knights of Columbus!"
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Two Old Ladies
Two old ladies are sitting on the porch of the Old Ladies Home. One is paging through a copy of Cosmopolitan a visitor had left behind.
"This magazine is full of smut! Nothing but smut! Look at this! Disgraceful! Six pages about mutual orgasm! Edna, did you and Harvey have mutual orgasm?"
"No, I think we had State Farm."
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Waiting Room
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
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Leaving Hell
Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."
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Cigarettes and Peanuts
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
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Slide Under The Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
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A Trashy Career
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
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Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
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Link:
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Link:
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Link:
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