The Steenkamps are much better people than I.
Ive always tried to see the good in people (sometimes to my terrible detriment) but if someone seriously, irretrievably ####s me over, Im DONE. Im not the vengeful type but Im not at all forgiving of betrayal, abuse or psychopaths. One man taught me that brutal lesson long ago. Married at 19, I was a trusting, naive babe in the woods. My abusive ex was my first experience with men.
ONCE I did very seriously consider murder in defense of my life.
My vicious, violent ex was a bitter, messed-up, two-tour Vietnam vet who had numerous times threatened to kill me. He regularly terrorized me with physical, verbal and psychological abuse.
Where were no women's shelters back in those days. You were essentially on your own.
Everyone has a breaking point - Id finally reached mine one night. I was 21 years old.
Lying in bed after that last assault, I shivered uncontrollably, head to toe, in mortal fear (have you ever been that afraid?), waiting for the next attack(?) - afraid to breathe, afraid to move.
For hours in total darkness, I silently cried and seethed ... him sleeping mere inches from me. (Yes, I could taste primal revenge in my mouth and I wont lie, the freedom and peace it promised was sweet. I absolutely understand how some abuse victims finally break and kill their abusers. Too many DV victims who leave are still stalked and killed by their abusers.)
I went over and over and over it in my head, debating, weighing my options, my chances, my future (if any). I imagined what prison might be like and was I willing to pay the price? In the end I chose to spare his life and move out the next day - he wasnt worth prison.
Would I have been remorseful had I killed him? NO.
I can say that with a very clear conscience. Some vile people on this earth should not be alive, period, to rain misery, terror and destruction on innocent, defenseless women, children, animals - but I decided that dark night that someone else would have to take him out. I decided to save myself - and I couldnt do that if I committed murder ... he would have won by destroying the rest of my life.
I cannot tell you the excruciating mental battle I fought against my visceral instincts for justice ... revenge. He never knew how razor close he came that night to never waking up. The plan was made ... all I had to do was do it. How I ever kept from doing what I so desperately wanted to do is still a mystery these many years later. Perhaps some kind angel was whispering in my ear, guiding the way out.
Its very important for us to tell and share our stories.
We are not alone.
Who knows, perhaps by telling your story, youll become someones desperately needed angel.
