It's hard to comprehend. From her confessional post-it note, she was saying things like "all taking over my life, overwhelming fear, panic, how will things ever be the same - they can't" "I'm a horrible evil person and I pay for that every day". In her 2017 post-it she was begging for help. So before she was arrested she was definitely very, very anxious.
In the two years between 2016 and her first arrest, wondering if she would ever get caught, followed by two years of bail, three years of prison, and 9 months of this trial, it's understandable that she's no longer acutely anxious. But I don't think an innocent person could ever truly come to terms with it, and I think they would treat the trial with grave seriousness at all times.
I would be begging everyone to believe me and understand me, and begging the police and parents that if these babies were murdered, I didn't do it and the murderer is still out there.
Another thing is the disrespect that LL has shown to some of the parents in court: she asked for Baby E & F's mum to speak up in court, claiming she couldn't hear, and has repeatedly said on the stand that she searched for her online because "they had a good relationship". This is so inappropriate, if I was falsely accused of murdering someone's baby then stalking the mum on Facebook, I would say "I thought a lot of the mum and wanted to see how she was". Not implying they had a special bond. It's like she's goading Baby E & F's mum knowing that she can't answer back.
Ben Myers in the opening speech said the woman you see today is not the same person as 6 years ago, you won't see what she's really like. Almost like he knew she was going to come across badly.
I keep thinking of Anti Social Personality Disorder - the modern term for sociopathy - and how they only feel anxiety if something is an immediate cause for concern. They don't give two shites about other people or what they think or feel, and think they're above everyone else. Having this condition could explain a lot of her behaviour on the stand. JMO and having ASPD doesn't mean someone is guilty.