This may get a little lengthy. First and foremost, I would like to extend my sincere gratitude to stryker and lava for their valuable contribution and irreplaceable insight. I wish we had a stryker and lava in every case.
I have followed Cheryl's case from the very beginning. However, I have not posted much, except for the occasional link here and there, because I have been (and still am) so on the fence as to what might have happened: I just cannot discount the possibility of suicide.
I just would like to share a
personal perspective. I very much believe that everyone is different, and the last thing I wish to do is to even remotely suggest that I know what was going through Cheryl's mind on the morning of Feb. 8th. It is also important to point out that based on MSM reports, as well as personal accounts, Cheryl was a happy, healthy woman with no history of mental illness, while I have suffered from depression on and off for almost 30 years now with multiple hospitalizations for that reason, and that I am not a clinician.
I just want to say that I can completely see
myself doing all of the things Cheryl did that morning (i.e., taking the food out of the freezer for dinner, leaving home to go to work, rather than staying home, texting to her carpool partner that she would only be gone for 10 minutes and that she may ride back with him/her at the end of the day -but also telling him/er,
"Just go without me"-, etc.) and then ending my life an hour or two later.
I have been on medication and have had regular therapy (once every week or every other week, depending on symptoms) continuously for the last 17 years, and over the years, I have learned to recognize that maybe it's time to ask for extra help if I find myself either:
1. absolutely obsessing over how I can "off myself" while minimizing its potential effect on my children (one is a teen, and the other a "tween") as much as possible. My teenage daughter also suffers from a mood disorder (her psychiatrist suspects bi-polar), so if I am to go through with it, it would be of utmost importance that it does not look like a suicide, so as to not set a poor example for my daughter. Naturally, I would not leave a note because I would not want them to know the truth.
2. feeling -what I describe as- an overwhelming urge to end my life. This is very difficult to explain, and does not happen often, but I have noticed its frequency and intensity increasing with the onset of perimenopause (I am in my early 40's, and a female
). I may be driving home after work, and suddenly, I am overcome by an urge to go off the road, or stop by at the Walgreen's at the next exit, get a couple of packs of Benedryl and a bottle of vodka, and go sit by the nearest creek (once I start to feel sleepy, I may fall in, which would ensure death; also, there would be no mess in the car for others to clean up). There would be no note, because all I am focusing on is to end it all, so to speak, as fast as possible.
Usually, for me, there is something -however minute and insignificant it may seem- that triggers this type of mindset. It can be something as small as someone cutting me off while driving, or texting someone and not being able to think of a word I know I should be able to remember.
Medical research suggests that perimenopause affects one's cognitive capabilities, and, while it may all be in my head, I am definitely feeling its effects.
My sincere apologies if anyone finds this offensive. Again, I am not suggesting that this is what Cheryl was going through. I do not wish this upon my worst enemy. Depression really sucks, and I hate how badly it affects not only the patient suffering from it but his/er loved ones.