CO- Dylan Redwine, 13, Vallecito, 19 November 2012 - #13

[Abby Normal Again]

This is one of the toughest things child advocates have to deal with in family court. There is a gender bias where fathers who are involved at any level are automatically considered better than average, while mothers are held to a much higher standard. It's actually pretty common in a family with a history of DV for the violent parent to keep wanting to drag out litigation and go back to court over and over again. It has to do with the power and control dynamic involved in family violence and the abuser's sense of entitlement - his belief that his victim(s) do not have the right to just move on with their lives.

I've got links a-plenty of research on the topic if anyone is interested. Here's one good one: http://leadershipcouncil.org/docs/ABA_custody_myths.pdf

I don't know what happened in this situation - but you're totally right.
The assumption that a parent who is very active in court must be doing it because they love their kids is what keeps a lot of kids trapped in abusive situations.

There are other biases as well, biases that keep men like Solomon Metalwala away from his children. It is often assumed that men are not as deserving as parental rights, or that they simply don't need to see their kids as much as mothers do. Though I'll be the first to admit that bias gets better every year.

 

[cfreyja23]

I bolded MR's statements only. Help me understand how anything stated above is really significant in the scheme of finding out what happened to his son? I'm just not seeing it ... but I'm tired, so maybe I should just come back tomorrow with fresh eyes. Help....

Well, for starters, if you think statement analysis is a valid practice, a person might notice he said that his problem was his ex-wife, and not his missing son. If he's completely innocent, it might be understandable that he's frustrated to think that the police are focusing on him. However, it's pretty clear LE is looking at other possibilities, like an abduction while Dylan was headed to his friend's house.

 

[jjenny]

http://www.koat.com/news/new-mexico...7714292/-/11uwpygz/-/index.html?absolute=true

Are they seriously thinking Dylan has been sitting under some bush all this time?
Otherwise I am not sure why they are worrying if he can survive in this cold weather without a coat.

 

[cfreyja23]

This is one of the toughest things child advocates have to deal with in family court. There is a gender bias where fathers who are involved at any level are automatically considered better than average, while mothers are held to a much higher standard. It's actually pretty common in a family with a history of DV for the violent parent to keep wanting to drag out litigation and go back to court over and over again. It has to do with the power and control dynamic involved in family violence and the abuser's sense of entitlement - his belief that his victim(s) do not have the right to just move on with their lives.

I've got links a-plenty of research on the topic if anyone is interested. Here's one good one: http://leadershipcouncil.org/docs/ABA_custody_myths.pdf

I don't know what happened in this situation - but you're totally right.
The assumption that a parent who is very active in court must be doing it because they love their kids is what keeps a lot of kids trapped in abusive situations.

Your post is spot on! I see the same thing in my practice a lot.

 

[katydid23]

Question:

If MR didn't pass the lie detector, would LE have told ER? I'm thinking no, because if he's under investigation they probably don't want him knowing that they are onto him, and telling her would introduce a risk that word would eventually get to MR.

No, LE probably would not have told her anything about his results. But she said that LE was trying to get him to take another Polygraph. And I think it is very possible that when one of his sons, or one of their mutual friends was with him, he got the call about retaking the test. So he may have said something to Cory or Mark Jr or the family friend Hesse about their request. ER might have heard about LE asking him to retake the test, and so she assumed that he did not pass it.

 

[Confusion]

Are they seriously thinking Dylan has been sitting under some bush all this time?
Otherwise I am not sure why they are worrying if he can survive in this cold weather without a coat.

As much as I hate the typical, "Who in their right mind does that?" questions, I finally have one. Who sends their child to Colorado at this time of year without a coat? I hope he at least had some long pants with him.

 

[GateKeeper]

Are they seriously thinking Dylan has been sitting under some bush all this time?
Otherwise I am not sure why they are worrying if he can survive in this cold weather without a coat.

I know..right? I watched this THREE times. And I was like WTH???

 

[cluciano63]

KOAT is local for me and that is embarrassing...it has been 3 weeks. Dylan is not on a survival course, of that I feel certain, if nothing else.

 

[PaulR]

As much as I hate the typical, "Who in their right mind does that?" questions, I finally have one. Who sends their child to Colorado at this time of year without a coat? I hope he at least had some long pants with him.

I was thinking maybe it was unseasonably warm, but here were the high/low temperatures for the week of November 18 in Durango:
http://www.accuweather.com/en/us/durango-co/81301/month/332198?monyr=11/18/2012
18th: 54/29
19th: 54/22
20th: 57/19
21st: 58/19
22nd: 57/19
23rd: 55/19
24th: 57/17

The high was warmer than usual (it's usually in the mid-40s this time of year.)

That being said I've known some people who wear shorts when it is freezing outside.

 

[Confusion]

This is one of the toughest things child advocates have to deal with in family court. There is a gender bias where fathers who are involved at any level are automatically considered better than average, while mothers are held to a much higher standard. It's actually pretty common in a family with a history of DV for the violent parent to keep wanting to drag out litigation and go back to court over and over again. It has to do with the power and control dynamic involved in family violence and the abuser's sense of entitlement - his belief that his victim(s) do not have the right to just move on with their lives.

I've got links a-plenty of research on the topic if anyone is interested. Here's one good one: http://leadershipcouncil.org/docs/ABA_custody_myths.pdf

I don't know what happened in this situation - but you're totally right.
The assumption that a parent who is very active in court must be doing it because they love their kids is what keeps a lot of kids trapped in abusive situations.

Are you saying that because he went to court to get visitation with his son after his ex-wife moved away and went to court to take away his time with him shows that he's controlling and refusing to let her move on? I think he has every right to see his child, even if spectators and his ex don't want him to. MOO

 

[jjenny]

I was thinking maybe it was unseasonably warm, but here were the high/low temperatures for the week of November 18 in Durango:
http://www.accuweather.com/en/us/durango-co/81301/month/332198?monyr=11/18/2012
18th: 54/29
19th: 54/22
20th: 57/19
21st: 58/19
22nd: 57/19
23rd: 55/19
24th: 57/17

The high was warmer than usual (it's usually in the mid-40s this time of year.)

That being said I've known some people who wear shorts when it is freezing outside.

Dylan got to be one of those people, since he arrived wearing shirt and shorts. And it was colder on the 18th than the rest of the week.

 

[absentia]

that is EXTREMELY curious. I remember thinking when I first read that that the friend just had an optimistic attitude and didn't really know what was going on but was just guessing. I guess I kind of ignored it thinking he was not in the know.
But now I wonder. There could have been some trouble that caused DR to disappear, or to cause DR to head out on his own and in the process he disappeared. Did he say/do something on Sunday night, get in trouble for it, let his friend know abt it, and then it escalated later on and caused DR to disappear?
I don't remember the friend's name tho. If you want to PM it to me, TIA.

I have posted this before, and I'm pretty sure it falls under stuff we can't post, but I'm taking a chance anyway because it is a comment that keeps repeating in the back of my mind. One of Dylan's FB friends posted on 11/23. He didn't post on Dylan's wall, but he posted speaking TO Dylan on the friend's OWN wall. He says (paraphrasing) that he wants Dylan to know that he is not in trouble, and that his friends talked to his (Dylan's) dad and that he just wants him to call home, or call one of his friends (and names a few.)

Was he in trouble? Did something happen that Dylan perceived he was in trouble? Does this mean that he won't be in trouble because of his disappearance? Just trying to figure out what prompted his friend to say this, in particular, as his only address to his missing friend, Dylan.

Of course, I can't link or post the minor's FB page or name, but it is not private.

 

[Irish_Eyes]

There are other biases as well, biases that keep men like Solomon Metalwala away from his children. It is often assumed that men are not as deserving as parental rights, or that they simply don't need to see their kids as much as mothers do. Though I'll be the first to admit that bias gets better every year.

Don't misread me, I'm not anti-father. I have a great dad. My husband is a great dad. I know the vast majority of dads are good guys who play a huge positive role in the lives of their children.

I am pro-child. This means that I think that a child should have all the rights in the world to a relationship with non-abusive parents - be they male or female. However, I also believe that when abuse is occuring in a family situation the primary focus should be on the safety of the child, which is very different from many state laws and practices currently in place.

You listed things that might be a perception in society, but I was talking about a bias in the courts. Mothers more often recieve custody than fathers. But the great, great majority of cases settle out of court - between the parents, without a trial. So to include those figures in the total in terms of how the court responds isn't really appropriate. In contested cases, fathers actually do much better.

The problem is really the same on both sides: the court has little oversight or good training. Statistically, abusive fathers file for custody more often than non-abusive ones, and they're just as likely to get custody. If judges had better training about what DV is and how it can show up in family dynamics, and the actual rates of false allegations (quite low for both genders), fewer abusive fathers/mothers would recieve custody and more protective fathers/mothers would recieve custody. That should be what we all want.

 

[Confusion]

I was thinking maybe it was unseasonably warm, but here were the high/low temperatures for the week of November 18 in Durango:
http://www.accuweather.com/en/us/durango-co/81301/month/332198?monyr=11/18/2012
18th: 54/29
19th: 54/22
20th: 57/19
21st: 58/19
22nd: 57/19
23rd: 55/19
24th: 57/17

The high was warmer than usual (it's usually in the mid-40s this time of year.)

That being said I've known some people who wear shorts when it is freezing outside.

BBM

Maybe I was a bit over-protective when my boys were younger, but I think the bolded temps require more than shorts and a hoodie if a child is going to be outside. I don't always dress for the weather myself, but I always insisted the boys did.

 

[absentia]

As much as I hate the typical, "Who in their right mind does that?" questions, I finally have one. Who sends their child to Colorado at this time of year without a coat? I hope he at least had some long pants with him.

especially in the mtns. maybe he did have one in his backpack. not a very big one, in that case, I'd think.
WHY would he have taken ALL his things to go see his friends?
Did he plan to stay with them and not return to the dad's?
Did he run away? LE says NO.
Did someone come to the house with a rouse and convince DR to come with them and bring all his stuff?
Did something befall DR and someone needed to cover it up by removing all his things?

 

[jjenny]

especially in the mtns. maybe he did have one in his backpack. not a very big one, in that case, I'd think.
...

MR claims Dylan didn't have a coat.

 

[Irish_Eyes]

And Solomon Metalwala is a GREAT example. We didn't know much about their case, other than that it was high conflict. However, the minute I read his brief, I KNEW he wasn't the problem in that relationship. Abusers use their briefs to degrade their victims. They get a high off of filing a public document that is meant to hurt and humiliate. They will almost always exaggerate wildly.

Solomon's brief was the opposite. He definitely stated specific examples of why he had concerns about his children in the care of their mother. But at other times in the brief, he complimented her. It almost read like it pained him to have to say these things about her publicly. I think someone trained in DV would have a red flag about her claims after reading that brief, and at least want to look into them further to see if they held up to scrutiny.

 

[aust amateur slueth]

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1212/03/ng.01.html



Worth reading since this is also where she says that (a) he hadn't taken the polygraph yet; (b) that she wasn't sure if he had taken it; (c) that he failed (possibly to the producers); (d) that it was inconclusive.

well worth re reading, the whole section relating to MRs polygraph



GRACE: What do you know about the father`s polygraph?

REDWINE: You know, I don`t know much. I know that, you know, everyone is encouraging him to take that. So hopefully, he will do that soon so we can get him out of the picture, and you know, focus on where Dylan is.

GRACE: Has the father taken a polygraph?

REDWINE: You know, I`m not sure. I know he`s been asked to.

GRACE: Do you know if he took it?

REDWINE: I do not at this time, no.

GRACE: Is it your understanding that he`s failed a polygraph?

REDWINE: No, I don`t think he failed a polygraph. You know, I don`t know the specifics behind that. I don`t think he necessarily failed. But you know, I don`t have any information on that. So it`s real -- it`s real tough for me to answer that question.

GRACE: Elaine, when you were speaking earlier to our producers, you mentioned it was your understanding that he had failed a polygraph.

REDWINE: No, I didn`t say he had failed the polygraph.

GRACE: OK. Good. I`m glad you can clarify that. So what is your understanding, then?

REDWINE: I think it was inconclusive.

GRACE: Is he being asked to take another?

REDWINE: I believe so, yes, he is.

 

[Confusion]

especially in the mtns. maybe he did have one in his backpack. not a very big one, in that case, I'd think.
WHY would he have taken ALL his things to go see his friends?
Did he plan to stay with them and not return to the dad's?
Did he run away? LE says NO.
Did someone come to the house with a rouse and convince DR to come with them and bring all his stuff?
Did something befall DR and someone needed to cover it up by removing all his things?

In that video from that last link, MR said he had asked him if he brought a coat with him, and he had said no. MR was worried because a hoodie won't keep him warm enough.

 

[sorrell skye]

Are they seriously thinking Dylan has been sitting under some bush all this time?
Otherwise I am not sure why they are worrying if he can survive in this cold weather without a coat.

I totally agree.

I find the idea that Dylan has been hunkered down (somewhere in the woods for the past 3 weeks) to be preposterous.

He's 13 years old - a kid - for crying out loud! No 13 year old kid is going to hide out in the woods for 3 weeks.

IF - and that's a big IF - Dylan is alive, he's most likely NOT playing Survivor in the woods.